The Power of Questions

WEBVTT

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And just don't be bullshit. Back to the three

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core values. I think one of mine is don't be

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bullshit. Don't be bullshit is one of your core

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values? Yeah, that's a good core value. Yeah.

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I could find a more noble way of putting it,

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but don't be bullshit. No, I think that's a great

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way to put it. That's my motto. Just don't be

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bullshit. Bullshit is defined as anything that

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I define as bullshit. Okay. What I like about

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it is that it's like mass and circular, so there's

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no loose ends. Welcome to Making Yourself Clear.

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I'm Chris. I'm Patrick. And today we're going

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to talk about how to be a great conversationalist,

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even if you are a total introvert and don't feel

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like you have anything to say. Yeah. How can

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you carry any conversation? What is the one technique

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that will work? And this will work universally

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for pretty much anybody. Agreed. So we'll give

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the game away with a question. What was the last

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time a question really stopped you in your tracks?

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A question that really made you pause and think

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and brought something out of you, like a thoughtful

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answer, or maybe it stimulated a deeper emotion

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or it led to an insight. I was working with a

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client on a coaching call and he actually asked

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me a brilliant question and said, what are your

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three core values? And I just sort of stop and

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assess because it's something that I have considered

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and it's something I've thought about, but it's

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not something anybody has ever actually asked

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me. As part of a conversation. So it was a good

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question. Yeah, that is a good question. Yeah.

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How about yourself? I've been asked, what's the

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question you don't want me to ask you? Oh, that's

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a good one. Very provocative. Yeah. It taps right

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into like, what's the thing you're afraid I'm

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going to ask right now? Yeah. It's brilliant

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because it's almost certainly a trailhead to

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somewhere interesting and probably useful. Yeah,

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yeah, yeah. Which is probably what I need to

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look more closely at. So we're talking about

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the power of questions as the secret to unlocking

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great conversations. Yeah. Even if you're having

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a conversation that's just kind of boring and

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maybe you don't want to be part of it anymore.

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I mean, in that case, just walk away. But if

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you're stuck there for one reason or another,

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start asking some questions, get curious, and

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you might like where the conversation winds up.

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Yeah. Some people just have the gift of the gab

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and are natural. extroverts and are gregarious

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and can be the life of the party in any setting,

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but others are more introverted and perhaps shy.

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And I think most of us fall somewhere in between.

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And conversations can default to the rote sort

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of, hey, how's it going? And then you talk about

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sports or the weather or superficial stuff that

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no one cares about. We did an episode on going

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deeper in conversation that touches on similar

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thematic material here. But if you want a conversation

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to be more interesting or if you want to be...

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experienced by someone as a good conversationalist,

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one of the great ways to do that is just ask

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them good questions and give them space to answer.

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Think about it this way, right? Most people's

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favorite topic is themselves. It's the thing

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that they know the most about. Someone's got

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a vested interest because they're talking about

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what they like, whatever that is. And then you

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can kind of steer that in a lot of different

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directions. Yeah. The other thing that I'll put

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out there is if you've ever been in a conversation

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where someone doesn't ask any questions, It can

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feel really tedious where someone's not asking

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you about yourself, where someone's not asking

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you what you're interested in, where you're just,

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you're kind of being talked at rather than spoken

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to rather than being engaged. Very one way doesn't

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feel reciprocal. What's off -putting about that

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is it demonstrates a sort of self -absorption

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almost. It's like they only care about themselves

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or their lives or the things that they're interested

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in and without any curiosity about the things

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that you care about. Yeah. Flipping that on its

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head, if someone is genuinely curious and listening

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to you and is asking follow -up questions and

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is just curious about whatever it is that you're

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interested in, it gives you an opportunity to

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share things that have some significance to you.

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And it feels good to have an audience, especially

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somebody who's really leading in and asking not

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just obvious questions, but more thoughtful questions.

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And we talked about the five levels of listening.

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You know, as you listen more deeply, you can

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ask deeper and deeper questions and you can actually

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really shape the depth of the relationship itself

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through listening. But one of the ways we reflect

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that we're listening is in the quality of the

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questions we ask. Absolutely. As we're asking

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better questions and as we're building that trust,

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the conversation gets deeper, the relationship

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eventually deepens as well. So we're going to

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talk about the role of questions and why they

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might matter more than... maybe you think that

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they do. What has a question really take a conversation

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in a deeper or more interesting and more intimate

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direction? And what might have it fall flat or

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even engender the opposite response, like a defensiveness

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or a resistance? And what are some examples of

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some styles of questions that you can ask if

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you're feeling stuck? We'll give you a little

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bit of a toolkit that you can use to move conversations

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in interesting directions, even if you're not

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the most outgoing person in the world. You can

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make any conversation interesting and you don't

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have to go into it having any what it is you

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want to say. You don't have to say much at all.

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You can just bring your ears and your curiosity

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and learn to ask good questions. And then invariably

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what happens when you get into a conversation

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is somebody will share something and that'll

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remind you of something else and then the conversation

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can flow. Yeah, it ebbs and flows. Yeah, there'll

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be trailheads that you might want to go down,

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things that you're like, ah, I'm not interested

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in that. But you'll find what piques your interest

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about what the person is saying and then you

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can just keep exploring. You can just keep going.

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If you're asking good questions, it won't be

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one of those conversations where it's just like,

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oh, this is such a slog. I don't want to talk

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to this person. Right. Again, if you find yourself

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in that kind of a situation, there's nothing

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stopping you from just walking away and shutting

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it down. Just thought of something as you were

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talking. We don't want to over promise on this

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necessarily. And why I thought of that is my

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girlfriend is a psychotherapist and I've had

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this experience in coaching as well, but we'll

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talk sometimes we'll talk shop. Sure. Obviously

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without naming names or details, but. There's

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this experience that can happen where as a coach

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or therapist, you've got a client who shows up

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and is really shut down or closed off. And you'll

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ask some questions and get these really just

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one or two word dead end kind of answers. Yeah.

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And all of a sudden, a 45 or 50 minute call can

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start to feel like a week. It's like you're trying

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to pull the person into the conversation. And

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that's its own thing. That's just a sign more

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that they're struggling to open up. But in a

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social setting, hopefully you don't find yourself

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in too many of those situations. And if you do,

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you can. you can find an exit. It's a little

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different when you're literally being paid to

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listen. I mean, there is a bit of a difference

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there, but there are some tools and techniques

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around that too. I mean, like if someone's trying

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to avoid having a conversation, that in itself

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might beg the question, like, I sense that you're

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uncomfortable here. Yeah. I want to talk about

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that. Or the one that you mentioned earlier,

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right? What are you afraid that I'm going to

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ask you? What are you afraid that I'm going to

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ask you? What are you avoiding right now? Right.

