Let's Talk About Sex

WEBVTT

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The other thing that I really love about the

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work that I do is the ripple effect that it has

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in so many other aspects of people's lives. Because

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this is something that is so suppressed. When

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they start having breakthroughs in this area,

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it ripples into all relationships. It could be

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professional. It could be friends. It could be

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the softball team, the choir, the person that

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you're checking out your groceries with. There's

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so much more potential for authentic connection.

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and communication when people have slayed the

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demons that have been plaguing them around their

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sex life or their connection with their partner

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or their partners for usually a very long period

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of time. Welcome to Making Yourself Clear. I'm

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Chris. I'm Patrick. And today we have a special

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guest. Today's guest is Dr. Stephen DeWitt. He's

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a speaker. therapist and a researcher who has

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spent over two decades at the front lines of

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human connection. Stephen's journey spans a private

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practice as a sexologist facilitating transformational

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retreats and groundbreaking research with homeless

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veterans and people living with dementia. What

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he's uncovered is simple but profound, the same

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relational patterns that heal individuals can

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transform organizations. Through his keynotes,

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Stephen shows leaders how to eliminate silent

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friction, rebuild trust, and unlock high -performing

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loyal teams and partnerships. He doesn't just

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talk about leadership. He brings lived experience,

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behavioral science, and thousands of hours guiding

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people through their most vulnerable moments.

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His message is that the future of leadership

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is not about control. It's about connection.

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So get ready for an eye -opening conversation

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that will challenge how you think about leadership,

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communication, and intimacy. So... Stephen, welcome.

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Thanks for joining us. It's awesome to have you

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on the show. We've been wanting to get you on

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here for a while. Yeah. And we appreciate you

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being here. Yeah, it's good to be with you, Jens.

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I'm excited to be a guest and see what we can

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dig into and uncover tonight. So why don't we

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dive in? The theme of our show, as you know,

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is mostly around clarity of thought and communication

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with kind of a heavy emphasis on the communication

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piece. And we wanted to start by tapping into

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your expertise as a sexologist and a therapist,

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helping people and couples work through their

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issues around sex. So we want to talk about sex,

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but we want to talk about talking about sex in

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particular and why it's a thing that so many

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people find challenging to communicate about

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effectively. So we'd love to just hear from you,

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from your experience working with people. What

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are the most common issues that come up that

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you've had to help people work through? And why

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do you think it's such a challenge for people?

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Yeah. So I've had my private practice for the

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last 14 years now. And through my experience,

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it crosses a wide variety of human existence

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from ages to identities to orientation to relationship

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status to religion, culture, all those other

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kind of things. And the challenges that people

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face initially when they come and present to

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me can be very specific and be, you know, we're

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not having enough sex or my body isn't responding

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the way that I want it to, or I want to explore

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this, but I don't know how to. But the underlying

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fundamental themes that I really go to work on,

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because I think when you have two people standing

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in front of one another naked without any clothes

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on, but also. naked emotionally and vulnerably

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and and having that level of intimacy the most

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natural thing is to is to connect is to time

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is to be with that person now there's a lot of

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things that get in the way of our ability to

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do that and a lot of that comes down to what

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we're talking about today is communication number

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one how we communicate with ourselves about sex

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what is our own internal dialogue around it And

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then how do we navigate and how do we talk to

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our partner or partners about that? Now, underneath

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that is, you know, some of the most common themes

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that I come up against are we've never been taught

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how to talk about sex. We've not been taught

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how to explore things, how to co -create things,

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how to navigate. challenges that come up. And

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guess what? They are going to come up. If you're

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human and you're having sex, there are going

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to be challenges. But what we can do, you know,

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our default is to internalize that. I'm not good

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enough. There's shame, guilt, fear. I don't know

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how to bring that up. They're going to feel judged

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if I bring that up. I can't. I've never been.

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And especially, you know, with the men that I

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work with, there is this idea that we have to

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have all the answers, that we're the best lovers,

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that we have the biggest penises, that we always

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pleasure our partners. And that's not it. So

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I think we've never been taught about it. For

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a lot of people, we haven't been given permission

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to be really open and honest and vulnerable.

