Real Talk About Self Talk

WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.500
If you really look at them objectively, a lot

00:00:02.500 --> 00:00:05.400
of the stuff you say to yourself is bullshit.

00:00:05.980 --> 00:00:10.800
It's not true. It's not kind. Certainly not helpful.

00:00:10.980 --> 00:00:13.279
Yeah. And you ought to knock it off. And you're

00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:15.759
keeping yourself stuck, yeah. Stop it. Stop it.

00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:18.219
Stop it. And if you do find yourself doing it,

00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:21.219
you're very bad. Bad, wrong, and you should be

00:00:21.219 --> 00:00:22.620
very self -critical and judge yourself. Beat

00:00:22.620 --> 00:00:23.760
yourself up over that. It's terrible. It's a

00:00:23.760 --> 00:00:26.640
terrible habit, and you are an awful, awful human

00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:33.979
being. Welcome to Making Yourself Clear. I'm

00:00:33.979 --> 00:00:36.000
Chris. I'm Patrick. Today we're going to start

00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.780
with a question. Okay, what's the question? Imagine

00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:41.820
if you had someone who constantly pointed out

00:00:41.820 --> 00:00:45.320
your flaws, shamed you, and never let you forget

00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:48.759
any of your past mistakes. What would be an appropriate

00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:51.240
response? How would you handle such a character?

00:00:51.240 --> 00:00:53.979
So they're shaming me, they're telling me all

00:00:53.979 --> 00:00:56.079
of my flaws and mistakes, and they're not letting

00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:58.060
anything go? Not letting anything go, reliving

00:00:58.060 --> 00:01:00.619
past problems, constantly telling you you're

00:01:00.619 --> 00:01:02.479
not good enough. I don't think I would want that

00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:05.340
person in my life. Neither would I. I think objectively

00:01:05.340 --> 00:01:07.540
and rationally, you would invite them out of

00:01:07.540 --> 00:01:10.040
your life. Yeah. If they persisted, you might

00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:12.060
seek a restraining order. I think that's fair.

00:01:12.260 --> 00:01:13.900
Yeah. Yeah. If I had someone who was constantly

00:01:13.900 --> 00:01:15.760
just nagging me and just telling me what a piece

00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:17.920
of garbage I was, I would, yes. Terrible behavior.

00:01:18.180 --> 00:01:20.400
Yeah. Yeah. Not acceptable. Objectively, terrible

00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:24.659
behavior. So the question is, why do we tolerate

00:01:24.659 --> 00:01:28.120
that from ourselves? So today's episode is kind

00:01:28.120 --> 00:01:30.159
of tongue -in -cheekly referred to as a real

00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:32.069
talk about self -talk. We're going to talk about

00:01:32.069 --> 00:01:34.849
our internal dialogue and some internal dialogue

00:01:34.849 --> 00:01:39.409
hygiene. And as per usual, we'll talk about what

00:01:39.409 --> 00:01:42.930
it is, why this matters, why this is hard. Yeah.

00:01:42.989 --> 00:01:46.390
What we can do about it. We'll cover some pitfalls,

00:01:46.409 --> 00:01:48.670
things to watch out for and provide some practical

00:01:48.670 --> 00:01:52.030
tools and frameworks. So the way that we talk

00:01:52.030 --> 00:01:54.909
to ourselves is pretty important in a lot of

00:01:54.909 --> 00:01:57.810
aspects of our life. It shapes our perception

00:01:57.810 --> 00:02:03.260
of who we are. has a big effect on self -confidence

00:02:03.260 --> 00:02:07.040
and can also shape our behavior, not only in

00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:08.699
the way that we speak to ourselves, but that

00:02:08.699 --> 00:02:11.719
can leak out into the way that we speak to other

00:02:11.719 --> 00:02:14.080
people as well. Yeah, it's pretty fundamental.

00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:16.879
Such a formative aspect of our worldview, how

00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:19.680
we talk to ourselves about ourselves, forms our

00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.879
belief systems about who we are and our place

00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:25.099
in the world. And then so much flows from that.

00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:29.069
Like what we see as possible for ourselves. How

00:02:29.069 --> 00:02:31.069
we think of ourselves in relationship to others,

00:02:31.270 --> 00:02:34.129
how we show up, the opportunities we choose to

00:02:34.129 --> 00:02:37.849
pursue or pass on, how assertive we are or how

00:02:37.849 --> 00:02:39.909
passive we are, how passive aggressive in some

00:02:39.909 --> 00:02:43.969
cases. This runs deep and shows up absolutely

00:02:43.969 --> 00:02:47.129
everywhere. So we're definitely not going to

00:02:47.129 --> 00:02:49.189
cover everything that there is to talk about

00:02:49.189 --> 00:02:51.830
on this. Likely not. Topic in one sitting, but

00:02:51.830 --> 00:02:53.550
we're going to touch on it and hopefully provide

00:02:53.550 --> 00:02:56.030
some useful insights and importantly, some practical

00:02:56.030 --> 00:02:58.300
tools. I mean, this happens to me, right? I'll

00:02:58.300 --> 00:03:00.060
do something. Oh, that was so stupid. Why did

00:03:00.060 --> 00:03:02.879
I do that? Yeah. And then all of a sudden there's

00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:05.919
that internal character that you wouldn't tolerate

00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:08.199
if they were external. I would not put up with

00:03:08.199 --> 00:03:10.620
someone coming up to me after a meeting or anything

00:03:10.620 --> 00:03:12.560
for that matter, being like, you're a real idiot.

00:03:12.659 --> 00:03:14.900
You know that? Right. But I tolerate it for myself

00:03:14.900 --> 00:03:18.240
all the time. Totally. Totally. So the voice

00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:20.900
in your head is really not always the friendliest.

00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:22.360
And if you're watching this going, what voice

00:03:22.360 --> 00:03:23.879
in my head? What's he talking about? That voice,

00:03:23.979 --> 00:03:25.819
the one that said that is the one we're talking

00:03:25.819 --> 00:03:27.770
about. So there's a few ways to look at this.

00:03:27.789 --> 00:03:30.509
The roommate in your head is one metaphor. Like

00:03:30.509 --> 00:03:32.210
if you imagine the voice in your head was a roommate

00:03:32.210 --> 00:03:33.969
who just followed you around and spoke like that

00:03:33.969 --> 00:03:35.990
to you, you'd punch the person in the face probably,

00:03:36.069 --> 00:03:38.710
or you'd want to if you're not actually violent.

00:03:38.810 --> 00:03:40.250
Or you start yelling back and then you're just

00:03:40.250 --> 00:03:42.530
in a weird conflict with yourself. We wouldn't

00:03:42.530 --> 00:03:44.310
tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone else,

00:03:44.349 --> 00:03:46.610
but we do tolerate it from ourselves. And not

00:03:46.610 --> 00:03:49.050
only do we tolerate it, we elevate it and view

00:03:49.050 --> 00:03:51.810
it as almost the capital T truth. Not only do

00:03:51.810 --> 00:03:54.050
we tolerate it from ourselves, I liked what you

00:03:54.050 --> 00:03:56.400
said, like, I wouldn't tolerate somebody else

00:03:56.400 --> 00:03:58.500
speaking to me that way. The flip side of that

00:03:58.500 --> 00:04:00.919
is I wouldn't speak to anybody in that way. Right.

00:04:00.939 --> 00:04:03.860
Exactly. Exactly. I wouldn't talk to anyone else

00:04:03.860 --> 00:04:05.979
the way that I speak to myself internally sometimes.

00:04:06.419 --> 00:04:09.060
Precisely. And so we want to give you a couple

00:04:09.060 --> 00:04:11.659
of tools to just break that down and start talking

00:04:11.659 --> 00:04:14.000
to yourself in a nicer way. So there's a few

00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:16.240
ways to think about this in terms of neuroscience.

00:04:16.379 --> 00:04:18.699
There's this network in the brain called the

00:04:18.699 --> 00:04:21.699
default mode network, this complex network of.

00:04:22.279 --> 00:04:24.500
synapses and brain areas i'm not a neuroscientist

00:04:24.500 --> 00:04:26.459
so i can only speak about it at a very broad

00:04:26.459 --> 00:04:28.819
strokes level but the way it works is it's the

00:04:28.819 --> 00:04:31.699
default mode meaning it comes online when we're

00:04:31.699 --> 00:04:33.959
not otherwise fully occupied on something else

00:04:33.959 --> 00:04:37.180
so when you're sitting there just idle that's

00:04:37.180 --> 00:04:39.079
when your inner chatter fires up and it tends

00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:41.439
to be very self -referential yeah thoughts about

00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:44.379
yourself and it tends to be often unhelpful so

00:04:44.379 --> 00:04:46.420
this is where like mind wandering rumination

00:04:46.420 --> 00:04:48.649
and all that stuff comes in Where you start thinking

00:04:48.649 --> 00:04:50.670
about all of the things you did when you were

00:04:50.670 --> 00:04:52.889
an eight -year -old, all of the dumb things you

00:04:52.889 --> 00:04:55.370
did. Yeah, or all the things you screwed up today

00:04:55.370 --> 00:04:57.310
or yesterday or the things you're worried about

00:04:57.310 --> 00:05:00.069
in the future or all of that stuff. Whereas if

00:05:00.069 --> 00:05:02.910
you're fully on a task, like focused on whether

00:05:02.910 --> 00:05:05.550
it's work or a sport or a performance or something.

00:05:05.829 --> 00:05:07.250
You're in the zone. You're in the zone and that

00:05:07.250 --> 00:05:09.149
quiets down. And this is why they talk about

00:05:09.149 --> 00:05:12.230
flow states being so healthy and valuable. Yeah.

00:05:12.269 --> 00:05:14.699
It's a flow state. is like what an athlete refers

00:05:14.699 --> 00:05:16.920
to as being in the zone. And that's when all

00:05:16.920 --> 00:05:18.939
of your attention is dedicated to the task at

00:05:18.939 --> 00:05:21.459
hand and the default mode network quiets down.

00:05:21.620 --> 00:05:23.240
You can also quiet it down through things like

00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:27.240
meditation, psychedelics as well. And there are

00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:30.459
other ways to quiet that down and it's healthy

00:05:30.459 --> 00:05:32.019
to do that from time to time. But anyway, that's

00:05:32.019 --> 00:05:34.579
the default mode network plays a role in this.