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What are you afraid might happen if you opened

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up a little or even just what's present for you

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right now? You know, I sense a certain drop in

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your energy. What's present? So the questions

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we ask signal what we care about in the conversation

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and with the person that we're speaking with

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and how deep we're willing to go with that person

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as well. So it'll also tell them pretty quickly

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how much someone's actually paying attention

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and how interested they actually are in being

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there. For sure. If you're sharing an experience

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and somebody asks you a question that gets you

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more in touch with the nuances of that experience,

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that just feels good. It's like, oh, you really

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get this. Like you're really listening. That's

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a thoughtful question. It's not just the obvious

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thing. Right. Now, questions like anything else,

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there's always an underlying intention driving

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it, right? So some questions are supportive and

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open and build psychological safety by inviting

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more openness and transparency. Yeah. The other

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extreme end of the spectrum, you've got the lawyer

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cross -examining a witness on the stand. Oh,

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yeah. Which is a leading question, and you know

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they're just setting you up for the, aha, the

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gotcha moment. Right. And if someone's doing

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that to you, you're going to feel less safe because

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you can just sense that there's an agenda there.

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This feels like a trap. This feels like you're

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setting me up for something that I'm not going

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to like. Yeah. What's all the questions, pal?

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That'll shut me down. Yeah, absolutely. So having

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flashbacks to being a teenager and it's like,

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where were you last night? And I'm wondering,

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do they already know? And they're now trying

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to see if I'm honest or do they not know? Like

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what's, I don't know what's going on, but I don't

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like it. I'm scared. Yeah, for sure. There can,

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there can be that element to it as well. They're

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clearly not just. a request for specific information.

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Like there's a whole lot that goes on under the

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hood with any conversation, but behind questions

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in particular. Yeah. The tone, the timing, the

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intention is just as important as the words that

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you're choosing. And learning to ask better questions

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is, it's not about being clever. It's not about

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being the smartest person in the room. It's not

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about being the most interesting person in the

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room. It's just about. connection and care for

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a person a good question can transform a conversation

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in an interesting way so let's dive into what

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makes a good question and what doesn't make a

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good question great question does more than just

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gather facts about a person it's going to expand

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the way that you're thinking it's going to deepen

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that connection that you have what makes a good

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question what are some qualities that you would

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say make a good question well in coaching we

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talk about asking open -ended questions rather

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than just yes or no questions or a question that

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has like a short finite list of possible answers

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right and then you get you get that answer and

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there's no to go from there would you like chocolate

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or vanilla chocolate great that's the end of

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the conversation the conversation yeah yeah as

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opposed to something a little more expansive

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like share a memory when you had ice cream and

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it was like a really special thing or whatever

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and then that is wide open. I have no idea where

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the answer is going to go. They can go in lots

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of different directions. Yeah. Good questions

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are clear. They're simple. They're easy to understand

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and they're easy to respond to. Not in the yes

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or no sense, but just, I know what it is you're

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asking me, right? Right. You want to be sensitive

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with tone and context, timing, especially if

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someone knew that you don't know, you want to

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be careful maybe with some of your questions.

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You never know what people are dealing with.

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So that's something to consider. Right. And There's

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a certain openness, right? Where you're pointing

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in a particular direction, but it's kind of a

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vast open direction. Like what's most important

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to you in this situation? Or what would progress

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look like here? As opposed to like a more leading

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question, which would be, are you sure you want

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to do that? Right. Which is not really a question.

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It's me signaling that I have doubts about your

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choice. Yeah. Or wouldn't it be better if, which

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is what I'd call a quidgestion. It's like a suggestion

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smuggled in pretending to be a question. Okay.

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Quaggestion. Quaggestion, right? It's like it

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grammatically is a question, but clearly the

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meaning is I'm giving you advice, but with a

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question mark in. Smuggled in as a question.

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Advice smuggled in as a question, which is a

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form of bullshit. And just don't be bullshit.

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Back to the three core values. I think one of

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mine is don't be bullshit. Don't be bullshit

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is one of your core values? Yeah, that's a good

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core value. Yeah. I could find a more noble way

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of putting it, but don't be bullshit. No, I think

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that's a great way to put it. That's my motto.

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Just don't be bullshit. Bullshit is defined as

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anything that I define as bullshit. Okay. What

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I like about it is that it's like mass and circular,

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so there's no loose ends. So you talked about

00:11:17.820 --> 00:11:19.639
leading questions. There are also loaded questions.

00:11:19.899 --> 00:11:22.519
Loaded, yeah. Lots of loaded questions. Yeah,

00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:25.039
yeah. Why do you think you screwed that up? Right.

00:11:25.139 --> 00:11:27.220
Or there's the famous one of back to the lawyer

00:11:27.220 --> 00:11:30.139
cross -examining somebody, and the question was,

00:11:30.259 --> 00:11:32.899
so sir, when exactly was it that you stopped

00:11:32.899 --> 00:11:36.909
hitting your wife? Right. I didn't. Oh, so you're

00:11:36.909 --> 00:11:38.470
still hitting her. Well, no, I never hit her,

00:11:38.490 --> 00:11:40.389
but right. Yeah. Just answer the question. Just

00:11:40.389 --> 00:11:43.889
the date. Right. Uh, so you can kind of back

00:11:43.889 --> 00:11:46.809
someone into a corner with a loaded question.

00:11:46.909 --> 00:11:49.970
That's, it's not an open question at all. It's

00:11:49.970 --> 00:11:52.549
a question with an agenda. Yeah. And I think

00:11:52.549 --> 00:11:54.730
maybe that's a key distinction. If your question

00:11:54.730 --> 00:11:56.909
has an agenda behind it, you probably had the

00:11:56.909 --> 00:11:58.450
experience of somebody asking you a question,

00:11:58.529 --> 00:12:00.509
but you can tell there's a question behind the

00:12:00.509 --> 00:12:03.149
question. Where it's like, just ask me the thing

00:12:03.149 --> 00:12:05.070
you just really want to know. Yeah. I really

00:12:05.070 --> 00:12:07.389
hate that when someone is dancing around a question.

00:12:07.429 --> 00:12:09.649
Yeah. There's something they really want to ask,

00:12:09.669 --> 00:12:11.269
but that's not what they're asking. They're asking

00:12:11.269 --> 00:12:14.049
something slightly different. But based on what

00:12:14.049 --> 00:12:17.710
I say next, they're going to extrapolate an answer

00:12:17.710 --> 00:12:19.570
to the question that's lurking in the background.

00:12:19.649 --> 00:12:21.570
Right. I don't know what you're going to do with

00:12:21.570 --> 00:12:23.110
what I'm about to tell you if I were to just

00:12:23.110 --> 00:12:25.309
answer the first question, but I don't like it

00:12:25.309 --> 00:12:27.250
and I don't trust it. Additional layers of bullshit.

00:12:27.370 --> 00:12:28.669
Don't be bullshit. Don't be bullshit. Back to

00:12:28.669 --> 00:12:30.620
that. So far, we're talking about this in a social

00:12:30.620 --> 00:12:35.440
context, but in my prior career in the tech startup

00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:38.139
kind of world, I was a product guy among other

00:12:38.139 --> 00:12:40.019
things, but people would often come to me with

00:12:40.019 --> 00:12:42.139
questions. Someone on the sales team, hey, can

00:12:42.139 --> 00:12:44.639
the system do this? And they'd ask a really specific

00:12:44.639 --> 00:12:47.960
technical feature related question. And I almost

00:12:47.960 --> 00:12:50.240
never answered the first question they asked

00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:52.019
me because I knew that they were relaying this

00:12:52.019 --> 00:12:54.240
from a customer, but it's relayed through a sales

00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:56.600
guy who's not necessarily the most technical.