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And that's very, very frightening. You know,

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in this day and age, there's more people that

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have been given permission to talk about, let's

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talk about mental health. That has had a very

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generous spike over the last. five or so years,

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we can talk about that. We can talk about our

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finances with our partner. We can talk about

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a sick kid. We can talk about the death of a

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parent. We can talk about all these things, but

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sex. And if there's something that we're working

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on our sex life, that can be very triggering

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and very challenging. And sometimes there's pent

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up emotions around that. There can be resentment

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about that. There could be vast traumas that

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aren't dealt with because Overall, we've grown

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up in what I would refer to as a sex negative

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society where sex of it is okay if we fit into

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this little box. And if everything's going well,

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then that's perfect. But we've never been given

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the tools or the techniques or the ways to communicate

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when it goes outside of that box. And we may

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be facing challenges or really struggling with

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things. Right. We can talk about it, but as you

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said, only within pretty tight parameters. And

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then even at that. people can talk about sex

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in ways that you're joking about it like locker

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room talk especially men where that that's kind

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of okay or allowable but to talk about it in

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a way that's like real and raw and doesn't feel

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weird or like a lot of different emotions can

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come up people can feel awkward they can feel

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ashamed they can feel scared and they can i think

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largely be afraid of like how will my partner

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respond if i express this desire or this frustration

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or this whatever it is and it's like As you said,

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you're naked physically and emotionally, and

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you're opening yourself up to a form of rejection

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that feels the most personal. Yeah, there's so

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many layers on top of that. So there's the judgment

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of our partner, but also the judgment of ourselves.

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So who are we to critique ourselves about who

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we're supposed to be? And then layer on top of

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that, how our bodies are supposed to be, how...

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big or small certain body parts are, how fat

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or thin we are, how we age. I mean, you know,

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we could go deep into what's there for a lot

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of people around this performative norm that

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we've been fed by society, by media, by expectations,

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by an attachment to a younger, quote unquote,

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hotter version of ourselves. Like it goes on

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and on. Right. Yeah. When you start with couples

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or with clients. Do you have a way to sort of

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warm that up for people? Yeah. So the biggest

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thing that initially when I'm working with someone

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is building that therapeutic relationship. So

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a big part of that is just normalizing. So many

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people come and they have this big, giant albatross

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cross that they've been dragging with themselves

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that they're like, oh my God. I don't know how

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to deal with this or I'm a bad person or I'm

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so stuck or we can never get out of it. And a

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big part of what I do is just normalize it. And

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one of the things that is true is if I lived

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the life that this person had, that Patrick,

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that Chris had, it would be healthy and normal

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for me to be demonstrating or dealing with these

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challenges at this time in my life. And it would

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almost be. More of a concern if you weren't,

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because you'd just be suppressing and suppressing

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and suppressing, and then it would come up and

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bite you in the ass sometime later on in life.

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So a big part of it is, one, it's okay. Two,

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you're okay. Three, millions of people have dealt

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with or struggled with or have worked through

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this stuff and have been successful and come

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out on the other side. So a big part is just

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creating a safe space for people. I've heard,

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seen, and worked through pretty much anything

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and everything that's out there. There's very

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few things that have come into, you know, my

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sphere where I'm like, hey, you know, this is

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outside of my realm of expertise and I'm happy

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to, you know, connect you with other people.

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So it's, again, I think because we've grown up

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in this sex and negative society and there's

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so much that is tied into our sexuality and our

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identity. Right. Of like who we are or maybe

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who we've been and maybe that looks sex looks

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different. So then we're losing that connection

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to who we thought we were. And that can really

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be something that's challenging. So one, normalizing

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it and to giving people the space to talk. In

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my younger years, I'm I'm Dr. Stephen DeWitt

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and I, you know, I have lots of letters after

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my name and wrote a book and blah, blah, blah,

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blah, blah. So people. would want to talk to

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me. And what I thought is that I was real smart

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and that people wanted me to talk a lot and share

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my wisdom with them. And now I've come to a place

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where the vast majority of my calls is listening.

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People, especially when we start off, want a

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safe space to talk. Get all that stuff out that

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they... been holding in that they've been scared

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or suppressed about. And I'm just like, listen,

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you can tell me everything. And again, reassuring

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them that it's healthy, that it's normal, that

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it's OK, regardless of how wild and weird and

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whatever you think your life is. I have a huge

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capacity for human sexuality as part of my training

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as a sexologist. And now it's more listening

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and then, you know, sharing growth opportunities

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for them or. maybe challenging them and holding

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up a mirror for what I'm hearing. But, you know,

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initially it was like 80 % of me talking, 20

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% of me listening. And now it's 80%, if not more

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of me listening and then 20 % of me talking.

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Yeah. Spot on. That makes a lot of sense. I imagine

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working with hundreds of people in couples over

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the years, hundreds, maybe thousands. doing all

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of that listening as people express whatever

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it is they're experiencing and going through,

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you probably notice patterns and themes that

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emerge frequently. And then I imagine there's

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quite a variety of things, but there's probably

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a handful of themes that come up with some regularity.