00:05:34.819 --> 00:05:38.040
There's also this concept in a branch of therapy

00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:41.120
called internal family systems right which some

00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:43.519
of our listeners may have heard of or it's also

00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.139
referred to as parts work so it's this idea of

00:05:46.139 --> 00:05:48.759
we think of ourselves as this cohesive singular

00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:51.240
self but really really we're a bunch of parts

00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:53.519
and whenever you say oh part of me wants to do

00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:55.139
this but a part of me wants to do that right

00:05:55.139 --> 00:05:58.889
everybody can relate to that so this starts with

00:05:58.889 --> 00:06:00.730
that premise that says we're, we have these multiple

00:06:00.730 --> 00:06:03.009
little sub personalities inside of ourselves.

00:06:03.069 --> 00:06:04.709
And sometimes they're aligned and sometimes they

00:06:04.709 --> 00:06:06.029
want different things. Like think of like the

00:06:06.029 --> 00:06:08.209
angel and devil on your shoulder. Exactly. Yeah,

00:06:08.230 --> 00:06:10.730
exactly that. So you probably have more than

00:06:10.730 --> 00:06:13.029
one inner voice. You've got different parts and

00:06:13.029 --> 00:06:14.910
they speak in different voices at different times.

00:06:14.949 --> 00:06:18.689
And that's also a related framework for thinking

00:06:18.689 --> 00:06:20.730
about this sort of thing. Yeah. The devil on

00:06:20.730 --> 00:06:22.230
your shoulder says taco bell would be really

00:06:22.230 --> 00:06:23.529
good right now. We should get some taco bell.

00:06:23.610 --> 00:06:25.250
And then the angel says, oh yeah, taco bell is

00:06:25.250 --> 00:06:27.709
really good. We should get. Well, that's when

00:06:27.709 --> 00:06:29.529
they're aligned and then you're at the drive

00:06:29.529 --> 00:06:31.750
-thru before you know it. That's right. So why

00:06:31.750 --> 00:06:34.209
does this matter? Why do we care? Listen, we

00:06:34.209 --> 00:06:36.089
spend a lot of time in our own heads. We spend

00:06:36.089 --> 00:06:38.970
a lot of time thinking about all this stuff.

00:06:39.029 --> 00:06:42.750
Internal dialogue is our default way of framing

00:06:42.750 --> 00:06:46.910
things. So if we have poor internal dialogue

00:06:46.910 --> 00:06:51.470
hygiene, then it can create a lot of issues with

00:06:51.470 --> 00:06:53.850
self -doubt. It can create a lot of issues with

00:06:53.850 --> 00:06:56.370
poor perception of yourself, which can in turn

00:06:56.829 --> 00:06:59.230
Create situations where you're just not confident

00:06:59.230 --> 00:07:01.850
and you're second guessing things. Also, not

00:07:01.850 --> 00:07:03.689
just poor perception, but distorted perception.

00:07:04.089 --> 00:07:07.610
Yes. And that's critical to realize that our

00:07:07.610 --> 00:07:11.730
internal voice or voices all have biases. Yeah.

00:07:11.769 --> 00:07:13.689
And a lot of them came online when we were younger.

00:07:13.769 --> 00:07:16.550
Right. And so they see the world through overly

00:07:16.550 --> 00:07:20.310
simplistic or childlike eyes. And as an adult,

00:07:20.410 --> 00:07:22.610
you know intuitively that a child's view of the

00:07:22.610 --> 00:07:25.649
world is distorted. Yeah. By necessity. But.

00:07:26.250 --> 00:07:29.529
If you're not careful, you will let this younger

00:07:29.529 --> 00:07:32.129
voice in your head, you'll elevate it to the

00:07:32.129 --> 00:07:34.750
status of like accurate and true. And you won't

00:07:34.750 --> 00:07:37.529
realize that it's got bias and distortion. We

00:07:37.529 --> 00:07:39.829
tend to think that our sense of self is accurate.

00:07:39.970 --> 00:07:42.029
I work with clients all the time who have trouble

00:07:42.029 --> 00:07:45.550
receiving positive feedback. Yeah. Yeah. Like

00:07:45.550 --> 00:07:46.870
someone will give them a compliment and their

00:07:46.870 --> 00:07:48.389
first thought is, oh yeah, but you don't really

00:07:48.389 --> 00:07:50.529
know me. You'll find a way to invalidate it.

00:07:50.649 --> 00:07:53.199
Yeah. The insults you let in, but you block the

00:07:53.199 --> 00:07:55.500
compliments for some reason, which is a form

00:07:55.500 --> 00:07:57.220
of distortion. Yeah. I'm sure that there are

00:07:57.220 --> 00:07:59.040
lots of people out there who are feeling like,

00:07:59.100 --> 00:08:01.339
oh yeah, I'm guilty of that. Definitely. If someone

00:08:01.339 --> 00:08:03.180
pays me a compliment, I look for any way that

00:08:03.180 --> 00:08:05.220
I can disarm it or what do they want from me?

00:08:05.259 --> 00:08:07.199
Right. What are they trying to get from me? And

00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:09.079
that's not healthy behavior. That's not a healthy

00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:11.300
way to talk to yourself. And it's not accurate.

00:08:11.600 --> 00:08:14.860
Very inaccurate. Yeah. So this shows up all over

00:08:14.860 --> 00:08:17.220
the place in relationships, in a professional

00:08:17.220 --> 00:08:21.410
setting, and it can form. sticky beliefs. You

00:08:21.410 --> 00:08:23.930
might come to see yourself as someone who's not

00:08:23.930 --> 00:08:26.189
good at X or Y. I'm not good at public speaking

00:08:26.189 --> 00:08:28.110
or I'm not good with conflict. And then you'll

00:08:28.110 --> 00:08:30.389
make choices based on that belief. Yeah. And

00:08:30.389 --> 00:08:32.250
you'll avoid certain situations or pass up certain

00:08:32.250 --> 00:08:34.350
opportunities. It's funny. This is so silly,

00:08:34.370 --> 00:08:36.450
but I had a moment in my life two weeks ago where

00:08:36.450 --> 00:08:38.669
I was with a friend and he had drawn something.

00:08:38.730 --> 00:08:40.190
I was like, oh, you're really, you're really

00:08:40.190 --> 00:08:41.950
great artist. And he was like, ah, you know,

00:08:41.990 --> 00:08:43.570
it's not that tough. Just some lines and stuff.

00:08:43.649 --> 00:08:45.629
I said like, oh, well, I can't draw. I've never

00:08:45.629 --> 00:08:47.509
been able to draw. which is something I've believed

00:08:47.509 --> 00:08:49.590
about myself for a very long time. Something

00:08:49.590 --> 00:08:51.470
that was sort of ingrained in me in, you know,

00:08:51.490 --> 00:08:54.909
teachers say things or people who are important

00:08:54.909 --> 00:08:56.470
to you in your life say things and you just kind

00:08:56.470 --> 00:08:58.610
of, you adopt that. And so I said, yeah, I can't

00:08:58.610 --> 00:09:00.389
draw for anything. And then just for fun, when

00:09:00.389 --> 00:09:02.649
no one was around, I took a marker and I got

00:09:02.649 --> 00:09:04.470
up, there was a whiteboard there. So I looked

00:09:04.470 --> 00:09:06.710
up a picture of the Roadrunner. Oh yeah. From

00:09:06.710 --> 00:09:08.169
Looney Tunes. It's like, I'm going to draw a

00:09:08.169 --> 00:09:09.889
Roadrunner right now. And I did. And I was like,

00:09:10.230 --> 00:09:13.549
oh, this doesn't look that bad. Apparently I

00:09:13.549 --> 00:09:15.509
can draw. And I sent a picture to him. He said,

00:09:15.840 --> 00:09:17.360
I thought you said you couldn't draw. So it's

00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:19.820
like, there it is. These things are, you've got

00:09:19.820 --> 00:09:22.139
to be careful with them for sure. Yeah. On the

00:09:22.139 --> 00:09:24.240
positive side, right? We've talked so far about

00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:26.539
all this negative self -talk, which unfortunately.

00:09:27.039 --> 00:09:28.460
That's a lot of people's default way of being.

00:09:28.659 --> 00:09:31.059
We have a negativity bias baked in, which we'll

00:09:31.059 --> 00:09:33.419
talk about a little bit more. But conversely,

00:09:33.419 --> 00:09:36.080
well, you can take it to the other extreme, which

00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:38.840
is somebody who's way too grandiose and narcissistic,

00:09:38.840 --> 00:09:40.820
who has too high an opinion of themselves. We

00:09:40.820 --> 00:09:43.799
need to keep things balanced. But if you've got

00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:47.769
a balanced, gentle. accepting self -talk, you

00:09:47.769 --> 00:09:49.230
can recognize it in a person. They just have

00:09:49.230 --> 00:09:52.429
a calmer presence. They're less neurotic. And

00:09:52.429 --> 00:09:55.690
as you advance in your professional career, you

00:09:55.690 --> 00:09:58.090
may hear things like, oh, you need to cultivate

00:09:58.090 --> 00:10:00.850
executive presence. And I think that has a lot

00:10:00.850 --> 00:10:03.669
to do with just having a quieter mind and being

00:10:03.669 --> 00:10:07.289
comfortable with yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

00:10:07.370 --> 00:10:09.110
and knowing that you're not going to get everything

00:10:09.110 --> 00:10:11.049
right, but that doesn't mean you're doing everything

00:10:11.049 --> 00:10:13.529
wrong. That's right. And it's what meaning do

00:10:13.529 --> 00:10:17.190
you attribute to making a mistake. Yeah. Right.

00:10:17.230 --> 00:10:18.710
Is it, oh, you idiot, or you'll never be good

00:10:18.710 --> 00:10:20.429
at this, or you suck, or is it, oh, I missed

00:10:20.429 --> 00:10:22.090
the mark on that. What can I learn from it? Yeah.

00:10:22.110 --> 00:10:24.289
Right. Where can I iterate and how can I get

00:10:24.289 --> 00:10:25.970
better at this? Yeah. Or I was a little off my

00:10:25.970 --> 00:10:29.149
game the other day. That happens. Sure. Moving

00:10:29.149 --> 00:10:31.110
on. Yeah. Happens to everybody. Yeah, exactly.