00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:01.379
I could just answer the question as asked, but

00:13:01.379 --> 00:13:02.659
then I don't know what he's going to do with

00:13:02.659 --> 00:13:06.539
that weapon I just handed him. So I would follow

00:13:06.539 --> 00:13:08.399
it with a question and say, well, let's zoom

00:13:08.399 --> 00:13:10.440
out a bit. Tell me what your customer's trying

00:13:10.440 --> 00:13:13.059
to accomplish. Give me the backstory. And then

00:13:13.059 --> 00:13:15.120
nine times out of 10, when they gave me that,

00:13:15.240 --> 00:13:17.019
I realized that they had asked me the wrong question.

00:13:17.059 --> 00:13:19.440
Right. Because what they really wanted was something

00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:21.340
slightly different, but they asked the question

00:13:21.340 --> 00:13:23.740
that kind of had what they thought the solution

00:13:23.740 --> 00:13:28.320
was pre -baked into it. So. That was one of the

00:13:28.320 --> 00:13:30.620
things I learned was don't answer the question

00:13:30.620 --> 00:13:33.860
just automatically. Really understand what they're

00:13:33.860 --> 00:13:36.879
after. Extract from them a better quality question.

00:13:37.059 --> 00:13:39.600
Right. I was doing an interview for a job once

00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:42.980
and the hiring manager sent me just like a little

00:13:42.980 --> 00:13:44.960
data packet about like, here's the company and

00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:46.779
here are the things you need to know. And this

00:13:46.779 --> 00:13:48.120
is the person who's going to interview you. This

00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:51.600
is the time. And then at the end, it said, don't

00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:54.659
forget to ask at the end of your interview, is

00:13:54.659 --> 00:13:57.190
there any reason right now? that you feel like

00:13:57.190 --> 00:13:59.090
I might not be a good candidate for this job,

00:13:59.149 --> 00:14:01.750
which I thought was an excellent question. And

00:14:01.750 --> 00:14:04.389
I asked it. And then the person who is doing

00:14:04.389 --> 00:14:06.769
the interview said, why is everybody asking us

00:14:06.769 --> 00:14:09.149
that? So this is now out there in the ether.

00:14:09.250 --> 00:14:11.850
Yeah. I thought it was a great question. I thought

00:14:11.850 --> 00:14:14.190
it was too. And I've used it since in other interviews

00:14:14.190 --> 00:14:16.690
and people have been like, wow, what an excellent

00:14:16.690 --> 00:14:19.389
question. So it has worked and it's landed. But

00:14:19.389 --> 00:14:21.559
in that particular interview. This particular

00:14:21.559 --> 00:14:24.559
interviewer, he heard the same pickup line too

00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:27.779
many times that night. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.899
Why is everyone asking me that? And I told them,

00:14:29.899 --> 00:14:32.039
I was like, well, the hiring manager literally

00:14:32.039 --> 00:14:34.559
told me to ask that question. They're like, we

00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:36.179
got to tell them to take that out of the email.

00:14:36.220 --> 00:14:39.039
Walk that back. I'm tired of it. I was in a job

00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:42.039
interview once, and this was my fourth year of

00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:44.779
undergrad. And I was doing lots of interviews

00:14:44.779 --> 00:14:47.360
through the career center. Yeah. Like dozens

00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.460
of interviews. And at some point I got. burnt

00:14:50.460 --> 00:14:52.759
out on the process and was really sick of it.

00:14:52.980 --> 00:14:55.940
And so there was this one and, you know, it wasn't

00:14:55.940 --> 00:14:57.860
going particularly well and I wasn't super excited

00:14:57.860 --> 00:15:01.200
about the job anyway. And, and then the interviewer

00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:03.419
hits me with, to me, it was like a standard kind

00:15:03.419 --> 00:15:06.279
of eye rolly interview question. And she said,

00:15:06.379 --> 00:15:08.460
what are three adjectives that describe you best?

00:15:08.539 --> 00:15:10.419
Right. And I looked at her deadpan and said,

00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:14.080
tall, dark, and handsome. And for those of you

00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:16.679
that know me, I'm not tall. So she looked at

00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:19.169
me, she didn't laugh. And I was like, okay. short

00:15:19.169 --> 00:15:22.470
dark and handsome still crickets i was like dark

00:15:22.470 --> 00:15:26.870
you got to give me dark so i didn't get that

00:15:26.870 --> 00:15:29.269
job i had one of those two they asked me if you

00:15:29.269 --> 00:15:30.929
were an animal what animal would you be and it

00:15:30.929 --> 00:15:34.210
was just like ah come on let's come on yeah what

00:15:34.210 --> 00:15:36.710
are you gonna do with that yeah it's dumb i would

00:15:36.710 --> 00:15:38.830
find that pretty irritating that's that would

00:15:38.830 --> 00:15:40.090
that would hit your bullshit meter that would

00:15:40.090 --> 00:15:44.769
that would be bullshit that as as per my definition

00:15:44.769 --> 00:15:47.490
yeah my airtight Definition, that'd be bullshit.

00:15:47.610 --> 00:15:49.330
We got to do an episode on don't be bullshit.

00:15:49.490 --> 00:15:51.830
Don't be bullshit. I could talk about it for

00:15:51.830 --> 00:15:58.429
hours. You could bullshit on it. Touche. So we

00:15:58.429 --> 00:16:00.629
want to make sure that we're asking good questions,

00:16:00.769 --> 00:16:03.169
that we're not asking questions that are just,

00:16:03.230 --> 00:16:05.169
you know, not moving anything anywhere because

00:16:05.169 --> 00:16:07.610
people can tell, right? Too complex can also

00:16:07.610 --> 00:16:10.840
be an issue if we're asking. too many questions

00:16:10.840 --> 00:16:13.779
in one question so one question at a time yeah

00:16:13.779 --> 00:16:15.940
yeah something they also like in coach training

00:16:15.940 --> 00:16:18.480
school they talk about don't stack your questions

00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:21.320
distill it down to one thing at a time rather

00:16:21.320 --> 00:16:24.059
than asking this and this and this in one sentence

00:16:24.059 --> 00:16:25.879
because it's overwhelming and the person doesn't

00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:28.000
know where to go great questions come from just

00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:29.960
being present in the moment in the conversation

00:16:29.960 --> 00:16:33.639
and if you're actually listening then interesting

00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:35.600
questions will come in and the conversation will

00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:37.590
flow naturally That's a good point. If you're

00:16:37.590 --> 00:16:39.590
really curious, just follow your own interest

00:16:39.590 --> 00:16:42.710
and curiosity. And if you just bring curiosity

00:16:42.710 --> 00:16:45.789
to someone else and get them sharing something

00:16:45.789 --> 00:16:47.350
that they're passionate about, even if you're

00:16:47.350 --> 00:16:51.090
not, we can take energy from other people's enthusiasm.