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Is that a safe assumption to make? And if so,

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what are some of the more common ones you've

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encountered? I think the biggest theme that I

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could say is people want to be seen, loved, and

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accepted for who they are and our greatest fear

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is to be judged and made wrong specifically in

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the realm of sex and sexuality and so that is

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the thing that you know if i boil things down

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that's what people want they want this is about

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connection this is about being so raw and so

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vulnerable with somebody and that's that's a

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big thing the the other theme is Being able to

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step in and own the desire for pleasure. And

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that can be challenging for people to be like,

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yes, I want this. Yes, I want to be able to ask

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for this. Yes, I want more of this. Yes, I want

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it more often. Yes, I want you to do this this

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way to me. Some people, number one, have never

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been given permission, never given themselves

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permission or a partner to give me permission

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about what do I really want? Like, what is the

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stuff in the back of my head that I masturbate

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about and that I do not talk to a partner about

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or my husband or wife or a boyfriend or a fuck

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buddy or whatever you have in your life? Like,

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oh, I can't do that. And so what does it take

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to unlock that for people to be able to share

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that? So those would be the unlocking the pleasure

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piece. Because most people are locked in what

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I would call the performative piece. Who do I

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have to be or how do I have to be with a partner?

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What have I been taught? Or maybe what my last

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partner really liked this and I haven't communicated

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to my new partner. So I'm just going to do the

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things or say the things that they like in the

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past. And I'm bringing that forward where your

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partner's like, no, no, no, no. I want you to

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put peanut butter on your nipples and put a raccoon

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skin cap on and dance on the living room table.

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And that really... gets me hard or gets me wet

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right we're operating from that past so how do

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we how do we let go of some of that stuff how

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do we shed some of that stuff and then the other

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thing that i really love about the work that

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i do is the ripple effect that it has in so many

00:14:12.700 --> 00:14:15.519
other aspects of people's lives because this

00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:18.620
is something that is so suppressed when they

00:14:18.620 --> 00:14:21.740
start having breakthroughs in this area it ripples

00:14:21.740 --> 00:14:24.399
into all relationships. Could be professional,

00:14:24.659 --> 00:14:27.360
it could be friends, it could be the softball

00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:30.419
team, the choir, the person that you're checking

00:14:30.419 --> 00:14:33.179
out your groceries with. There's so much more

00:14:33.179 --> 00:14:37.179
potential for authentic connection and communication

00:14:37.179 --> 00:14:40.860
when people have slayed the demons that have

00:14:40.860 --> 00:14:43.440
been plaguing them around their sex life or their

00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:45.679
connection with their partner or their partners

00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:48.659
for usually a very long period of time. Why do

00:14:48.659 --> 00:14:51.289
you think that When people do that work, it can

00:14:51.289 --> 00:14:53.710
branch out into their professional and personal

00:14:53.710 --> 00:14:56.470
lives in other ways. So there's definitely the

00:14:56.470 --> 00:15:00.090
aspect of like maybe the hard skills, like some

00:15:00.090 --> 00:15:02.590
of the communication techniques and that kind

00:15:02.590 --> 00:15:04.909
of stuff. But what my experience has been is

00:15:04.909 --> 00:15:07.509
working with clients is there's like a like a

00:15:07.509 --> 00:15:09.490
shift in how they're being around themselves.

00:15:09.669 --> 00:15:14.149
If you're carrying like guilt or shame or fear

00:15:14.149 --> 00:15:18.720
or are super tightly wound about. things and

00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:22.779
you can unwind some of that or you can let go

00:15:22.779 --> 00:15:26.539
of some of that shame or work through and release

00:15:26.539 --> 00:15:29.460
some of that fear and some of that guilt there's

00:15:29.460 --> 00:15:32.779
like uh like an aliveness there's a confidence

00:15:32.779 --> 00:15:37.659
that comes in who you are as a human being because

00:15:37.659 --> 00:15:41.259
i believe that your sexuality and and how you

00:15:41.259 --> 00:15:43.399
enjoy expressing that is is a really important

00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:47.059
part of who you are as a whole person And so

00:15:47.059 --> 00:15:50.059
being able to have some of that confidence in

00:15:50.059 --> 00:15:53.139
other aspects and just be like, yeah, I am who

00:15:53.139 --> 00:15:58.100
I am and I'm deserving of love and pleasure and

00:15:58.100 --> 00:16:01.860
commitment and intimacy and vulnerability and

00:16:01.860 --> 00:16:05.519
fun and whatever else you want to have, you get

00:16:05.519 --> 00:16:07.659
to create it. That's another thing that I work

00:16:07.659 --> 00:16:10.720
with people on is like, I'm not attached to your

00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:14.250
relationship or the sex that you have. in any

00:16:14.250 --> 00:16:18.730
other way than what is authentic to you. Another

00:16:18.730 --> 00:16:21.350
thing that I like to work with people on, and

00:16:21.350 --> 00:16:24.210
they can take that out to translate into other

00:16:24.210 --> 00:16:28.769
places, is looking at having sex meet you where

00:16:28.769 --> 00:16:32.690
you're at, rather than most people are like,

00:16:32.789 --> 00:16:36.090
oh, I need to meet this particular level of sex.