00:10:31.330 --> 00:10:33.370
Yeah. You can beat yourself up and ruminate and

00:10:33.370 --> 00:10:35.889
reinforce a negative identity, or you can say,

00:10:35.950 --> 00:10:39.129
oh, that wasn't my best effort. Yeah. Okay. Not

00:10:39.129 --> 00:10:41.850
everybody is on their A game all the time. Right.

00:10:41.909 --> 00:10:43.309
That's all right. What can I do to be better

00:10:43.309 --> 00:10:46.269
prepared next time? So why do we struggle with

00:10:46.269 --> 00:10:48.330
this? Yeah. So part of it is something that you've

00:10:48.330 --> 00:10:50.409
mentioned a bunch of times before in previous

00:10:50.409 --> 00:10:53.129
episodes, right? Evolutionary psychology, we're

00:10:53.129 --> 00:10:55.850
wired to be alert to threats. Our inner voice

00:10:55.850 --> 00:11:00.149
tends to be critical and to be cautious around

00:11:00.149 --> 00:11:03.629
things because we don't want to die. Yeah. Hundreds

00:11:03.629 --> 00:11:06.629
of thousands of years ago on the Savannah, early

00:11:06.629 --> 00:11:09.649
humans who were super paranoid and scanning the

00:11:09.649 --> 00:11:12.769
horizon for threats tended to bolt and run earlier

00:11:12.769 --> 00:11:16.899
and get eaten. less so we bred in a negativity

00:11:16.899 --> 00:11:19.000
bias just because those were the ones who were

00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:21.500
surviving they got to live another day and had

00:11:21.500 --> 00:11:24.419
more babies and yeah the calm sort of zen patient

00:11:24.419 --> 00:11:27.519
ones became tiger meat so we are twitchy humans

00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:32.200
living in a cushy world so there's the the evolution

00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:35.960
piece uh social and cultural conditioning we

00:11:35.960 --> 00:11:38.480
internalize those early voices again parents

00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:41.820
teachers peers how could you be so stupid and

00:11:41.820 --> 00:11:44.580
then You take that on. Oh, I'm a stupid person

00:11:44.580 --> 00:11:47.620
or I do stupid things. Yeah. And sometimes we

00:11:47.620 --> 00:11:49.179
internalize things that were literally said to

00:11:49.179 --> 00:11:52.259
us. Yeah. Other times somebody says something

00:11:52.259 --> 00:11:54.840
or looks at us a certain way and we add meaning

00:11:54.840 --> 00:11:56.840
to it. You know, mom or dad isn't paying attention

00:11:56.840 --> 00:11:58.500
to me. That must mean I'm not good enough. Yeah,

00:11:58.500 --> 00:12:00.220
yeah, yeah. Maybe it just means they had a rough

00:12:00.220 --> 00:12:03.000
day at work and are tired. But as a five -year

00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:04.799
-old or six -year -old, you don't think in those

00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:07.159
terms. You think I must be bad or I must be inadequate.

00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:10.049
So all of those things that we just. take on

00:12:10.049 --> 00:12:11.590
early in life. And it doesn't even have to be

00:12:11.590 --> 00:12:14.110
early in life. Maybe you're at a job right now

00:12:14.110 --> 00:12:18.049
and someone gives you some feedback or some criticism

00:12:18.049 --> 00:12:21.629
that's not as nice as it could be and you internalize

00:12:21.629 --> 00:12:24.210
it. Or again, maybe if you have just a self -critical

00:12:24.210 --> 00:12:26.830
voice in your head already, anything that comes

00:12:26.830 --> 00:12:29.070
your way, you look for an opportunity to just

00:12:29.070 --> 00:12:31.570
be super hypercritical. Well, and that's the

00:12:31.570 --> 00:12:33.830
other thing. When we form a belief, then confirmation

00:12:33.830 --> 00:12:37.519
bias kicks in and we start seeing All the evidence

00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:39.940
that supports that belief and we start subconsciously

00:12:39.940 --> 00:12:42.100
filtering out any counter evidence. Yeah. Belief

00:12:42.100 --> 00:12:43.879
becomes stronger and stronger and we become more

00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:45.960
certain of it, even though it's not that we're

00:12:45.960 --> 00:12:47.919
being presented with a consistent stream of evidence.

00:12:47.960 --> 00:12:50.240
It's that we have a strong bias on and that's

00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:52.340
all we can see. So that voice just chattering

00:12:52.340 --> 00:12:54.899
away, just saying like, oh, here's another. Here

00:12:54.899 --> 00:12:56.220
you go again. Here you go again. There's another

00:12:56.220 --> 00:12:59.340
one. Yeah. So the other piece is that these things

00:12:59.340 --> 00:13:01.360
become habits, right? Like we tend to think of

00:13:01.360 --> 00:13:04.340
habits in terms of behaviors, things we do physically,

00:13:04.480 --> 00:13:08.480
but we have. Habits of mind. Yeah. Habitual thoughts

00:13:08.480 --> 00:13:10.899
that we repeat over and over again. I read somewhere

00:13:10.899 --> 00:13:13.580
some statistic of the tens of thousands of thoughts

00:13:13.580 --> 00:13:16.440
we have every day. Some overwhelming percentage

00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:18.700
of them are the exact same thoughts we had yesterday

00:13:18.700 --> 00:13:21.100
and the day before and the day before. That tracks.

00:13:21.279 --> 00:13:23.799
Yeah, I can see that. Right. And so these are

00:13:23.799 --> 00:13:27.039
well trodden paths. Yeah. And like every habit,

00:13:27.100 --> 00:13:29.419
these are just neural pathways that we've. We've

00:13:29.419 --> 00:13:32.159
just dug real nice grooves that we can just go

00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:35.340
along. Easy to fall into. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

00:13:35.340 --> 00:13:37.480
know this path. I'm familiar. I'm comfortable

00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:39.600
with this path, even if it's not necessarily

00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:42.679
the best for me. That's it. That's it. Over time,

00:13:42.759 --> 00:13:45.539
it can start to feel like an identity, that inner

00:13:45.539 --> 00:13:47.240
voice in your head or that collection of inner

00:13:47.240 --> 00:13:49.779
voices. We can start to identify with them and

00:13:49.779 --> 00:13:52.320
it's just starts to feel like who you are. Yeah.

00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:54.299
I'm not an artist. I'm not an artistic person.

00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:56.440
Right. That was just there. And I said it and

00:13:56.440 --> 00:14:01.700
it took just actually challenging that to break

00:14:01.700 --> 00:14:04.750
out of that. And this is where a lot of things

00:14:04.750 --> 00:14:07.429
like coaching and therapy and other self -reflective

00:14:07.429 --> 00:14:10.549
introspective practices can become super useful.

00:14:10.710 --> 00:14:13.490
And I can, I can speak to this both on the receiving

00:14:13.490 --> 00:14:15.389
end, but also as a, as a coach professionally,

00:14:15.490 --> 00:14:17.929
like a lot of these beliefs we form along the

00:14:17.929 --> 00:14:20.750
way don't stand up under any kind of meaningful,

00:14:20.929 --> 00:14:24.769
any kind of scrutiny, any actual balanced critical

00:14:24.769 --> 00:14:26.730
analysis. And we just don't think to do that.

00:14:26.830 --> 00:14:29.370
So how often do you have the opportunity to sit

00:14:29.370 --> 00:14:30.809
down with someone, unless it's in a coaching

00:14:30.809 --> 00:14:32.649
environment where there's, you know, structure

00:14:32.649 --> 00:14:35.009
and a safe environment to do so. Like we don't

00:14:35.009 --> 00:14:38.470
often sit down with people and say, here are

00:14:38.470 --> 00:14:40.789
the things that I think about myself and get

00:14:40.789 --> 00:14:44.250
the opportunity to challenge what has become

00:14:44.250 --> 00:14:48.830
an identity. Yeah, totally. And speaking in terms

00:14:48.830 --> 00:14:51.129
of parts, right back to the internal family systems

00:14:51.129 --> 00:14:53.330
thing, like these inner parts are often stuck

00:14:53.330 --> 00:14:56.149
in these protective roles from earlier in life.

00:14:56.230 --> 00:15:00.019
And if you do IFS kind of therapy, A lot of what

00:15:00.019 --> 00:15:01.620
that's about is getting in touch with those inner

00:15:01.620 --> 00:15:05.559
parts and getting them unstuck. Right. So when

00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:08.639
it comes to upgrading or dealing with the inner

00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:12.480
voice, how do we get this wrong? Because there

00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:14.600
are different things we might instinctively try

00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:16.960
to do to combat some of that negativity. Yeah.

00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:19.019
Some of the things we do actually are counterproductive.

00:15:19.059 --> 00:15:20.919
So let's talk about what some of those are. So

00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:23.679
one of the things that you'll hear a lot is,

00:15:23.700 --> 00:15:25.539
well, you've just got to think positive, right?

00:15:26.269 --> 00:15:28.129
What does that mean? I've got to think positive.

00:15:28.250 --> 00:15:31.309
I've got to rewire the way that I think. Often

00:15:31.309 --> 00:15:34.450
backfires because you can't silence the inner

00:15:34.450 --> 00:15:36.909
voice. You can't silence the inner critic. It's

00:15:36.909 --> 00:15:38.529
always going to be there. It's always going to

00:15:38.529 --> 00:15:42.330
be nagging. But what you can do is you can train

00:15:42.330 --> 00:15:44.350
it to go down different paths. You can upgrade

00:15:44.350 --> 00:15:46.990
it. Yeah. Now, you said something about just

00:15:46.990 --> 00:15:48.990
think positive. And this is important to touch

00:15:48.990 --> 00:15:51.350
on because there's a lot of memes and things

00:15:51.350 --> 00:15:54.090
that float by about positive affirmations and

00:15:54.090 --> 00:15:56.539
all that sort of thing. One of the pitfalls is

00:15:56.539 --> 00:16:00.179
just trying to plaster over this stuff with a

00:16:00.179 --> 00:16:05.039
forced Pollyanna, like overly saccharine, cheesy

00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:08.299
sort of self -talk. Like, oh, I'm powerful and

00:16:08.299 --> 00:16:09.740
I'm strong. And like, you know, you hear a lot

00:16:09.740 --> 00:16:11.980
of these affirmations that just are so cringey.