00:16:51.450 --> 00:16:53.309
Absolutely. There have been lots of conversations

00:16:53.309 --> 00:16:55.649
I've had with people just socially at gatherings

00:16:55.649 --> 00:16:57.110
and that sort of thing where I've asked, what

00:16:57.110 --> 00:16:59.230
are you passionate about? And then you see somebody

00:16:59.230 --> 00:17:01.610
light up. And that just makes an interesting

00:17:01.610 --> 00:17:04.289
conversation. Like I might not be interested

00:17:04.289 --> 00:17:06.210
in the specific thing that you're talking about,

00:17:06.269 --> 00:17:08.269
but the fact that you're so passionate about

00:17:08.269 --> 00:17:10.730
it, like I had a conversation one time with a

00:17:10.730 --> 00:17:13.789
fella about watches. I'm not into watches, but

00:17:13.789 --> 00:17:15.549
he was really into watches and he was talking

00:17:15.549 --> 00:17:18.069
about like, oh yeah, well this face, you know,

00:17:18.130 --> 00:17:21.089
it's the company. It was actually riveting. Sure.

00:17:21.269 --> 00:17:23.730
To have a man sit down and show me his watch.

00:17:23.809 --> 00:17:25.930
And it was like a 30, 45 minute conversation.

00:17:26.289 --> 00:17:28.329
About watches. About watches. And he was German,

00:17:28.349 --> 00:17:30.190
so it was all broken English, but he still kept

00:17:30.190 --> 00:17:32.430
my attention. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. When

00:17:32.430 --> 00:17:34.349
someone's really interested in something, you

00:17:34.349 --> 00:17:37.369
can become interested in the fact that they're

00:17:37.369 --> 00:17:41.029
interested. Yeah. What about this is so attractive

00:17:41.029 --> 00:17:44.329
to you? Yeah. Ask questions about their interest,

00:17:44.509 --> 00:17:47.230
even if the thing itself is not. riveting to

00:17:47.230 --> 00:17:49.509
you my girlfriend's mom is really into quilting

00:17:49.509 --> 00:17:53.009
and i mean like really into quilting okay and

00:17:53.009 --> 00:17:56.390
turns out there's a whole community of quilters

00:17:56.390 --> 00:17:58.730
and she's part of this online guild and they

00:17:58.730 --> 00:18:01.130
make hundreds of quilts every year that they

00:18:01.130 --> 00:18:05.410
donate to women's shelters and wow it's as you'd

00:18:05.410 --> 00:18:07.309
expect mostly women but there are some men involved

00:18:07.309 --> 00:18:09.390
and like there's the backstory of like who are

00:18:09.390 --> 00:18:10.829
these guys that are into quilting and how do

00:18:10.829 --> 00:18:12.829
they come into it and right and then all the

00:18:12.829 --> 00:18:16.049
equipment and fancy sewing machines and the attention

00:18:16.049 --> 00:18:18.950
to detail and the patience it takes to cut all

00:18:18.950 --> 00:18:21.069
these tiny little shapes and then sewing patterns.

00:18:21.289 --> 00:18:24.589
And like, if someone's passionate about it, there's

00:18:24.589 --> 00:18:26.170
something about it that's interesting. Sure.

00:18:26.730 --> 00:18:29.289
And you just lean into it and see what it is

00:18:29.289 --> 00:18:31.369
about this that lights them up. Yeah. If you

00:18:31.369 --> 00:18:33.509
can get someone to just be passionate about the

00:18:33.509 --> 00:18:35.910
conversation that you're having by just asking

00:18:35.910 --> 00:18:39.230
a question, it opens up just like a whole world

00:18:39.230 --> 00:18:41.109
and you get to know someone better. You get to

00:18:41.109 --> 00:18:43.740
deepen that connection. Yeah, that's really where

00:18:43.740 --> 00:18:45.839
those great bonds are formed. Totally. Yeah.

00:18:45.920 --> 00:18:48.720
So a few other practical tips. What we're driving

00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:52.539
at here is that the questions are just a way

00:18:52.539 --> 00:18:54.799
of expressing interest and curiosity. And that's

00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:56.960
what creates the bond is you're just taking interest

00:18:56.960 --> 00:18:59.440
in another person and becoming curious about

00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:01.559
their experience. You can't help but learn something.

00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:04.019
When I've been in conversation with someone and

00:19:04.019 --> 00:19:05.920
they've been asking me about things that I'm

00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:08.859
passionate about and interested in, I don't remember

00:19:08.859 --> 00:19:12.059
the details so much as just the feeling of, Wow.

00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:14.500
What a great conversation. Like what an interesting

00:19:14.500 --> 00:19:16.599
person, what a nice person, what a cool person,

00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:18.819
whatever. And it has, it has nothing to do with

00:19:18.819 --> 00:19:21.039
the specific questions they ask. It's just the,

00:19:21.059 --> 00:19:23.519
the feeling of like, well, I really got to open

00:19:23.519 --> 00:19:25.559
up and be myself with that person. There's a

00:19:25.559 --> 00:19:28.119
famous quote from someone, I forget who, but

00:19:28.119 --> 00:19:31.380
the quote is something like, people will forget

00:19:31.380 --> 00:19:33.140
what you said, but they'll always remember how

00:19:33.140 --> 00:19:35.920
you made them feel. And this is in that ballpark.

00:19:36.019 --> 00:19:38.470
Yeah. Yeah. That's the feeling of it. If you

00:19:38.470 --> 00:19:40.650
don't know what to ask that's like in the details

00:19:40.650 --> 00:19:42.710
of someone else's area of expertise, because

00:19:42.710 --> 00:19:44.589
you probably don't know much about it, or even

00:19:44.589 --> 00:19:46.890
if the details are kind of boring you, because

00:19:46.890 --> 00:19:48.630
that happens too. Someone might be sharing about

00:19:48.630 --> 00:19:50.690
something that they're interested in, but they're

00:19:50.690 --> 00:19:53.109
talking at the level of detail and now you're

00:19:53.109 --> 00:19:55.789
not interested. Right. One way to redirect is

00:19:55.789 --> 00:19:59.490
to ask a question about the experience itself.

00:19:59.930 --> 00:20:04.089
So what about that is so compelling or interesting

00:20:04.089 --> 00:20:07.309
to you? How did that make you feel? And now you're

00:20:07.309 --> 00:20:09.750
taking it out of the details and into something

00:20:09.750 --> 00:20:11.849
that's more universal and human that we can all

00:20:11.849 --> 00:20:14.490
relate to. Share about the feeling or that must

00:20:14.490 --> 00:20:16.690
have been scary or frustrating or exciting or

00:20:16.690 --> 00:20:18.990
when did you first become curious about this?