00:16:36.450 --> 00:16:38.889
Like it has to be this long, this many orgasms,

00:16:38.889 --> 00:16:40.509
this many positions. This is the thing where

00:16:40.509 --> 00:16:42.519
I'm at, where I'm like. Sex is something that's

00:16:42.519 --> 00:16:45.799
co -created between you and a partner. So how

00:16:45.799 --> 00:16:49.080
are you feeling today? What kind of connection

00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:52.100
do you need? Do you want to be giving? Do you

00:16:52.100 --> 00:16:55.340
want to be receiving? Do you want it to be soft

00:16:55.340 --> 00:16:57.899
and loving? Do you want it fucking rough and

00:16:57.899 --> 00:17:01.019
kinky? Like, what is it you get to create it?

00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:04.319
And a lot of people get stuck in a rut of this

00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:08.539
is the way sex is. And I have to meet some, there's

00:17:08.539 --> 00:17:12.440
some bar that I have to meet. of what sex should

00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:15.400
be. And so that's why I always like to say sex

00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:16.880
is something that meets you where you're at.

00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.339
And so being able to take that into other aspects

00:17:20.339 --> 00:17:23.160
of people's lives is like, hey, what really works

00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:26.259
for me today? Like what really honors me for

00:17:26.259 --> 00:17:30.859
where I'm at with my output, with my relationships,

00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:34.579
with my work, with my team, whatever. It's just,

00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:39.200
hey, this is what I got going on right now. How

00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.000
can I be responsible for the responsibilities

00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:43.799
that I have at work or with my team or whatever,

00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:46.900
but still on another place where I'm at? What

00:17:46.900 --> 00:17:49.460
do I need? Do I need to ask for support? Do I

00:17:49.460 --> 00:17:52.839
need to plan something afterwards where I can

00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:55.140
just chill out a little bit more? Like, what

00:17:55.140 --> 00:17:58.900
is it that I can navigate life with a little

00:17:58.900 --> 00:18:01.680
bit more ease and a little bit more peace and

00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:04.799
a little bit more pleasure in my life? I want

00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:07.289
to circle back and double click on. something

00:18:07.289 --> 00:18:09.910
i picked up on what you were saying it's this

00:18:09.910 --> 00:18:13.509
idea of falling into a rut or a pattern especially

00:18:13.509 --> 00:18:15.630
if you've been with the same partner for a period

00:18:15.630 --> 00:18:18.230
of time where it can start to feel sort of routine

00:18:18.230 --> 00:18:21.549
like this is how we do sex and not just the positions

00:18:21.549 --> 00:18:25.430
or the mechanics of it but the ways of being

00:18:25.430 --> 00:18:27.630
and the relational dynamic you know maybe it's

00:18:27.630 --> 00:18:30.069
just it's light and fun and playful all the time

00:18:30.069 --> 00:18:31.809
and you want to explore something different like

00:18:31.809 --> 00:18:34.970
a little darker or I want to try playing with

00:18:34.970 --> 00:18:36.630
power dynamics and being a little more dominant

00:18:36.630 --> 00:18:39.170
or being a little more submissive. So it's a

00:18:39.170 --> 00:18:42.630
deeply personal self -expression. But my question

00:18:42.630 --> 00:18:45.609
is, when you're in a sort of pattern and you

00:18:45.609 --> 00:18:50.089
kind of, both partners end up reinforcing a certain

00:18:50.089 --> 00:18:52.690
identity. This is who you are sexually and this

00:18:52.690 --> 00:18:55.130
is who I am. And this is, if I relate to you

00:18:55.130 --> 00:18:57.170
as that, then you're kind of stuck playing that

00:18:57.170 --> 00:18:59.410
role and vice versa. If you relate to me a certain

00:18:59.410 --> 00:19:03.299
way and I want to try something different. It's

00:19:03.299 --> 00:19:08.220
a new dynamic and there can be something scary

00:19:08.220 --> 00:19:10.000
about that. Like I'm trying to express myself

00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:12.440
in a new way that kind of breaks the established

00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:16.380
mold between us. How do you guide people through

00:19:16.380 --> 00:19:20.339
playing around in that sort of space? And I ask

00:19:20.339 --> 00:19:22.059
for a particular reason, which is like part two,

00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:25.480
because I deal with this in like the, in a corporate

00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:27.460
setting all the time, people wanting to be more

00:19:27.460 --> 00:19:29.519
like cultivate executive presence or show up

00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:31.960
more commanding at work. And I'm just seeing

00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:35.259
a like a one to one mapping between new ways

00:19:35.259 --> 00:19:36.940
of expressing yourself and new ways of being

00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:40.220
in the bedroom versus the boardroom. Yeah. Yeah.