00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:14.139
That's not what we're talking about here, because

00:16:14.139 --> 00:16:16.360
notice the reaction you have to some of that

00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:18.960
cringey stuff. You cringe. And so if you start

00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:21.539
trying to put that into your head, likely what

00:16:21.539 --> 00:16:24.509
you're going to internalize is, oh. I suck at

00:16:24.509 --> 00:16:29.129
X. And also, I'm super cringy. Yeah, the standing

00:16:29.129 --> 00:16:31.169
in the mirror. People like me, darn it. Right.

00:16:31.190 --> 00:16:33.990
Oh, who is it? The old Saturday Night Live skit.

00:16:34.009 --> 00:16:35.610
Yeah, exactly. Good enough. I'm smart enough.

00:16:35.769 --> 00:16:39.409
And doggone it, people like me. Yeah, so we're

00:16:39.409 --> 00:16:41.309
not talking about that. That's a pitfall, is

00:16:41.309 --> 00:16:43.169
just trying to plaster over it with stuff that

00:16:43.169 --> 00:16:46.259
doesn't ring true. But the other side of that

00:16:46.259 --> 00:16:48.919
is believing that that inner critic is the truth.

00:16:49.139 --> 00:16:50.659
Right. The inner critic is probably right. The

00:16:50.659 --> 00:16:52.759
real truth about me is I do suck at this or I

00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:55.120
am a bad person or whatever your version of that

00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:58.419
is. Yeah. Yeah. That's a really sticky one. The

00:16:58.419 --> 00:17:00.440
first step is recognizing that that voice is

00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:03.379
fallible and being willing to question it and

00:17:03.379 --> 00:17:06.440
being willing to consider that it may be wrong

00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:09.720
actually. And now you're not plastering over

00:17:09.720 --> 00:17:13.079
it. You're actually. adopting a new belief that

00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:16.740
resonates and is more aligned with reality, more

00:17:16.740 --> 00:17:20.279
grounded in objective evidence. Well, what can

00:17:20.279 --> 00:17:22.420
be helpful here is just if you take that internal

00:17:22.420 --> 00:17:24.920
voice and you make it external. Because if you

00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:28.559
hear yourself saying it, you might be given an

00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:31.160
opportunity then to challenge it. Or if you say

00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:33.539
it out loud to somebody else, they might - Some

00:17:33.539 --> 00:17:35.079
of it's just preposterous on the face of it.

00:17:35.140 --> 00:17:36.700
Absolutely. And then when you hear yourself say

00:17:36.700 --> 00:17:38.519
it, you're like, well, obviously - Obviously

00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:40.759
that's not true. That's not true. Yeah. But if

00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:42.980
you're just sitting with your own thoughts, you

00:17:42.980 --> 00:17:45.079
don't necessarily just, you don't challenge.

00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:47.000
It's like you said, right? A lot of the thoughts

00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:48.380
that I'm having today are the same thoughts that

00:17:48.380 --> 00:17:51.359
I had yesterday. I'm not, I'm probably not challenging

00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.880
them. Or even dwelling on them much or even noticing

00:17:53.880 --> 00:17:55.980
them. You're not even necessarily tuned in because

00:17:55.980 --> 00:17:58.299
it happens in a flash. Yeah. You likely notice

00:17:58.299 --> 00:18:00.900
the feeling quicker than the thought. The thought

00:18:00.900 --> 00:18:03.019
happens, then you feel a certain way, like frustration

00:18:03.019 --> 00:18:06.440
or shame or regret. And the feeling is more evident

00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:08.160
than the thought that gave rise to it. Yeah.

00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.900
But by slowing down and. labeling that thought,

00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:13.200
you can, now you've got something to work with.

00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:14.759
Well, and so that's the other thing that can

00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:16.400
happen, right? When we have the thought and we

00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:18.980
label it, sometimes we can judge ourselves for

00:18:18.980 --> 00:18:22.299
having negative self -talk, which just reinforces

00:18:22.299 --> 00:18:24.559
the whole thing. And now you're just in a loop.

00:18:24.599 --> 00:18:25.980
Now you're judging yourself for judging yourself.

00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:27.599
Judging yourself for judging yourself. This meta

00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:31.380
shame loop. Totally. Yeah. A couple of other

00:18:31.380 --> 00:18:35.619
pitfalls are confusing that toxic rumination

00:18:35.619 --> 00:18:37.779
with something helpful. Right. Or believing.

00:18:38.700 --> 00:18:40.559
I remember when I was first confronted with this

00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:44.240
idea of what if you let go of some of that shame

00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:48.359
and that inner nasty critic. And my fear was,

00:18:48.460 --> 00:18:50.039
well, if I let that go, then I'm going to lose

00:18:50.039 --> 00:18:52.779
my motivation and I'm just going to be lazy or

00:18:52.779 --> 00:18:54.299
something. I'm going to be a couch potato. So

00:18:54.299 --> 00:18:56.460
I need that drive. You need that to push you.

00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:00.880
To push me. I was afraid of evicting the roommate

00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:05.589
because without that abuse. Would I actually

00:19:05.589 --> 00:19:07.890
get anything done? They're the one with the car

00:19:07.890 --> 00:19:12.730
that gets you to work. It's like the stick that

00:19:12.730 --> 00:19:14.470
they beat me with to get me to go to the gym

00:19:14.470 --> 00:19:18.349
or whatever it is. If I don't have that person

00:19:18.349 --> 00:19:20.950
shaming me for how I look in the mirror, am I

00:19:20.950 --> 00:19:22.529
just going to get lazy and stop working out,

00:19:22.569 --> 00:19:27.190
for example? So that can be a tricky one. I can

00:19:27.190 --> 00:19:28.730
tell you from firsthand experience, you don't

00:19:28.730 --> 00:19:32.309
need an asshole in your head. to be motivated

00:19:32.309 --> 00:19:33.990
and to have a good life. In fact, you're better

00:19:33.990 --> 00:19:36.589
off without it. You got one asshole, you don't

00:19:36.589 --> 00:19:41.970
need two. Or a collection of them. So something

00:19:41.970 --> 00:19:45.390
just to reflect on, whose voice does your internal

00:19:45.390 --> 00:19:49.410
dialogue resemble? And is that someone that you

00:19:49.410 --> 00:19:52.869
want as your co -pilot? If you think back, right?

00:19:53.349 --> 00:19:55.430
Is that even your voice? Is it even your voice?

00:19:55.549 --> 00:19:58.549
Or was that someone else's voice that you internalized?

00:19:58.670 --> 00:20:01.730
Yeah. In psychology, they call that an introjection.

00:20:02.329 --> 00:20:04.369
People have probably heard of projection. That's

00:20:04.369 --> 00:20:07.190
when you project something onto someone else

00:20:07.190 --> 00:20:10.329
that's actually your own stuff. Introjection

00:20:10.329 --> 00:20:13.089
is when someone else puts something on you and

00:20:13.089 --> 00:20:16.230
you take it in, even though it is properly theirs.

00:20:16.470 --> 00:20:19.990
Yeah. So. Whose crap have you adopted? And when

00:20:19.990 --> 00:20:21.849
are you going to pack it up and ship it out?

00:20:22.009 --> 00:20:24.509
Yeah. Give them an eviction notice. Yeah. So

00:20:24.509 --> 00:20:28.069
what can be done about this? One of my favorite

00:20:28.069 --> 00:20:33.250
quotes on this topic comes from a figure who's

00:20:33.250 --> 00:20:36.349
become kind of polarizing and controversial in

00:20:36.349 --> 00:20:41.369
recent years, Jordan Peterson. Earlier in his

00:20:41.369 --> 00:20:43.230
kind of public persona career, he stayed more

00:20:43.230 --> 00:20:45.539
in his lane and talked about psychology. being

00:20:45.539 --> 00:20:47.660
a psychologist if only he had continued to do

00:20:47.660 --> 00:20:51.680
that yeah he got into politics and uh anyway

00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:53.359
let's go to we're not going to talk about jordan

00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:56.519
too much but the quote hopefully knowing that

00:20:56.519 --> 00:20:58.619
it's from him doesn't taint it for you uh if

00:20:58.619 --> 00:21:01.599
you're not a fan of his um the quote is speak

00:21:01.599 --> 00:21:05.039
to yourself the way you would treat someone that

00:21:05.039 --> 00:21:08.599
you are responsible for helping and i thought

00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:11.819
that was really insightful because yeah the truth

00:21:11.819 --> 00:21:13.960
is you are someone that you are responsible for

00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:16.599
helping First and foremost, you are in charge

00:21:16.599 --> 00:21:18.339
of helping yourself more than anyone else is.

00:21:18.940 --> 00:21:21.279
And it gives rise to a really interesting thought

00:21:21.279 --> 00:21:24.720
experiment. If you imagine taking someone under

00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:28.339
your wing, you're a mentor or a parent or a coach

00:21:28.339 --> 00:21:31.880
to this younger person, and you're charged with

00:21:31.880 --> 00:21:34.079
taking care of them and helping them advance

00:21:34.079 --> 00:21:38.420
in life and grow. And imagine if they experienced

00:21:38.420 --> 00:21:41.339
some setback or some disappointment that you're

00:21:41.339 --> 00:21:44.039
going through and they brought it to you. Right.

00:21:44.380 --> 00:21:46.940
How would you for help? And now imagine saying

00:21:46.940 --> 00:21:51.019
to them the shit you say to yourself. Right.

00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:53.859
Yeah. It's laughable. It is. It's preposterous.

00:21:53.859 --> 00:21:57.680
You it would be actually abusive. Right. Right.

00:21:57.900 --> 00:22:01.980
And you probably not only would you not say it,

00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:04.019
you likely it wouldn't even occur to you to say

00:22:04.019 --> 00:22:06.000
it. Yeah. And if you saw somebody else saying

00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:07.990
it. You would probably - You'd call child protective

00:22:07.990 --> 00:22:10.230
services or you would intervene and be like -

00:22:10.230 --> 00:22:11.750
Absolutely. Not on my watch. You don't get to

00:22:11.750 --> 00:22:13.210
talk to that person that way. You can't talk

00:22:13.210 --> 00:22:15.710
to the person that way. It would be so egregious

00:22:15.710 --> 00:22:19.410
and preposterous. Yeah. Or specifically, well,

00:22:19.529 --> 00:22:21.930
I liked the quote, right? Speak to yourself like

00:22:21.930 --> 00:22:23.970
someone you're responsible for helping. So if

00:22:23.970 --> 00:22:27.470
I were to walk into a space and it was someone

00:22:27.470 --> 00:22:29.710
that I was responsible for and I saw someone

00:22:29.710 --> 00:22:32.230
speaking to them in the way that I speak to myself

00:22:32.230 --> 00:22:35.220
sometimes, yeah, I would absolutely - I would

00:22:35.220 --> 00:22:36.619
deck them. I would throw them down the stairs.