00:20:19.710 --> 00:20:22.849
Tap into the feeling or the experiential dimension

00:20:22.849 --> 00:20:25.049
to it because at the end of the day, that's what

00:20:25.049 --> 00:20:29.009
drives us towards or away from everything. It's

00:20:29.009 --> 00:20:31.390
all in pursuit of one experience or avoidance

00:20:31.390 --> 00:20:34.180
of another. And those are things we can all relate

00:20:34.180 --> 00:20:37.180
to, even though we access them through different

00:20:37.180 --> 00:20:42.440
pursuits. So let's look at unpacking how to ask

00:20:42.440 --> 00:20:44.420
better questions. Like what are some practical

00:20:44.420 --> 00:20:48.160
tips that we can use to just create a better

00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:50.920
question? Simple ways to upgrade questions. Instead

00:20:50.920 --> 00:20:54.819
of asking why, asking what or how, right? Like

00:20:54.819 --> 00:20:57.059
you said, how did that make you feel? So that's

00:20:57.059 --> 00:21:00.539
a good one. Why has kind of a baked in... like

00:21:00.539 --> 00:21:03.039
justify yourself, defend yourself. When someone

00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:05.900
asks why, not every time, but a lot of the time

00:21:05.900 --> 00:21:08.359
it can trigger, am I in trouble? Right. This

00:21:08.359 --> 00:21:10.279
is a thing I can either get right or wrong or

00:21:10.279 --> 00:21:13.140
can trigger a certain defensiveness. Why do you

00:21:13.140 --> 00:21:16.140
like watches so much? Oh, well, fuck you. Yeah,

00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:19.539
exactly. Who the hell are you? Instead of saying,

00:21:19.619 --> 00:21:21.680
why, why'd you do that? Or why'd you do it that

00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:23.960
way? It's, what was your thinking? Walk me through

00:21:23.960 --> 00:21:26.390
your thought process here. It's just gentler

00:21:26.390 --> 00:21:29.089
and more respectful and safer. It's like, walk

00:21:29.089 --> 00:21:31.289
me through your thought process, which is a thing

00:21:31.289 --> 00:21:33.450
that I can have some respect for as opposed to,

00:21:33.450 --> 00:21:35.869
why'd you do that? Which is sort of like, you

00:21:35.869 --> 00:21:40.009
dumbass. So I, last summer, did some work in

00:21:40.009 --> 00:21:42.670
the backyard and one of the things was building

00:21:42.670 --> 00:21:44.970
a shed or commissioning the construction of a

00:21:44.970 --> 00:21:48.430
shed. And I had ordered this shed from a guy

00:21:48.430 --> 00:21:50.470
months earlier and we had booked the date on

00:21:50.470 --> 00:21:54.500
the calendar and it was all set up. One of the

00:21:54.500 --> 00:21:56.660
selling features was the shed is built by, he

00:21:56.660 --> 00:21:59.579
called them ex -Amish. Okay. So like people who

00:21:59.579 --> 00:22:01.680
grew up in the Amish community, but were obviously

00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:03.880
no longer Amish because they could drive a truck

00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:06.180
into the city and build a shed for a city slicker

00:22:06.180 --> 00:22:08.940
like me. Right. Long story short, guy shows up

00:22:08.940 --> 00:22:13.220
the morning of the shed build and he's driven

00:22:13.220 --> 00:22:17.200
from Owen Sound, which is like three, four hours

00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:19.299
from here, depending on traffic. Yeah. All the

00:22:19.299 --> 00:22:22.059
materials comes in to Toronto for the one purpose

00:22:22.059 --> 00:22:24.369
of building the shed. Struggles to find parking

00:22:24.369 --> 00:22:27.849
for 20 minutes. Tried calling me. I was on another

00:22:27.849 --> 00:22:30.609
call, so I had to wait till that wrapped up.

00:22:30.670 --> 00:22:33.230
But it was like max 20 minutes. I call him back.

00:22:33.230 --> 00:22:34.690
I get him on the phone. He's already on the highway

00:22:34.690 --> 00:22:37.470
on the way home. He's gone. And he was not coming

00:22:37.470 --> 00:22:40.210
back. Right. He was upset that he couldn't find

00:22:40.210 --> 00:22:41.630
parking. And then I didn't answer his call. And

00:22:41.630 --> 00:22:43.970
this is Toronto. It's a big city. Yeah. 20 minutes

00:22:43.970 --> 00:22:48.420
to find parking for a 22 -foot truck. downtown

00:22:48.420 --> 00:22:51.000
is not unheard of. And like, we could have sorted

00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:52.619
this out, but no, he turned around and drove

00:22:52.619 --> 00:22:55.000
home. So he spent eight hours on the road driving

00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:59.119
to not build a shed. So when it became clear

00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:01.359
to me that he wasn't coming back, I called the

00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:03.059
guy who had sold me this shed and I got someone

00:23:03.059 --> 00:23:04.779
from his office on the phone and she was like,

00:23:04.859 --> 00:23:06.920
let me call the guy and ask him why he left.

00:23:07.039 --> 00:23:09.500
And I said, please don't do that. Yeah. Yeah.

00:23:09.539 --> 00:23:12.660
Yeah. Because if you ask him why he did a thing,

00:23:12.740 --> 00:23:15.299
he's going to give you a justification for why

00:23:15.299 --> 00:23:17.200
he did it. And he's got a perfectly good reason.

00:23:17.610 --> 00:23:19.589
That's exactly it. If you ask why you'll get

00:23:19.589 --> 00:23:22.369
reasons. Yes. So unless what you want is reasons,

00:23:22.430 --> 00:23:25.049
don't ask why. Yeah. I corrected her and said,

00:23:25.109 --> 00:23:27.549
I really don't want you to ask that question

00:23:27.549 --> 00:23:29.490
because he's going to give you reasons and then

00:23:29.490 --> 00:23:30.690
you're going to relay them back to me and I'm

00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:32.269
going to be more upset. Right. And that's not

00:23:32.269 --> 00:23:34.630
an outcome I'm interested in. A better question

00:23:34.630 --> 00:23:38.589
would be how and when can I have a shed? I don't

00:23:38.589 --> 00:23:41.769
want reasons. What I want is a shed. Right. So

00:23:41.769 --> 00:23:44.440
let's. have a question that gets me closer to

00:23:44.440 --> 00:23:46.480
that outcome as opposed to closer to being really

00:23:46.480 --> 00:23:51.099
upset that this guy left. So that's a long -winded

00:23:51.099 --> 00:23:54.740
anecdote. The point of which I think is consider

00:23:54.740 --> 00:23:58.480
what you are inviting with the question you ask.

00:23:58.559 --> 00:24:01.700
And is that the thing you want? Yeah. When you

00:24:01.700 --> 00:24:04.480
ask why, everyone is justified in what they're

00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:06.539
doing. They're all going to give you what seemed

00:24:06.539 --> 00:24:08.339
to them like perfectly good reasons. Now they

00:24:08.339 --> 00:24:12.200
might be insane to you, but Everybody is the

00:24:12.200 --> 00:24:14.579
good guy all the time in their own story. And

00:24:14.579 --> 00:24:18.279
if you already disagree and you ask them why,

00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:21.220
you're going to get their version of it that

00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:23.119
paints them as the hero, you as the villain,

00:24:23.240 --> 00:24:25.599
and it's likely going to piss you off even more.

00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:27.519
Yeah, I think that's a great tip there for navigating

00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:29.640
conflict, right? Because sometimes in the heat

00:24:29.640 --> 00:24:33.099
of an actual conflict, a lot of questions are

00:24:33.099 --> 00:24:35.140
going to come up, right? So asking the right

00:24:35.140 --> 00:24:38.079
ones can help us get to resolution and asking

00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:40.160
the wrong ones are going to... Because if she

00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:41.579
had called him and asked him why, that would

00:24:41.579 --> 00:24:43.880
have further pissed him off too. What are you

00:24:43.880 --> 00:24:46.240
calling me for? Why'd you leave? Yeah, why'd

00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:48.200
you leave? Like, why do you think I left? I can

00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:50.519
only imagine if it were me in that situation

00:24:50.519 --> 00:24:52.720
and I felt like I had done something perfectly

00:24:52.720 --> 00:24:54.819
reasonable and tried to call. Well, I tried to

00:24:54.819 --> 00:24:56.220
call. The guy didn't pick up. Yeah, you're going

00:24:56.220 --> 00:24:59.099
to get an angry diatribe from a guy who's clearly

00:24:59.099 --> 00:25:00.380
pissed because he just drove three and a half

00:25:00.380 --> 00:25:01.920
hours and is now driving three and a half more

00:25:01.920 --> 00:25:06.119
to go home. And he, in his worldview, that was

00:25:06.119 --> 00:25:08.619
100 % a reasonable thing to do. Totally reasonable,

00:25:08.819 --> 00:25:11.549
yeah. You ask why and he'll tell you about it.