00:19:40.460 --> 00:19:42.700
Yeah. Great question. I think the first thing

00:19:42.700 --> 00:19:46.759
that I always encourage people to do is specifically,

00:19:46.799 --> 00:19:48.500
you know, in the scenario that you have where

00:19:48.500 --> 00:19:51.819
they have a partner is check in with their partner

00:19:51.819 --> 00:19:54.619
and see if they're both on the same page of like,

00:19:54.700 --> 00:19:57.079
hey, we want to, you know, turn the heat up or.

00:19:57.480 --> 00:19:59.500
We want to explore something new together. Because

00:19:59.500 --> 00:20:03.339
if your partner is like, no, then that's a different

00:20:03.339 --> 00:20:06.119
kind of conversation to have. What I don't suggest,

00:20:06.339 --> 00:20:09.019
and you often, I don't know, like these advice

00:20:09.019 --> 00:20:11.440
columnists or back in the day when there were

00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:16.059
magazines, it's like, surprise them with a fill

00:20:16.059 --> 00:20:20.720
in the blank X, Y, Z, a feather, a vibrator,

00:20:20.859 --> 00:20:24.059
whatever kind of thing. I was like, hell to the

00:20:24.059 --> 00:20:26.450
no. Because if that is a trigger for your partner

00:20:26.450 --> 00:20:28.789
that you don't know about because it's new and

00:20:28.789 --> 00:20:30.410
they're like, oh, and then there's pressure on

00:20:30.410 --> 00:20:33.109
them to like use the thing. And it's like, oh,

00:20:33.170 --> 00:20:36.049
come on, we're adults here. And again, it's time

00:20:36.049 --> 00:20:39.150
to have some of these adult conversations. So

00:20:39.150 --> 00:20:41.250
number one is just check in with your partner.

00:20:41.349 --> 00:20:43.369
See if they're on the same page. Having conversations

00:20:43.369 --> 00:20:45.890
and regular conversations about your relationship

00:20:45.890 --> 00:20:47.869
and your sex life is key. So one of the things

00:20:47.869 --> 00:20:51.809
that I always say to all my clients is if they

00:20:51.809 --> 00:20:54.220
have a partner. And I work with lots of single

00:20:54.220 --> 00:20:56.500
people as well. But if you have a partner, schedule

00:20:56.500 --> 00:21:00.059
on the books once every two weeks that you have

00:21:00.059 --> 00:21:03.519
a relationship check -in conversation. Like what's

00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:06.519
working? Like where have you seen or felt seen

00:21:06.519 --> 00:21:10.480
and supported? Where has it been challenging

00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.339
for you? And just have a list of questions that

00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:14.799
you go back and forth and ask both people. How

00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:16.579
is our sex like? What's going on? What are you

00:21:16.579 --> 00:21:18.180
really enjoying? What's a challenge? Like those

00:21:18.180 --> 00:21:20.440
kind of things. Like let's normalize some of

00:21:20.440 --> 00:21:23.000
these conversations. So back to your question

00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:24.640
is you want to make sure that your partner is

00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:28.720
on board and then you can get you can get creative

00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.559
is like, OK, asking the question, OK, what's

00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:33.099
that going to take for us to explore something?

00:21:33.779 --> 00:21:36.640
And so this is where I start looking at the foundations

00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:40.500
of a sexual relationship. Most people can be

00:21:40.500 --> 00:21:45.180
like, well, I want Patrick to tie you up and

00:21:45.180 --> 00:21:49.900
get a wooden spoon and spank the bottom of your

00:21:49.900 --> 00:21:53.319
feet. Right. That's really hot. And you may be

00:21:53.319 --> 00:21:58.039
like, oh, shit, I have always wanted to be tied

00:21:58.039 --> 00:22:00.960
up and have the bottom of my feet spanked with

00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:03.220
a wooden spoon. And you guys are like, yes, yes,

00:22:03.220 --> 00:22:05.940
yes, yes, yes. Super hot, super fun. What a lot

00:22:05.940 --> 00:22:09.220
of people fail to think about and where I get

00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:12.259
people to start doing the work is what are some

00:22:12.259 --> 00:22:15.160
of the fundamentals that are necessary for you

00:22:15.160 --> 00:22:17.619
to feel comfortable exploring that? Right. Because

00:22:17.619 --> 00:22:20.849
we can often get caught up in the. The physics

00:22:20.849 --> 00:22:23.210
of it, the hydraulics of hardened to wet, our

00:22:23.210 --> 00:22:26.349
positions, the fun things, watching porn, like,

00:22:26.410 --> 00:22:28.109
oh, this is how it's done, or this is how it

00:22:28.109 --> 00:22:29.490
is, and that's really hot, and that's the way

00:22:29.490 --> 00:22:32.509
I think it's going to go. But if we start looking

00:22:32.509 --> 00:22:34.650
at what is the foundation that that can be built

00:22:34.650 --> 00:22:37.910
on? So what would it look like to be tied up?