00:22:37.059 --> 00:22:38.779
You'd step in and say, Hey, this is, this is

00:22:38.779 --> 00:22:41.559
not okay. Yeah. No, I would use actual violence.

00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:46.559
It would just be, it wouldn't be. So that's just

00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:48.960
a way to break the state and say, wait a minute.

00:22:49.019 --> 00:22:52.299
Like if I'm responsible for helping myself. Yeah.

00:22:52.380 --> 00:22:54.519
What gives me the right to talk to myself this

00:22:54.519 --> 00:22:56.140
way? Yeah. And when you look at it through that

00:22:56.140 --> 00:22:58.700
lens too, it's just, I'm not actually helping

00:22:58.700 --> 00:23:01.099
myself. It's not helpful. Totally. It's not helpful

00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:04.240
at all. So that's a good frame and something

00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:07.279
to keep in mind as a reminder. Yeah. It's a good

00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:09.400
quote. Yeah. Regardless of who said it. Regardless

00:23:09.400 --> 00:23:11.720
of who said it. We talked about internal family

00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:15.799
systems and parts and inner voices that have

00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:19.240
positive intentions, even if the way in which

00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:23.079
we get about there is problematic. And so changing

00:23:23.079 --> 00:23:24.740
those parts, can you speak a little bit more

00:23:24.740 --> 00:23:27.819
about that? Totally. So it's one of the tenets

00:23:27.819 --> 00:23:30.920
of internal family systems is that every part,

00:23:31.740 --> 00:23:34.400
Every inner voice has a positive intention, even

00:23:34.400 --> 00:23:37.500
if the way that they enact it is problematic

00:23:37.500 --> 00:23:41.460
or downright dysfunctional. So another thing

00:23:41.460 --> 00:23:43.480
that can happen, your inner critic will say something

00:23:43.480 --> 00:23:45.019
negative and then you want to push back on it.

00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:47.440
You're in a fight with yourself and the more

00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:51.299
you resist, the more it persists. So instead

00:23:51.299 --> 00:23:53.660
of getting into a fight, trying to like trying

00:23:53.660 --> 00:23:55.849
to stuff it down. Right. Like I'm just going

00:23:55.849 --> 00:23:58.150
to silence this and stuff it. That doesn't work

00:23:58.150 --> 00:23:59.609
because that part is still there trying to be

00:23:59.609 --> 00:24:01.750
heard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, speaking personally,

00:24:01.910 --> 00:24:03.829
I have had instances in the past where I have

00:24:03.829 --> 00:24:05.690
had, you know, a negative voice and I've tried

00:24:05.690 --> 00:24:07.769
to just suppress it. Yeah. And then it just comes

00:24:07.769 --> 00:24:09.490
back louder because it still wants to be heard.

00:24:09.750 --> 00:24:13.069
So how can I. It's just screaming from the closet

00:24:13.069 --> 00:24:15.630
where you've locked it in. So. And it gets louder

00:24:15.630 --> 00:24:17.049
eventually. Eventually it's going to kick that

00:24:17.049 --> 00:24:18.849
door down. It's going to get louder and it's

00:24:18.849 --> 00:24:20.789
going to be one of the loudest voices because

00:24:20.789 --> 00:24:22.970
I suppressed it for so long. And I didn't actually

00:24:22.970 --> 00:24:24.670
deal with it. Or it'll wait till your guard is

00:24:24.670 --> 00:24:27.430
down and then come forward in some even louder,

00:24:27.490 --> 00:24:30.849
more destructive behavioral fashion. Absolutely.

00:24:31.069 --> 00:24:34.670
Yeah. So the trick there is don't resist any

00:24:34.670 --> 00:24:37.369
of these inner parts. You want to switch to curiosity

00:24:37.369 --> 00:24:40.609
and say, okay, assuming that this inner voice,

00:24:40.670 --> 00:24:42.750
say it's an inner critic saying, oh, you suck.

00:24:43.130 --> 00:24:46.730
Okay. Let's assume positive intent. Right. What's

00:24:46.730 --> 00:24:49.609
the positive intent? The positive intent is maybe

00:24:49.609 --> 00:24:51.970
this voice has high standards and wants me to

00:24:52.329 --> 00:24:55.089
show up as my best right great i can align with

00:24:55.089 --> 00:24:58.349
that intention i don't love the tone but we can

00:24:58.349 --> 00:25:00.930
negotiate now well and like you can work with

00:25:00.930 --> 00:25:03.650
your parts to be like i i appreciate what you're

00:25:03.650 --> 00:25:06.269
trying to say and you can but can we negotiate

00:25:06.269 --> 00:25:08.190
a better way to say if i'm speaking to myself

00:25:08.190 --> 00:25:10.210
in that way at a certain point it's gonna be

00:25:10.210 --> 00:25:13.569
very demotivating and or you might you get defensive

00:25:13.569 --> 00:25:16.049
like yeah imagine for a second if we take the

00:25:16.049 --> 00:25:18.569
the model of parts and think of a part as another

00:25:18.569 --> 00:25:21.700
person so if you're in a relationship There's

00:25:21.700 --> 00:25:24.160
going to be conflict. Yes. And your partner may

00:25:24.160 --> 00:25:27.700
come at you trying to express a need that hasn't

00:25:27.700 --> 00:25:29.920
been met or even trying to encourage you in a

00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:32.299
certain way. Yeah. But it sounds like criticism

00:25:32.299 --> 00:25:33.920
or blame because sometimes that's how it comes

00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:36.299
out. Yep. And then what do you do? You get defensive

00:25:36.299 --> 00:25:39.000
and you push back. But you can imagine a conversation

00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:40.579
with your partner where you're saying, hey, you

00:25:40.579 --> 00:25:42.099
know what? I appreciate what you're trying to

00:25:42.099 --> 00:25:45.500
do. Yeah. Here's a way you can be more supportive

00:25:45.500 --> 00:25:47.259
to me. Right. That'll make it easier for me to

00:25:47.259 --> 00:25:50.119
receive. Yeah. And then negotiate. a better communication

00:25:50.119 --> 00:25:52.619
pattern. How can we be on the same team? How

00:25:52.619 --> 00:25:55.819
can we be on the same team? Precisely. And just

00:25:55.819 --> 00:25:57.519
like you might negotiate with a relationship

00:25:57.519 --> 00:25:59.660
partner or with a boss on here's how I like to

00:25:59.660 --> 00:26:01.799
receive feedback, here's what works for me. You

00:26:01.799 --> 00:26:04.299
can do the same thing with your own inner parts.

00:26:05.119 --> 00:26:07.960
And there's an exercise that's actually fascinating

00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:10.500
to do. You can sit down and you can do a self

00:26:10.500 --> 00:26:13.339
-dialogue either with a pen and paper or with

00:26:13.339 --> 00:26:15.099
a Word document. I did one of these on a plane.

00:26:15.880 --> 00:26:18.890
And it sounds weird, but it... If you get into

00:26:18.890 --> 00:26:20.450
it, it flows quite naturally. A lot of tools

00:26:20.450 --> 00:26:25.190
for self -work and internal thoughts do feel

00:26:25.190 --> 00:26:27.130
weird at the beginning. And then when you start

00:26:27.130 --> 00:26:28.289
doing them. When you get into it, it's like,

00:26:28.329 --> 00:26:29.970
oh, this is actually something. It does actually

00:26:29.970 --> 00:26:32.529
help. So I was on an airplane once and you invite

00:26:32.529 --> 00:26:35.170
the part into the conversation. What part is

00:26:35.170 --> 00:26:38.210
here to have this conversation? And then what

00:26:38.210 --> 00:26:39.769
do you want to be called? And it may give you

00:26:39.769 --> 00:26:42.089
a name or a title or something. And then you

00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:43.750
just ask questions. What is it that you want

00:26:43.750 --> 00:26:45.410
from me? What's your positive intention? And

00:26:45.410 --> 00:26:47.980
then it'll. And see what comes up, like write

00:26:47.980 --> 00:26:50.059
down the answer. And then you ask another question.

00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:52.279
And there's this thing like an empty chair exercise

00:26:52.279 --> 00:26:53.940
is another similar version of it. You're talking

00:26:53.940 --> 00:26:56.720
to a part of yourself in an empty chair or an

00:26:56.720 --> 00:26:59.799
imagined other person and just like let it flow

00:26:59.799 --> 00:27:02.799
and see what comes out of it with the intention

00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:04.920
of being curious, appreciating what that part

00:27:04.920 --> 00:27:08.019
wants to do for you and negotiating a better

00:27:08.019 --> 00:27:10.180
working agreement that's going to be more useful

00:27:10.180 --> 00:27:11.799
moving forward. So instead of being an inner

00:27:11.799 --> 00:27:15.180
critic, it sort of develops into like a partner

00:27:15.180 --> 00:27:17.980
or a coach? Perfect. Yeah, exactly. Something

00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:20.640
more encouraging rather than punishing. So that's

00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:24.480
kind of a very skimming the surface, internal

00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:27.740
family systems, parts kind of approach. Right.

00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:30.500
More tangibly, there's a framework we can offer

00:27:30.500 --> 00:27:33.420
that's useful. Cheesy acronym, useful framework.

00:27:33.740 --> 00:27:35.359
Acronyms are great for that, right? They are.

00:27:35.480 --> 00:27:37.920
It's just a device to jog your memory so that

00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:40.740
you can... Anyway, so yeah, the framework is

00:27:40.740 --> 00:27:43.880
the CARE framework. So CARE stands for Catch,

00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:49.140
Assess. reframe, embed. So I want to notice first

00:27:49.140 --> 00:27:50.980
of all, that I'm, that I've got that. So that's

00:27:50.980 --> 00:27:52.579
the catch. That's the catch. Catch yourself in

00:27:52.579 --> 00:27:53.940
the act and notice that you're doing it. Yeah.