00:25:11.670 --> 00:25:14.410
Yeah. I did not want her to ask that question

00:25:14.410 --> 00:25:16.230
because I had no interest in the answer. Yeah.

00:25:16.390 --> 00:25:18.750
So not asking why, but asking other questions

00:25:18.750 --> 00:25:22.309
instead. How? How can we make this right? How

00:25:22.309 --> 00:25:23.170
can we get a shed? How can we get closer to what

00:25:23.170 --> 00:25:25.190
we want here? Yeah, exactly. In an argument,

00:25:25.230 --> 00:25:27.650
instead of why'd you do that? Yeah. Hey, where

00:25:27.650 --> 00:25:29.289
to from here? How do we make this better? Yeah.

00:25:29.329 --> 00:25:31.650
But even if it's not in an argument sense, you

00:25:31.650 --> 00:25:33.609
know, what about that watch is interesting to

00:25:33.609 --> 00:25:35.609
you? Instead of why do you like watches so much?

00:25:35.970 --> 00:25:38.619
Right. Reduces defensiveness, invites actual

00:25:38.619 --> 00:25:42.200
reflection and an actual conversation. So that's

00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:44.319
the first thing. Another tool that we can use

00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:47.640
would be just get genuinely curious. And Chris,

00:25:47.740 --> 00:25:49.599
you said this earlier, right? If we're genuinely

00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:51.940
curious about something, and that's not tough

00:25:51.940 --> 00:25:54.420
to do, just find the thing that you're curious

00:25:54.420 --> 00:25:56.460
about about what they said. And it can be as

00:25:56.460 --> 00:25:59.220
simple as say more about that. Tell me more about

00:25:59.220 --> 00:26:01.579
that. Yeah. It's just an invitation for someone

00:26:01.579 --> 00:26:05.000
to speak a bit more. That's it. What else did

00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:07.759
we say? We talked about... keeping it like one

00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:10.000
question at a time. Don't stack them all together

00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.119
because that can be kind of overwhelming. You

00:26:12.119 --> 00:26:14.099
can just ask, hey, what's behind that for you?

00:26:14.180 --> 00:26:15.700
Or what's underneath that? Or what does that

00:26:15.700 --> 00:26:18.880
feel like? Yeah. What was that like? That's a

00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:20.619
good one. What was that like for you? What was

00:26:20.619 --> 00:26:22.220
that like for you? The other thing that you want

00:26:22.220 --> 00:26:23.839
to do is you don't want to, like you said, you

00:26:23.839 --> 00:26:25.200
don't want to ask too many questions at once.

00:26:25.660 --> 00:26:27.960
Leave some space, right? We're going to do an

00:26:27.960 --> 00:26:30.759
episode in the future about the power of pauses

00:26:30.759 --> 00:26:33.339
and the power of silence. If you just leave space

00:26:33.339 --> 00:26:37.089
for people, they get to think. They get to actually

00:26:37.089 --> 00:26:39.250
reflect on the question that you asked and then

00:26:39.250 --> 00:26:42.089
you'll get a thoughtful answer. Yeah. If you

00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:43.670
want a thoughtful answer, give people space to

00:26:43.670 --> 00:26:48.250
think. Stands to reason. Yeah. And we talked

00:26:48.250 --> 00:26:51.130
about this a little bit too, but ask questions

00:26:51.130 --> 00:26:53.410
that let the other person take the conversation

00:26:53.410 --> 00:26:55.289
in the direction that they want it to. Yeah.

00:26:55.309 --> 00:26:57.349
As opposed to a question that's designed to steer

00:26:57.349 --> 00:27:00.430
it in the direction you want it to go. Because

00:27:00.430 --> 00:27:03.329
then, like in the one case, you're following

00:27:03.329 --> 00:27:05.180
someone and the other you're... cornering them

00:27:05.180 --> 00:27:07.759
yeah and they'll feel that and they won't like

00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:09.940
it i can think of instances where i have been

00:27:09.940 --> 00:27:12.119
in conversations where it felt like someone was

00:27:12.119 --> 00:27:13.779
trying to steer me in a particular direction

00:27:13.779 --> 00:27:16.400
and it's manipulative and you can tell it feels

00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:19.519
manipulative yeah last thing here the question

00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:21.359
behind the question what is it that you're really

00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:24.779
asking there's subtext there's motivation and

00:27:24.779 --> 00:27:26.619
everything that we're doing right so before you

00:27:26.619 --> 00:27:29.279
ask what is it that you actually want to know

00:27:29.279 --> 00:27:31.619
are you asking because you're trying to control

00:27:31.619 --> 00:27:33.220
the situation you're trying to corner someone

00:27:33.690 --> 00:27:37.549
like Chris just said? Or are you asking because

00:27:37.549 --> 00:27:40.049
you're genuinely curious? And genuine curiosity

00:27:40.049 --> 00:27:42.549
can just be, I just want to get to know somebody

00:27:42.549 --> 00:27:44.130
better, so I'm going to ask them about things

00:27:44.130 --> 00:27:47.210
that they get excited about. What lights you

00:27:47.210 --> 00:27:49.390
up? I saw this great little webcomic one time,

00:27:49.410 --> 00:27:51.650
and it was two people having a conversation,

00:27:51.890 --> 00:27:54.210
and one says, what do you do? And the other one

00:27:54.210 --> 00:27:56.089
says, oh, well, you know, and then they go on

00:27:56.089 --> 00:27:58.349
to describe their job, and then the person stops

00:27:58.349 --> 00:27:59.990
and says, no, no, I'm not interested in what

00:27:59.990 --> 00:28:02.619
your job is. I want to know what you do. What

00:28:02.619 --> 00:28:04.559
are your hobbies? What are your pastimes? What

00:28:04.559 --> 00:28:06.440
are you passionate about? What do you do? Your

00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:10.460
job is not what you do. Your job is what affords

00:28:10.460 --> 00:28:13.480
you the ability to do what it is you like to

00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:17.200
do. Reminds me of one of my favorite things about

00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:19.920
Burning Man, which some of our listeners will

00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:21.579
be familiar with, others maybe not, but it's

00:28:21.579 --> 00:28:26.039
this annual week -long city that gets built in

00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:28.660
the desert in northern Nevada every year. And

00:28:28.660 --> 00:28:30.940
it's like 80 ,000 people come together and...