00:22:38.069 --> 00:22:40.029
That could be, if you've never done that before,

00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:42.230
that could bring up a lot of stuff for you. So

00:22:42.230 --> 00:22:44.190
what is the foundation? The foundations are honesty,

00:22:44.369 --> 00:22:47.650
or the three things that I talk about a lot are

00:22:47.650 --> 00:22:50.789
the triad of trust. which is honesty, respect,

00:22:50.950 --> 00:22:53.769
and safety. Now, if you've been with your partner

00:22:53.769 --> 00:22:55.410
for a long time, you're like, oh, of course we're

00:22:55.410 --> 00:22:56.910
honest. Of course we're respectful, of course.

00:22:57.089 --> 00:22:59.710
But now when we're starting to talk about exploring

00:22:59.710 --> 00:23:03.230
new things sexually, being honest with one another

00:23:03.230 --> 00:23:07.869
may take a different tone because I may have

00:23:07.869 --> 00:23:10.450
faked an orgasm with you and that's just kind

00:23:10.450 --> 00:23:12.089
of part of what I've done. But if I'm getting

00:23:12.089 --> 00:23:14.849
tied up now, there's a different level of honesty

00:23:14.849 --> 00:23:17.450
that I need to be bringing to the table, right?

00:23:18.259 --> 00:23:22.319
What does respect look like inside of, okay,

00:23:22.380 --> 00:23:24.900
so now there's this power dynamic that we're

00:23:24.900 --> 00:23:27.960
introducing. How do we normalize that power dynamic

00:23:27.960 --> 00:23:30.759
so then we can go back to be regular partners

00:23:30.759 --> 00:23:33.180
after this and going to work or raising kids

00:23:33.180 --> 00:23:35.819
or visiting our parents or whatever, playing

00:23:35.819 --> 00:23:39.660
Frisbee together? And then what does safety look

00:23:39.660 --> 00:23:41.960
like? Okay, if we're exploring new things together

00:23:41.960 --> 00:23:43.960
that we've never explored together, being tied

00:23:43.960 --> 00:23:46.119
up, what does safety look like for that? How

00:23:46.119 --> 00:23:47.900
hard do you like the bottom of your feet? How

00:23:47.900 --> 00:23:51.119
big is the wooden spoon? So being able to look

00:23:51.119 --> 00:23:53.839
at what is that foundation that needs to be built

00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:58.400
before kind of exploring those new things, I

00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:03.759
think is really important. And then when we start

00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:08.339
thinking about what I would refer to as non -normative

00:24:08.339 --> 00:24:12.259
sexual practices, because everything is on a

00:24:12.259 --> 00:24:14.900
spectrum, there's no abnormal and normal, but...

00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:19.160
They're statistically normative. It's like how

00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:22.299
many sigmas are you from the norm? Exactly, right?

00:24:22.420 --> 00:24:27.000
Is having the right context. So when we look

00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:29.500
at introducing new things, people could be like,

00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:32.480
oh, that's kink. And people could get all tied

00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:36.640
up in their head about what kink is. The media

00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:42.960
often misrepresents kink and that row of things.

00:24:43.390 --> 00:24:46.710
But I always like to think about kink as giving

00:24:46.710 --> 00:24:49.509
yourself and your partner, your partner's the

00:24:49.509 --> 00:24:53.450
license to have fun. That's it. To get creative

00:24:53.450 --> 00:24:58.650
with it. And also realizing that kink is all

00:24:58.650 --> 00:25:01.869
subjective. The three of us walk into the bar

00:25:01.869 --> 00:25:04.910
and someone says, hey, what do you think about

00:25:04.910 --> 00:25:11.269
pegging? To be pegged. And all three of us, Patrick

00:25:11.269 --> 00:25:13.549
would be like. oh, that's hot and that's sexy.

00:25:14.730 --> 00:25:19.750
Chris can be like, oh, that is, you know, a little

00:25:19.750 --> 00:25:22.509
bit outside of my comfort zone right now. And

00:25:22.509 --> 00:25:25.009
I could be like, that's wrong and that's perverted.

00:25:25.650 --> 00:25:28.430
And then another person could be like, well,

00:25:28.549 --> 00:25:33.089
what do you think about electrostimulation? And

00:25:33.089 --> 00:25:35.910
Patrick could be like, you're a pervert. That's

00:25:35.910 --> 00:25:38.970
wrong. You shouldn't do that. Right. And then.