00:27:54.019 --> 00:27:56.940
So I'm catching myself in the moment saying the

00:27:56.940 --> 00:27:59.319
thing. Oh, you're so stupid. Hang on. Okay. Got

00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:02.240
it. Got it. Got it. Okay. Now the next piece

00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:04.420
is assess, right? So catch, assess, reframe,

00:28:04.420 --> 00:28:08.980
embed, assess. Is this true? Am I so stupid or

00:28:08.980 --> 00:28:11.980
did I just do a stupid thing? And so there's

00:28:11.980 --> 00:28:15.180
a difference, right? Doing something that. is

00:28:15.180 --> 00:28:18.920
thoughtless versus being someone who... So assessing,

00:28:19.019 --> 00:28:21.660
is this true? No, I'm not a stupid person. I

00:28:21.660 --> 00:28:23.160
might have done something that was thoughtless

00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:26.380
in the moment. Absent -minded or... Sure. Happens.

00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:30.539
Is it necessary for me to continually tell myself

00:28:30.539 --> 00:28:33.299
that I'm a stupid person? Right. No, it's not.

00:28:33.460 --> 00:28:35.920
Is it kind? No. Is it something that I would

00:28:35.920 --> 00:28:38.700
tolerate from anybody else? Right. No. Is it

00:28:38.700 --> 00:28:41.440
something that I would say to anybody else? Because

00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:44.799
it's tough. to defend yourself for some people.

00:28:45.160 --> 00:28:48.400
So if you can't yet get to a place where you

00:28:48.400 --> 00:28:49.880
would say, would I tolerate this from someone

00:28:49.880 --> 00:28:51.539
else? Because for some people, the answer might

00:28:51.539 --> 00:28:54.180
be yes. Right. Then just change the question.

00:28:54.359 --> 00:28:57.180
Is this a way that I would treat anybody else?

00:28:57.420 --> 00:28:59.680
Or is this a way that I would let someone speak

00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:03.420
to a child? Yeah. Whatever works for you, right?

00:29:03.539 --> 00:29:06.059
But get to a place where there's somebody worth

00:29:06.059 --> 00:29:09.380
defending and eventually that will be you, right?

00:29:09.559 --> 00:29:11.440
It might take a couple of steps to get there.

00:29:11.980 --> 00:29:14.099
So find out what that first step is. Who is that

00:29:14.099 --> 00:29:16.220
person that you want to defend? If it's not you,

00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:18.900
figure it out and eventually you can project

00:29:18.900 --> 00:29:22.579
yourself into that. Right. So catch it when it

00:29:22.579 --> 00:29:25.299
happens. Assess it. Is it true? Is it necessary?

00:29:25.420 --> 00:29:26.900
Is it kind? Yeah. What are you going to say?

00:29:27.059 --> 00:29:29.000
Yeah, I just like the is it true? Is it necessary?

00:29:29.119 --> 00:29:31.740
Is it kind framework for, it's a check -in for

00:29:31.740 --> 00:29:33.819
whether you should say something at all. Yeah.

00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:36.279
Out loud to another person. Right. And you can

00:29:36.279 --> 00:29:37.900
just, you're just applying the same standard

00:29:37.900 --> 00:29:41.289
to. Whether you're going to allow yourself to

00:29:41.289 --> 00:29:43.750
speak to yourself that way. Yeah. So catch, assess.

00:29:44.150 --> 00:29:47.269
Next was reframe. Yeah. So replace any harsh

00:29:47.269 --> 00:29:52.049
or vague or non -constructive talk with alternatives

00:29:52.049 --> 00:29:55.470
that are constructive. How would you say it if

00:29:55.470 --> 00:29:57.309
you were giving feedback to someone that you

00:29:57.309 --> 00:29:59.269
were responsible for helping? How would you say

00:29:59.269 --> 00:30:01.670
it to a person that you cared about or a person

00:30:01.670 --> 00:30:05.130
that you loved, right? So you know what? That

00:30:05.130 --> 00:30:08.369
wasn't the smartest move in the future. Maybe

00:30:08.369 --> 00:30:11.329
you should do this instead. Instead of, my God,

00:30:11.369 --> 00:30:13.609
you're such an idiot. Right. Now, some people,

00:30:13.750 --> 00:30:16.349
there's a pitfall here. How would you say it

00:30:16.349 --> 00:30:18.869
to someone if you're giving them feedback? Some

00:30:18.869 --> 00:30:22.470
people would water down the message and would

00:30:22.470 --> 00:30:24.490
withhold and just wouldn't say it in a way that's

00:30:24.490 --> 00:30:26.470
direct. They would essentially bullshit the other

00:30:26.470 --> 00:30:27.890
person. But you know, because you're the person

00:30:27.890 --> 00:30:30.750
bullshitting yourself. Right. So assuming you're

00:30:30.750 --> 00:30:33.549
good at feedback. And if you're not, we have

00:30:33.549 --> 00:30:35.769
another episode on how to deliver feedback. Oh,

00:30:35.769 --> 00:30:37.529
yeah. We just did a feedback episode. Check that

00:30:37.529 --> 00:30:39.210
one out. We'll link to it somewhere here. Shameless

00:30:39.210 --> 00:30:42.769
plug. So the reframe has to ring true. It has

00:30:42.769 --> 00:30:47.789
to feel accurate, right? You can't get away with

00:30:47.789 --> 00:30:49.230
BSing yourself because you'll know you're doing

00:30:49.230 --> 00:30:52.009
it. Yeah. But there's usually a way to upgrade

00:30:52.009 --> 00:30:56.430
the phrasing such that it maintains the signal

00:30:56.430 --> 00:31:03.019
and gets rid of the noise, right? multitasking

00:31:03.019 --> 00:31:05.920
and wasn't paying enough attention to this thing

00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:08.559
I was doing. So I banged my thumb with a hammer.

00:31:08.619 --> 00:31:10.740
Right. Not because I'm an idiot, but because

00:31:10.740 --> 00:31:13.319
I was trying to do two things at once. And when

00:31:13.319 --> 00:31:15.180
I'm trying to do two things at once, neither

00:31:15.180 --> 00:31:17.759
of those things should involve a hammer. Yeah.

00:31:17.920 --> 00:31:21.240
Right. It's true. It's more accurate, more useful.

00:31:21.400 --> 00:31:25.140
Yes. And more kind. So catch, assess, reframe.

00:31:25.140 --> 00:31:27.940
The reframe, there's always a way to reframe

00:31:27.940 --> 00:31:30.960
and upgrade the way that you say something to

00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:32.859
yourself. Well, and it's useful, right? When

00:31:32.859 --> 00:31:36.420
we reframe it, we give ourselves access to a

00:31:36.420 --> 00:31:37.819
different way of thinking about ourselves, a

00:31:37.819 --> 00:31:40.880
different way of experiencing things. And that

00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:43.019
can help just, I mean, if this whole thing has

00:31:43.019 --> 00:31:45.740
been about cleaning up your internal dialogue,

00:31:46.019 --> 00:31:49.839
this is how you do it through reframing. It might

00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:52.339
take a little while, but the more you practice,

00:31:52.519 --> 00:31:54.140
the better you're going to get at it. The last

00:31:54.140 --> 00:31:58.799
piece is embedding. So reinforcing new patterns,

00:31:59.039 --> 00:32:00.869
right? Because it's one thing to catch yourself

00:32:00.869 --> 00:32:02.869
in the act once and to reframe a particular instance

00:32:02.869 --> 00:32:06.490
of it. But most of us, our self -talk is a well

00:32:06.490 --> 00:32:08.930
-worn path that we've practiced for decades.

00:32:09.250 --> 00:32:12.650
Yeah. So you're not going to erase those old

00:32:12.650 --> 00:32:13.950
patterns, but you're trying to carve out new

00:32:13.950 --> 00:32:16.369
ones. And like any new habit, it requires practice

00:32:16.369 --> 00:32:18.470
and repetition. So this is the embed piece. So

00:32:18.470 --> 00:32:20.150
one of the things that I do, if we're talking

00:32:20.150 --> 00:32:22.450
about embedding, is I was talking to someone

00:32:22.450 --> 00:32:25.109
once about negative self -talk, which is something

00:32:25.109 --> 00:32:27.779
I used to do a lot. And they said, You know what?

00:32:27.819 --> 00:32:30.319
When you notice negative self -talk, one of the

00:32:30.319 --> 00:32:32.299
things that you can do is you can say, thanks,

00:32:32.460 --> 00:32:34.680
I appreciate, because if we're talking about

00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:37.359
the parts thing, right? Yeah. We say, thank you,

00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:41.059
got it, heard, and then you can reframe it from

00:32:41.059 --> 00:32:44.559
there. So if I catch myself saying, God, that

00:32:44.559 --> 00:32:47.039
was so stupid, instead of telling that part of

00:32:47.039 --> 00:32:51.079
myself to stop or shut up or shut down or to

00:32:51.079 --> 00:32:54.759
quiet it, I'll say, thank you, and I'll try and

00:32:54.759 --> 00:32:58.000
see. Where the value was, and that's how I can

00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:04.140
embed those new pathways. Right. Other things

00:33:04.140 --> 00:33:09.680
you can do to consciously cultivate more constructive

00:33:09.680 --> 00:33:14.240
self -talk is you can get in the habit of journaling

00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:17.880
or just capturing wins. Yeah. We always notice

00:33:17.880 --> 00:33:22.779
our mistakes, but we tend to downplay or gloss

00:33:22.779 --> 00:33:26.700
over our victories. At the end of a day, you

00:33:26.700 --> 00:33:29.759
can just have a habit of reflecting on, say,

00:33:29.819 --> 00:33:31.880
one to three things during the day that you did

00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:34.440
really well that you can be proud of. Yeah. Or

00:33:34.440 --> 00:33:35.900
another way to do it is if you don't want to

00:33:35.900 --> 00:33:37.799
journal, if that's not something that works for

00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:40.380
you, if there's someone in your life, a partner

00:33:40.380 --> 00:33:42.740
or a friend, maybe you call one another at the

00:33:42.740 --> 00:33:44.259
end of the day or you speak to your partner at

00:33:44.259 --> 00:33:45.660
the end of the day and say like, hey, what's

00:33:45.660 --> 00:33:47.220
something that went really well? And you can

00:33:47.220 --> 00:33:49.420
help reinforce those wins. Totally. Yeah. I've

00:33:49.420 --> 00:33:51.940
got a group of people I speak to weekly on Friday

00:33:51.940 --> 00:33:55.740
mornings. And we always start off with just sharing

00:33:55.740 --> 00:33:57.539
wins. What's a win from the week? Right. And

00:33:57.539 --> 00:33:59.160
there's always something. Yeah. And it feels

00:33:59.160 --> 00:34:03.440
good to pause and reflect on a victory. And there's

00:34:03.440 --> 00:34:06.279
a few things about this. Ideally, like with habits,

00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:08.699
it's the number of reps you get in that really

00:34:08.699 --> 00:34:10.280
help ingrain it. So you want to do this daily

00:34:10.280 --> 00:34:14.400
if you can. Yeah. And you can. Absolutely. And

00:34:14.400 --> 00:34:15.780
you can use something called habit stacking,

00:34:15.960 --> 00:34:18.980
which is one way to help a new habit stick is

00:34:18.980 --> 00:34:21.380
if you... Ride the coattails of an existing one

00:34:21.380 --> 00:34:23.719
that's already well established. Right. So for

00:34:23.719 --> 00:34:26.960
example, brushing your teeth. I assume you brush

00:34:26.960 --> 00:34:29.579
your teeth every night before bed. While you're

00:34:29.579 --> 00:34:32.840
brushing your teeth, you can just mentally replay

00:34:32.840 --> 00:34:39.420
your day and find a win or three and remind yourself,

00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:41.519
oh, that's something I feel good about today.