00:28:31.319 --> 00:28:34.319
live communally in this desert and they build

00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:36.799
camps and there are there's all kinds of art

00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:39.660
installations and parties and workshops and all

00:28:39.660 --> 00:28:42.299
kinds of things but the culture is what i really

00:28:42.299 --> 00:28:44.880
love and you'll almost never have that conversation

00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:46.960
where it's so what do you do oh i'm a lawyer

00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:48.740
what do you do well i'm a doctor and then you're

00:28:48.740 --> 00:28:50.839
it's so surface level it's very surface level

00:28:50.839 --> 00:28:53.619
and just beneath the surface is this idea of

00:28:53.619 --> 00:28:56.680
where do you stand on the societal status hierarchy

00:28:56.680 --> 00:28:59.619
right and then you're it's like but it's very

00:28:59.619 --> 00:29:01.759
normal we do this Yeah. Almost instinctively.

00:29:01.759 --> 00:29:03.119
What do you do? Tell me about that. You know,

00:29:03.140 --> 00:29:04.819
I'm the senior VP of blah, blah, blah. Okay,

00:29:04.880 --> 00:29:07.420
great. That's not ever where the conversations

00:29:07.420 --> 00:29:09.980
go. You drop all of that and it's more like,

00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:12.440
what are you most passionate about? Or what are

00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:15.799
you most afraid of? Right. Or what do you really

00:29:15.799 --> 00:29:17.920
want to experience this week? These are such

00:29:17.920 --> 00:29:21.839
better questions. I like to ask people, tell

00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:24.539
me what the last adventure you went on. And then

00:29:24.539 --> 00:29:26.859
people kind of go like, oh, I haven't been on

00:29:26.859 --> 00:29:28.630
an adventure. I'll say. Now, listen, adventure

00:29:28.630 --> 00:29:30.470
is a very loose term here. It could mean a lot

00:29:30.470 --> 00:29:32.009
of things. Maybe you read a really good book

00:29:32.009 --> 00:29:34.109
and that took you on an adventure, right? Maybe

00:29:34.109 --> 00:29:36.250
you watched a movie that really took you somewhere.

00:29:36.549 --> 00:29:38.490
Maybe you had a really interesting experience

00:29:38.490 --> 00:29:41.690
navigating Costco on a Sunday afternoon. Yeah,

00:29:41.690 --> 00:29:43.710
yeah, yeah. That could be an adventure. That

00:29:43.710 --> 00:29:45.769
is an adventure. That is a trip. Costco on a

00:29:45.769 --> 00:29:48.789
Sunday afternoon? Yeah. I had an adventure this

00:29:48.789 --> 00:29:50.410
morning. I dropped off a car at the mechanic

00:29:50.410 --> 00:29:52.930
and was going to take the GO train back. And

00:29:52.930 --> 00:29:54.960
I had no idea what the train schedule was. So

00:29:54.960 --> 00:29:57.059
I'm walking. It's like a 20 minute ish walk from

00:29:57.059 --> 00:30:00.519
the mechanic to the go train. Yeah. And the trains

00:30:00.519 --> 00:30:01.980
run every half hour. So worst case, I'll wait

00:30:01.980 --> 00:30:05.940
half an hour. But as I'm approaching the train

00:30:05.940 --> 00:30:08.160
station, I can hear the faint bell of the train

00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:09.660
in the background. Yeah. Like, I don't know if

00:30:09.660 --> 00:30:12.019
that train's going my way or the other way, but

00:30:12.019 --> 00:30:13.839
I pick up the pace a bit and the train pulls

00:30:13.839 --> 00:30:16.539
into the track and I shoot down the stairs under

00:30:16.539 --> 00:30:18.799
the track, tap the card up the other stairs.

00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:21.279
Right. And it was my train. There you go. The

00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:24.109
doors open. I just. hop on the train just before

00:30:24.109 --> 00:30:26.809
the doors closed. And it was like, yes, one of

00:30:26.809 --> 00:30:28.670
those moments where perfect timing. Yeah, yeah,

00:30:28.670 --> 00:30:31.369
yeah. Like a spy movie. Yeah. Or it's like when

00:30:31.369 --> 00:30:33.029
you're pumping gas into the car and you let go

00:30:33.029 --> 00:30:34.509
of the thing and it's right on the dollar mark.

00:30:34.890 --> 00:30:36.849
No change. Not that that matters with credit

00:30:36.849 --> 00:30:38.470
cards anymore, but there's something satisfying

00:30:38.470 --> 00:30:40.769
about it. Round numbers are nice. Yeah. So it

00:30:40.769 --> 00:30:42.390
was one of those moments where I'm like spot

00:30:42.390 --> 00:30:45.410
on exactly. Didn't have to wait at all. Yeah.

00:30:45.609 --> 00:30:47.670
But had I been 30 seconds later, I would be sitting

00:30:47.670 --> 00:30:50.269
there for half an hour. So that was my adventure

00:30:50.269 --> 00:30:52.970
du jour. There you go. Yeah. That's a question

00:30:52.970 --> 00:30:54.470
I really like asking. What's the last adventure

00:30:54.470 --> 00:30:56.529
you went on? Because that opens up some things

00:30:56.529 --> 00:30:58.009
too. And again, you get to see what people are

00:30:58.009 --> 00:30:59.849
passionate about, right? Oh, well, you know,

00:30:59.849 --> 00:31:01.450
I don't know. I don't do anything adventurous.

00:31:01.809 --> 00:31:04.730
Yeah, you do. I'm sure you do. What's the last

00:31:04.730 --> 00:31:07.069
thing that you got excited about? Yeah, that's

00:31:07.069 --> 00:31:08.410
really what I'm asking. What's the last thing

00:31:08.410 --> 00:31:12.230
you got excited about? Yeah. Or scared by? Or

00:31:12.230 --> 00:31:14.589
what was the last thing you learned about yourself?

00:31:15.670 --> 00:31:17.210
When was the last time you surprised yourself?

00:31:17.829 --> 00:31:20.250
Right? There's all kinds of questions that invite

00:31:20.250 --> 00:31:23.980
self -reflection. Yeah. And we're presuming in

00:31:23.980 --> 00:31:25.400
all of this that you're looking to connect with

00:31:25.400 --> 00:31:27.559
people. Obviously, questions can be used for

00:31:27.559 --> 00:31:29.319
all kinds of purposes. If you are a lawyer and

00:31:29.319 --> 00:31:31.839
you're cross -examining a witness, you're going

00:31:31.839 --> 00:31:33.119
to be doing it very differently. You're asking

00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:35.920
closed questions that have yes or no answers

00:31:35.920 --> 00:31:39.140
and you're inching them into a corner so that

00:31:39.140 --> 00:31:40.619
you can go, aha. You're trying to paint a specific

00:31:40.619 --> 00:31:43.839
narrative. Because it's tactical and it's adversarial

00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:48.000
and it's strategic. And everyone knows that,

00:31:48.099 --> 00:31:50.160
but that's a whole different game you play with

00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:54.200
questions. That's one of the things, uh, my brother's

00:31:54.200 --> 00:31:56.380
a lawyer and he was telling me like they taught

00:31:56.380 --> 00:31:59.099
him in law school and tried to drill us into

00:31:59.099 --> 00:32:01.799
them. Like do not cross examine your wife and

00:32:01.799 --> 00:32:05.000
kids or, you know, whoever your partner, your

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:07.079
friends. Yeah. Don't you, cause you're going

00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:09.400
to be so practiced at it and it's fun. Right.