00:25:39.869 --> 00:25:42.029
Chris could be like, oh, that's hot. I did that

00:25:42.029 --> 00:25:45.430
last night. And I could be like, oh, well, I'm

00:25:45.430 --> 00:25:48.890
not quite comfortable with that right now. So

00:25:48.890 --> 00:25:53.250
it's all subjective. And it's looking at and

00:25:53.250 --> 00:25:56.630
exploring coming from a place of fun, coming

00:25:56.630 --> 00:25:59.990
from a place of non -judgment, and coming from

00:25:59.990 --> 00:26:04.529
a place of, okay, how do we explore this in a

00:26:04.529 --> 00:26:07.430
way that feels good for us? And how do we...

00:26:07.740 --> 00:26:10.539
actually navigate and like learn about what's

00:26:10.539 --> 00:26:14.299
hot for you or what you'd like to explore and

00:26:14.299 --> 00:26:18.240
normalizing that conversation that just because

00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:20.059
you say something that we've never done before

00:26:20.059 --> 00:26:23.000
doesn't mean that I'm a bad partner or that I'm

00:26:23.000 --> 00:26:25.839
not sexy or whatever that situation is. No, we've

00:26:25.839 --> 00:26:27.519
never just, we've never had that conversation

00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:31.319
about that before. Right. Yeah. Right. Okay.

00:26:32.460 --> 00:26:35.799
So you're advocating a lot of communication.

00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:39.220
obviously around sex and sexuality and desires

00:26:39.220 --> 00:26:43.400
and all the feelings. I'm imagining that the

00:26:43.400 --> 00:26:45.859
conversations happen before you're in a sexual

00:26:45.859 --> 00:26:47.720
situation. You want to talk about it in advance,

00:26:47.799 --> 00:26:50.960
ideally, or maybe even like it can be in the

00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:54.440
same day, but before the act, like what's the,

00:26:54.559 --> 00:26:57.099
and then how do you transition from, because

00:26:57.099 --> 00:26:59.200
there's a way of talking about sex that feels

00:26:59.200 --> 00:27:02.079
flirty and sexy and where you're kind of in your

00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:04.869
sexual energy. And then there's a way of talking

00:27:04.869 --> 00:27:06.710
about a lot of the mechanics and things that

00:27:06.710 --> 00:27:09.630
can start to feel a bit dry and clinical. And

00:27:09.630 --> 00:27:11.750
those are very different vibes. I'm not sure

00:27:11.750 --> 00:27:13.910
if I had a crisp question there, but this is

00:27:13.910 --> 00:27:16.049
stream of consciousness. I'm happy to talk to

00:27:16.049 --> 00:27:18.490
the crispiness or lack thereof of your questions.

00:27:19.049 --> 00:27:23.349
So I always say there's communication that happens

00:27:23.349 --> 00:27:26.069
before, during and after. And developing a level

00:27:26.069 --> 00:27:28.829
of confidence and mastery inside of that is key

00:27:28.829 --> 00:27:32.490
to what is going on. And I get your thing. Some

00:27:32.490 --> 00:27:34.089
people are like, oh, Stephen, that's too much

00:27:34.089 --> 00:27:36.170
communication. And I want it to be like, it's

00:27:36.170 --> 00:27:40.049
got a flow. And I got to be like, and I'm just

00:27:40.049 --> 00:27:43.970
like, bish, you're trying to win at something

00:27:43.970 --> 00:27:46.789
that the odds are stacked against you. Yeah,

00:27:46.789 --> 00:27:48.410
there's a way with the odds stacked against you.

00:27:48.490 --> 00:27:52.230
Yeah, because going into something that you don't

00:27:52.230 --> 00:27:55.890
know how the other person is going to react.

00:27:56.619 --> 00:27:59.319
Going into something that is new for you, you

00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:03.160
don't know how you're going to react. Is setting

00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:08.119
yourself for a higher risk of miscommunication,

00:28:08.160 --> 00:28:12.160
of lack of enjoyment, of lack of preparation

00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:15.059
for what the actual sensation is or what's going

00:28:15.059 --> 00:28:18.420
on for you inside of it, what actually happens

00:28:18.420 --> 00:28:22.559
for you afterwards, any kind of... safety that

00:28:22.559 --> 00:28:25.339
is necessary inside of checking in with the other

00:28:25.339 --> 00:28:27.799
person, like all that world of stuff can really

00:28:27.799 --> 00:28:33.220
go sideways. And so there, but again, there is

00:28:33.220 --> 00:28:36.599
a balance between talking about it and having

00:28:36.599 --> 00:28:39.799
things be erotic and sexual. And like, if you're

00:28:39.799 --> 00:28:43.059
texting, like the sexting side of things, and

00:28:43.059 --> 00:28:46.880
there is that I believe is important to be cut

00:28:46.880 --> 00:28:50.720
with some like check -ins. about that, about

00:28:50.720 --> 00:28:53.259
what that actually looks like. So often, like

00:28:53.259 --> 00:28:55.880
I recommend, if you're talking to someone or

00:28:55.880 --> 00:28:58.380
chatting with someone and it's getting hot and

00:28:58.380 --> 00:29:00.200
there's a question in the back of your head that's

00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:04.000
like, well, what the hell happens if I pass out,

00:29:04.019 --> 00:29:07.460
fall down, whatever is going on? You can say

00:29:07.460 --> 00:29:10.500
like, hey, I just want to hit pause for a second.