00:34:41.719 --> 00:34:45.219
Yeah. And you want to do it not just intellectually,

00:34:45.320 --> 00:34:47.460
like making a note of it. You want to practice

00:34:47.460 --> 00:34:49.139
because that's the thought part, but you also

00:34:49.139 --> 00:34:51.199
want to practice the emotional component. Allow

00:34:51.199 --> 00:34:54.719
yourself to actually feel the positive emotion

00:34:54.719 --> 00:34:57.380
that goes with it. So whether that's pride or

00:34:57.380 --> 00:35:02.380
confidence or accomplishment, satisfaction, whatever

00:35:02.380 --> 00:35:05.119
the feelings are that come with it. So conjure

00:35:05.119 --> 00:35:06.900
up the thought, practice saying it to yourself

00:35:06.900 --> 00:35:09.000
nicely, like that, the positive reinforcement.

00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:11.679
Hey, I really crushed that presentation today.

00:35:12.119 --> 00:35:13.920
And then let yourself experience the emotion

00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:16.920
because emotions can also be habits, right? Practice

00:35:16.920 --> 00:35:20.800
feeling certain ways. It's all neurology, right?

00:35:20.860 --> 00:35:23.139
It's all brain stuff at the end of the day. Yeah.

00:35:23.219 --> 00:35:25.699
So you want to practice that brain stuff. Yeah.

00:35:25.780 --> 00:35:27.900
Carve new neural pathways. Get to that point

00:35:27.900 --> 00:35:32.360
where this becomes habitual and the way you speak

00:35:32.360 --> 00:35:35.230
to yourself. Carving new habits. Carving new

00:35:35.230 --> 00:35:38.730
habits. So yeah, watch out for a couple pitfalls.

00:35:38.929 --> 00:35:42.530
A lot of perfectionists will justify their perfectionism

00:35:42.530 --> 00:35:45.269
as just having high standards. That's one snag.

00:35:45.329 --> 00:35:47.429
Another one is reframing again that feels fake

00:35:47.429 --> 00:35:50.690
or forced. It's got to be authentic. It's got

00:35:50.690 --> 00:35:53.269
to ring true. Yeah. But I would assert that there's

00:35:53.269 --> 00:35:57.610
always a way that does ring true and is probably

00:35:57.610 --> 00:36:00.010
more accurate than your initial knee -jerk negative

00:36:00.010 --> 00:36:03.400
inner voice. And it's worth cultivating. Yeah.

00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:06.300
Another thing you can do, this is a little more

00:36:06.300 --> 00:36:10.420
time and labor intensive, more of a commitment,

00:36:10.460 --> 00:36:13.940
but meditation is a huge tool in the tool belt

00:36:13.940 --> 00:36:17.559
for quieting your mind. And if you're even remotely

00:36:17.559 --> 00:36:21.139
curious, I'd strongly recommend exploring meditation.

00:36:21.239 --> 00:36:22.920
There's lots of apps out there. There's all kinds

00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:25.659
of guided meditations on YouTube. Find one you

00:36:25.659 --> 00:36:28.360
like, start small, 10 minutes a day, and just

00:36:28.360 --> 00:36:32.289
practice. quieting your mind. It's an investment

00:36:32.289 --> 00:36:34.630
that pays dividends big time. Pete Holmes, he's

00:36:34.630 --> 00:36:36.389
a comedian. He has a podcast and he was talking

00:36:36.389 --> 00:36:39.449
about how he meditates. And someone had said

00:36:39.449 --> 00:36:43.590
to him, he said, I don't have 10 minutes to meditate

00:36:43.590 --> 00:36:45.710
a day. And they said, if you don't have 10 minutes

00:36:45.710 --> 00:36:48.150
to meditate a day, you need to meditate for 20

00:36:48.150 --> 00:36:49.570
minutes a day. I've heard that too. Yeah. If

00:36:49.570 --> 00:36:51.030
you don't have time to meditate 10 minutes, you

00:36:51.030 --> 00:36:53.289
need to do 20. Yeah. Couldn't agree more. Yeah.

00:36:53.349 --> 00:36:55.929
Couldn't agree more. So signs this is working.

00:36:56.550 --> 00:36:59.679
You might find yourself With more of a spring

00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:02.539
in your step. Yeah, yeah. You might find less

00:37:02.539 --> 00:37:05.960
anxiety, less stress. You pause before reacting.

00:37:05.980 --> 00:37:09.280
You're less reactionary. You offer grace internally,

00:37:09.639 --> 00:37:13.820
which means you may be more graceful with others.

00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:15.519
More graceful with others, for sure. For sure.

00:37:15.659 --> 00:37:18.800
Yeah. Confidence, calmness, inner peace. Less

00:37:18.800 --> 00:37:21.619
performative in your outward speaking with others.

00:37:21.820 --> 00:37:23.719
More authentic. The more comfortable you are

00:37:23.719 --> 00:37:26.639
with yourself, the more... genuinely and vulnerably

00:37:26.639 --> 00:37:28.579
you'll find yourself sharing yourself well because

00:37:28.579 --> 00:37:30.340
part of this is you're just you're building self

00:37:30.340 --> 00:37:32.000
-confidence that's right when you speak to yourself

00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.860
in a nice way it helps you to become a more confident

00:37:34.860 --> 00:37:38.920
person and as a result a more genuine and more

00:37:38.920 --> 00:37:42.440
honest person yeah you're not trying to show

00:37:42.440 --> 00:37:44.219
the best parts there's nothing to hide you're

00:37:44.219 --> 00:37:45.900
not doing impression management anymore you're

00:37:45.900 --> 00:37:48.679
this can really run deep absolutely it's going

00:37:48.679 --> 00:37:50.340
to change the way that you speak to other people

00:37:50.340 --> 00:37:53.090
as well One of the pitfalls is when we have a

00:37:53.090 --> 00:37:54.929
lot of negative self -talk, if that's the way

00:37:54.929 --> 00:37:57.710
that I talk to myself, eventually that's going

00:37:57.710 --> 00:37:59.269
to slip out and I'm going to speak to other people

00:37:59.269 --> 00:38:01.670
that way because I feel as though that is an

00:38:01.670 --> 00:38:07.250
appropriate way to just have a dialogue. So yeah,

00:38:07.289 --> 00:38:09.130
it's going to clean up a lot of things. Really,

00:38:09.489 --> 00:38:11.650
there are a lot of benefits. And you'll become

00:38:11.650 --> 00:38:16.110
more effective in life, for sure. One example

00:38:16.110 --> 00:38:19.110
of a powerful reframe, I'll share something from

00:38:19.110 --> 00:38:23.449
my own personal life. years ago, like say 25

00:38:23.449 --> 00:38:26.329
years ago. So I'm in my early mid twenties at

00:38:26.329 --> 00:38:29.650
the time and you know, I'd be dating and I was

00:38:29.650 --> 00:38:31.469
insecure like a lot of people in their early

00:38:31.469 --> 00:38:34.329
twenties. Sure. And I'd be self -critical and

00:38:34.329 --> 00:38:37.489
nervous on a date. Like I could hear myself worrying

00:38:37.489 --> 00:38:39.130
about like, does she like me? Is she judging

00:38:39.130 --> 00:38:41.369
me? You know, do I look all right? Is she attracted

00:38:41.369 --> 00:38:43.489
to me? Yeah. All of these thoughts going through

00:38:43.489 --> 00:38:46.590
my mind. And with all of that inner noise, I

00:38:46.590 --> 00:38:50.590
would show up kind of visibly insecure or nervous.

00:38:51.070 --> 00:38:53.630
And then that kind of anxiety and nervousness

00:38:53.630 --> 00:38:55.710
was off -putting and the date wouldn't go so

00:38:55.710 --> 00:38:57.469
well and maybe I didn't get a second date. And

00:38:57.469 --> 00:38:59.869
then that would reinforce this belief that, oh,

00:38:59.889 --> 00:39:01.449
I'm just not good with women or women aren't

00:39:01.449 --> 00:39:04.010
attracted to me or whatever it was. And then

00:39:04.010 --> 00:39:06.989
that was this loop that I was in for a while.

00:39:07.190 --> 00:39:11.010
And then one day I paused and said, let me just

00:39:11.010 --> 00:39:13.690
examine this worldview. Because fundamentally

00:39:13.690 --> 00:39:16.389
I had it framed like she's showing up there for

00:39:16.389 --> 00:39:18.510
the purpose of judging me. And I was terrified

00:39:18.510 --> 00:39:21.949
of failing and getting it wrong. And I thought

00:39:21.949 --> 00:39:24.329
that through and was like, for that to be true,

00:39:24.429 --> 00:39:26.710
the person across the table from me would have

00:39:26.710 --> 00:39:30.769
to be like a really sadistic. Yeah. You know,

00:39:30.769 --> 00:39:32.909
like who would do that to show up just to pick

00:39:32.909 --> 00:39:35.829
someone apart? Yeah. What's more likely? More

00:39:35.829 --> 00:39:39.530
likely, this woman has already agreed to spend

00:39:39.530 --> 00:39:42.369
a few hours on a Thursday night having dinner

00:39:42.369 --> 00:39:44.369
or a drink with me. Yep. That means she already

00:39:44.369 --> 00:39:47.530
likes me. enough to carve out an evening from

00:39:47.530 --> 00:39:49.670
her week. Well, plus, think about all of the

00:39:49.670 --> 00:39:51.909
other things that go into that, right? Like,

00:39:51.909 --> 00:39:54.969
she spent time before showing up to meet you

00:39:54.969 --> 00:39:57.469
a couple of hours, probably. Getting ready. If

00:39:57.469 --> 00:39:59.329
she's anything like my partner. Right. Right?