00:32:09.440 --> 00:32:11.440
But don't do this to people in your life cause

00:32:11.440 --> 00:32:14.400
they're going to hate it so much. Uh, so try

00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:18.059
not to cross examine people unless you are actually

00:32:18.059 --> 00:32:21.160
a lawyer and in which case have at it. Yeah,

00:32:21.180 --> 00:32:24.000
but in the specific context of doing it while

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:27.279
being a lawyer. Yes, while lawyering. Yes, especially.

00:32:27.539 --> 00:32:30.759
Yeah, exactly. But don't go home and do it. It

00:32:30.759 --> 00:32:33.559
probably won't get you what you want. Just check

00:32:33.559 --> 00:32:34.980
in with yourself. What is it you want to know

00:32:34.980 --> 00:32:37.180
about this person? Why are you asking? Is it

00:32:37.180 --> 00:32:40.140
curiosity? If you want honesty from a person,

00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:45.019
be open. Ask open -ended questions and just see

00:32:45.019 --> 00:32:47.450
where things go. Good questions are going to

00:32:47.450 --> 00:32:50.109
give you facts about things, yes and no answers.

00:32:50.130 --> 00:32:53.009
Great questions are going to open up space so

00:32:53.009 --> 00:32:54.809
that you can discover who people really are.

00:32:54.930 --> 00:32:56.970
Yeah. And you can ask meta questions, questions

00:32:56.970 --> 00:33:00.190
about questions. Like, is there anything I haven't

00:33:00.190 --> 00:33:02.910
asked you that you wish I had? Right. Yeah. Or

00:33:02.910 --> 00:33:04.490
what's a question I could ask you that would

00:33:04.490 --> 00:33:06.670
really make a difference right now? What's a

00:33:06.670 --> 00:33:08.269
question I could ask you that would really matter?

00:33:08.509 --> 00:33:10.289
And then you've partnered with the other person

00:33:10.289 --> 00:33:13.360
in coming up with useful questions. Right. Going

00:33:13.360 --> 00:33:15.720
meta can be kind of fun. Yeah. I remember years

00:33:15.720 --> 00:33:18.420
ago I was at a bar or something and I tried to

00:33:18.420 --> 00:33:20.799
strike up a conversation with a young lady that

00:33:20.799 --> 00:33:22.720
I found attractive. And it was, she's giving

00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:24.500
me such a hard time. She's like, your shirt's

00:33:24.500 --> 00:33:26.319
too tight. She was like busting my balls on purpose

00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:28.099
to get a rise out of me. Right. It totally worked.

00:33:28.240 --> 00:33:30.279
Yeah. And so it started to get awkward. And I

00:33:30.279 --> 00:33:31.980
think at one point I was like, this is really

00:33:31.980 --> 00:33:36.000
not going very well, is it? That can just sort

00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:37.720
of like. That can kind of turn it around. I'm

00:33:37.720 --> 00:33:39.279
like, you're busting my balls and it's definitely

00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:42.289
working. This feels like it's not going very

00:33:42.289 --> 00:33:45.289
well. What's your take on the situation? That's

00:33:45.289 --> 00:33:47.910
great. I had a good one the other day. It was

00:33:47.910 --> 00:33:51.390
a friend's birthday party, and one of the fellows

00:33:51.390 --> 00:33:53.049
who was there, I know him on an acquaintance

00:33:53.049 --> 00:33:55.410
level, and he just said, like, hey, Pat, if you

00:33:55.410 --> 00:33:57.849
could only eat one food, like, you know, Desert

00:33:57.849 --> 00:33:59.849
Island Discs, you can only listen to three records

00:33:59.849 --> 00:34:01.329
for the rest of your life because you're trapped

00:34:01.329 --> 00:34:03.569
on a desert island. If you could only eat one

00:34:03.569 --> 00:34:05.630
food, what would be the one food that you would

00:34:05.630 --> 00:34:08.889
choose? And so it was an interesting way to just

00:34:08.889 --> 00:34:12.070
kind of, like, inject some levity into the day

00:34:12.070 --> 00:34:15.030
but also like i don't know what what would be

00:34:15.030 --> 00:34:16.630
the one thing that i would eat anyway we settled

00:34:16.630 --> 00:34:19.309
on pizza because pizza's got a lot of different

00:34:19.309 --> 00:34:22.170
varieties there's a lot of subcategories to pizza

00:34:22.170 --> 00:34:24.630
and so smuggling in it's this is your version

00:34:24.630 --> 00:34:27.590
of the uh asking the genie for more wishes right

00:34:27.590 --> 00:34:30.750
yeah yeah it's kind of cheating incidentally

00:34:30.750 --> 00:34:32.969
you just dated both of us by saying the desert

00:34:32.969 --> 00:34:35.190
island record list where you only get three albums

00:34:35.190 --> 00:34:39.110
people don't even know what albums are yeah fair

00:34:39.110 --> 00:34:41.480
it's What do you mean? I get YouTube music. Yeah.

00:34:41.500 --> 00:34:43.739
Spotify. Well, you don't have the internet on

00:34:43.739 --> 00:34:46.079
the desert island. Oh, well then you just download

00:34:46.079 --> 00:34:49.360
50 ,000 songs to your iPod. Fair enough. Okay.

00:34:49.380 --> 00:34:52.280
Solar charger or something. Yeah. I guess I'm

00:34:52.280 --> 00:34:54.780
an old man now. Yeah. So the power of questions,

00:34:54.860 --> 00:34:56.820
what's the bottom line? A lot of it is just bring

00:34:56.820 --> 00:35:00.820
curiosity and lean into the conversation, follow

00:35:00.820 --> 00:35:03.880
the emotion. Yeah. If somebody gets excited about

00:35:03.880 --> 00:35:06.019
something, you can tap into that, follow the

00:35:06.019 --> 00:35:07.900
energy. Oh, yeah. So you got excited about that.

00:35:07.940 --> 00:35:10.460
Say more. Yeah. And that's it. That's the trick.

00:35:10.559 --> 00:35:12.119
If you want to be a great conversationalist,

00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:17.019
get curious and ask better questions. Yeah. And

00:35:17.019 --> 00:35:19.219
listen to the answer. Yeah. And actually care

00:35:19.219 --> 00:35:21.380
what they say. And follow the thread. And ask

00:35:21.380 --> 00:35:22.780
good follow -up questions because that really

00:35:22.780 --> 00:35:24.739
shows that you're listening. Yeah. Yeah. And

00:35:24.739 --> 00:35:26.800
it doesn't, like, this doesn't have to be forced.

00:35:26.880 --> 00:35:29.719
If someone is boring the hell out of you, you

00:35:29.719 --> 00:35:31.599
can ask a question that takes the conversation

00:35:31.599 --> 00:35:33.619
in a more interesting direction. Why are you

00:35:33.619 --> 00:35:40.210
so boring? I think we can end with that. Yeah.

00:35:40.590 --> 00:35:43.570
If you like this, you want more content, like,

00:35:43.690 --> 00:35:46.329
subscribe, do all the things. As always, we hope

00:35:46.329 --> 00:35:47.710
this was useful. Thanks for tuning in.