00:39:59.670 --> 00:40:02.429
So, hair, makeup, prepping. Hair, makeup, prepping.

00:40:02.449 --> 00:40:04.309
Totally. Trying to figure out what outfit to

00:40:04.309 --> 00:40:07.309
wear. Like, it takes a lot for a person to show

00:40:07.309 --> 00:40:09.949
up to meet on a date. So, it's an investment

00:40:09.949 --> 00:40:12.110
of time. There's a lot of time. All of that.

00:40:12.190 --> 00:40:15.369
So, she already likes me enough to... invest

00:40:15.369 --> 00:40:18.789
that amount of time and effort yeah and presumably

00:40:18.789 --> 00:40:21.769
she didn't do that in hopes of wasting her evening

00:40:21.769 --> 00:40:23.989
and being disappointed so she likes me a bit

00:40:23.989 --> 00:40:27.690
already and wants to like me more yeah so this

00:40:27.690 --> 00:40:30.349
person isn't someone i should be scared of she's

00:40:30.349 --> 00:40:33.010
my biggest cheerleader she wants this to be fun

00:40:33.010 --> 00:40:37.610
she wants this to go well yeah ah okay we both

00:40:37.610 --> 00:40:40.050
want this to go well right now we're on the same

00:40:40.050 --> 00:40:42.090
now you're on the same team Okay. And that just

00:40:42.090 --> 00:40:43.889
totally, something shifted. It was like a light

00:40:43.889 --> 00:40:47.309
bulb went on because it made so much more sense

00:40:47.309 --> 00:40:50.050
than the worldview I had brought to this before.

00:40:50.190 --> 00:40:52.130
Right. And so when I thought of it that way,

00:40:52.170 --> 00:40:54.110
she's already attracted to me enough to come

00:40:54.110 --> 00:40:56.369
out on a random Thursday. Yeah. She wants to

00:40:56.369 --> 00:40:59.329
like me more. She wants this to go well. It took

00:40:59.329 --> 00:41:02.010
so much of the pressure off. And then instead

00:41:02.010 --> 00:41:04.510
of me trying to impress this person and either

00:41:04.510 --> 00:41:08.480
succeed or fail at something, it was, oh. we're

00:41:08.480 --> 00:41:10.239
both here just trying to explore whether this

00:41:10.239 --> 00:41:13.340
is a fit. Yeah. And it either already is or isn't.

00:41:13.340 --> 00:41:16.460
So there's nothing to succeed or fail at. I'm

00:41:16.460 --> 00:41:18.619
not trying to cause something to be true that

00:41:18.619 --> 00:41:20.079
isn't already true. I'm just trying to find out

00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:22.019
what's there. Yeah. And so we're just kind of

00:41:22.019 --> 00:41:23.420
getting to know each other and it took all the

00:41:23.420 --> 00:41:27.539
pressure off and my dating life radically transformed

00:41:27.539 --> 00:41:30.420
from that point forward. Right. And, you know,

00:41:30.420 --> 00:41:33.280
no looking back. That was great. So. Yeah. It's,

00:41:33.280 --> 00:41:35.840
that's just one small example of how deep this

00:41:35.840 --> 00:41:37.679
can go and how much of a difference it can make.

00:41:37.760 --> 00:41:39.940
But it's a really great example. And I think

00:41:39.940 --> 00:41:42.139
that if our listeners or our viewers right now

00:41:42.139 --> 00:41:44.679
are taking that in, like, where is somewhere

00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:47.980
in your life where if you just took one step

00:41:47.980 --> 00:41:53.960
back and assessed it rationally without ego and

00:41:53.960 --> 00:41:56.800
looked at it, like, where is it that you are

00:41:56.800 --> 00:41:58.780
having that same sort of experience where you're

00:41:58.780 --> 00:42:01.239
shutting yourself down before you even get started?

00:42:02.440 --> 00:42:04.460
you already have all the answers, right? And

00:42:04.460 --> 00:42:05.980
that nagging voice is already telling you everything.

00:42:05.980 --> 00:42:07.400
And all the evidence, because I had all kinds

00:42:07.400 --> 00:42:09.400
of dates that didn't go well, which were evidence

00:42:09.400 --> 00:42:12.179
to me that reinforced that negative belief. But

00:42:12.179 --> 00:42:14.139
when this light bulb went on or the switch was

00:42:14.139 --> 00:42:17.219
flipped in my mind, all of a sudden I was collecting

00:42:17.219 --> 00:42:20.480
all kinds of new, much better evidence. Yeah.

00:42:20.559 --> 00:42:22.940
And I became much more confident. And now, I

00:42:22.940 --> 00:42:26.099
mean, I'm not single now, but like in the last,

00:42:26.199 --> 00:42:28.679
as far back as I can remember in my modern dating

00:42:28.679 --> 00:42:33.179
life, it goes well. almost every time because

00:42:33.179 --> 00:42:37.619
I see myself differently. I see the whole experience

00:42:37.619 --> 00:42:39.519
differently and I get different results. And

00:42:39.519 --> 00:42:41.579
now I've got all kinds of evidence that reinforces

00:42:41.579 --> 00:42:45.239
this new belief. So beliefs are powerful and

00:42:45.239 --> 00:42:50.420
it's really important to practice internal belief

00:42:50.420 --> 00:42:52.699
or dialogue hygiene like we're recommending here.

00:42:52.880 --> 00:42:56.900
And it's going to be tough. Like Chris just said,

00:42:56.920 --> 00:42:59.960
you're going to have evidence for all of those

00:42:59.960 --> 00:43:03.070
negative beliefs and all of that critical self

00:43:03.070 --> 00:43:07.530
-talk. So just use that care approach, right?

00:43:07.690 --> 00:43:10.050
Notice your inner dialogue this week. Even if

00:43:10.050 --> 00:43:13.269
you just take one moment and you see something

00:43:13.269 --> 00:43:15.849
that's harsh or unhelpful, write it down and

00:43:15.849 --> 00:43:19.710
then assess it, right? Would I say this to a

00:43:19.710 --> 00:43:21.630
person who was a friend of mine? Would I say

00:43:21.630 --> 00:43:25.369
this to a child? And if not, reframe it. And

00:43:25.369 --> 00:43:29.690
is it true? Is there a more accurate? And more

00:43:29.690 --> 00:43:32.409
helpful way to look at this. Yeah. And then do

00:43:32.409 --> 00:43:34.969
that. Reframe it and see how it feels. Notice

00:43:34.969 --> 00:43:38.829
what shifts in your experience, in your belief

00:43:38.829 --> 00:43:41.429
system, in your emotions. And if you can get

00:43:41.429 --> 00:43:43.889
into like a daily habit of just taking note of

00:43:43.889 --> 00:43:47.289
catching yourself in the act of undermining yourself.

00:43:47.630 --> 00:43:50.789
Yeah. Write it down. Analyze it. Is it true?

00:43:50.889 --> 00:43:54.250
Is it necessary? Is it kind? What's a healthier,

00:43:54.429 --> 00:43:58.420
more evolved, more adult way of... assessing

00:43:58.420 --> 00:44:01.059
the situation and then reframe it and say it

00:44:01.059 --> 00:44:03.000
to yourself that way and see how it feels. So

00:44:03.000 --> 00:44:05.000
necessary is a good one, right? Is it necessary?

00:44:05.340 --> 00:44:09.019
You might feel as though it is necessary to say

00:44:09.019 --> 00:44:11.340
these sorts of things to yourself. So what's

00:44:11.340 --> 00:44:14.400
a kinder way that you could do it? And is it

00:44:14.400 --> 00:44:15.900
true? Because a lot of these things will just,

00:44:15.980 --> 00:44:19.179
if you really look at them objectively, a lot

00:44:19.179 --> 00:44:22.099
of the stuff you say to yourself is bullshit.

00:44:22.679 --> 00:44:27.480
It's not true. It's not kind. Certainly not helpful.

00:44:27.679 --> 00:44:29.920
Yeah. And you ought to knock it off. And you're

00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:32.440
keeping yourself stuck, yeah. Stop it. Stop it.

00:44:32.559 --> 00:44:34.900
Stop it. And if you do find yourself doing it,

00:44:34.920 --> 00:44:37.920
you're very bad. Bad, wrong, and you should be

00:44:37.920 --> 00:44:39.380
very self -critical and judge yourself. Beat

00:44:39.380 --> 00:44:40.460
yourself up over that. It's terrible. It's a

00:44:40.460 --> 00:44:43.320
terrible habit, and you are an awful, awful human

00:44:43.320 --> 00:44:47.840
being. Another habit you can practice is make

00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:49.820
a note of daily wins, which we mentioned. Let

00:44:49.820 --> 00:44:53.809
yourself feel it. Make a note of it. And get

00:44:53.809 --> 00:44:55.590
in touch with the feeling. Share with other people.

00:44:55.650 --> 00:44:57.750
I think that's a great way. Celebrate your wins

00:44:57.750 --> 00:45:00.050
with other people. I'm a big advocate for that.

00:45:00.190 --> 00:45:02.449
Just like, here's something that I'm really excited

00:45:02.449 --> 00:45:04.750
about. Here's something that I'm proud that happened.

00:45:05.449 --> 00:45:08.289
Doesn't have to be a big thing, but share it

00:45:08.289 --> 00:45:10.469
with people in your life. Some will be big, some

00:45:10.469 --> 00:45:12.090
will be small, but it's a useful habit to get

00:45:12.090 --> 00:45:16.170
into. And bonus points if you share this episode

00:45:16.170 --> 00:45:20.030
with a friend who might benefit from getting

00:45:20.030 --> 00:45:24.039
a better inner roommate. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

00:45:24.099 --> 00:45:27.500
As always, we hope this was useful. If you did

00:45:27.500 --> 00:45:30.320
enjoy it, give us a like, a subscribe, forward

00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:33.340
it to a friend. Yeah. And thanks for tuning in.