00:29:11.240 --> 00:29:12.940
And I want to check in with you about this is

00:29:12.940 --> 00:29:14.480
really hot and we'll get right back to it. But

00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:16.200
this is my question. Have you thought about that?

00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:21.160
Right. And so being able to hit pause on things

00:29:21.160 --> 00:29:24.000
and then hit play on like the fun things are

00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:27.420
really, really important. There is a communication

00:29:27.420 --> 00:29:32.559
tool that I developed for exploring new things

00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:35.279
sexually. It's an acronym. I like a lot of acronyms.

00:29:35.700 --> 00:29:39.380
If you have this acronym down for a partner of

00:29:39.380 --> 00:29:43.819
yours, it greatly alleviates some of the pre

00:29:43.819 --> 00:29:46.599
-communication that would be necessary. There

00:29:46.599 --> 00:29:48.599
is, I think, an important healthy amount of that,

00:29:48.640 --> 00:29:51.140
but it just can limit that. So the acronym is

00:29:51.140 --> 00:29:58.839
SWATB, S -W -A -T -B. So the S stands for safe

00:29:58.839 --> 00:30:03.000
word. And a safe word is something that stops

00:30:03.000 --> 00:30:08.079
and something that slows down the type of interaction

00:30:08.079 --> 00:30:10.380
that you're having with someone. Now, someone,

00:30:10.480 --> 00:30:11.799
you know, people are like, what if I just say

00:30:11.799 --> 00:30:14.779
stop or slow down? Like, obviously you can do

00:30:14.779 --> 00:30:19.259
that. But those are very abrupt, energetic words.

00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:21.400
It's going to stop. You're going to stop. You're

00:30:21.400 --> 00:30:23.079
like, holy shit, I fucked up. What did I do?

00:30:23.119 --> 00:30:24.740
Oh my God, are you okay? Blah, blah, blah, blah,

00:30:24.740 --> 00:30:28.559
blah. And so sometimes if you can co -create

00:30:28.559 --> 00:30:31.259
something with your partner, it's a far gentler

00:30:31.259 --> 00:30:33.880
way of stopping or slowing down the play that

00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:36.299
you're engaged in. Now, some of the keys with

00:30:36.299 --> 00:30:38.460
developing safe words is number one, you want

00:30:38.460 --> 00:30:41.339
to ensure that these are not words that you're

00:30:41.339 --> 00:30:44.400
going to say inside of the sexual realm. Spontaneously,

00:30:44.599 --> 00:30:51.079
yeah. So mine are taxi for stop and ham hocks

00:30:51.079 --> 00:30:55.640
for slow down. And you can be as fun with it

00:30:55.640 --> 00:30:57.759
as you possibly want. I mean, the real easy ones

00:30:57.759 --> 00:31:01.579
are like red for stop or orange and yellow for

00:31:01.579 --> 00:31:04.559
slow down. Red, yellow, green. Yeah, but you

00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.359
can have lots of stuff. If you're a Pokemon fan,

00:31:07.579 --> 00:31:09.619
use some Pokemon characters. Like, I don't care

00:31:09.619 --> 00:31:11.480
what you do, but it's just not something that

00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:14.269
you'd use in a sexual space. So one for slow

00:31:14.269 --> 00:31:18.849
down and one for stop. The other one is we touch

00:31:18.849 --> 00:31:21.890
a little bit about this, but W is for well -being.

00:31:21.930 --> 00:31:24.549
How are you feeling today? Like, what do you

00:31:24.549 --> 00:31:26.450
actually need? This is all about sex meeting

00:31:26.450 --> 00:31:29.450
you where you're at rather than all we've been

00:31:29.450 --> 00:31:32.410
talking about. We're going to try anal next week

00:31:32.410 --> 00:31:34.750
and you're all jazzed up about it. And then your

00:31:34.750 --> 00:31:37.589
tummy's not feeling so well. And you're like,

00:31:37.710 --> 00:31:40.150
oh, shit, how do I how do I talk about this?

00:31:40.369 --> 00:31:43.079
Literally and figuratively. Right. So being a

00:31:43.079 --> 00:31:45.119
check in, like, how are you doing? You may have

00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:47.059
pulled a muscle at the gym. Yeah. Burnt yourself,

00:31:47.259 --> 00:31:49.240
curling your hair, cooking eggs, whatever it

00:31:49.240 --> 00:31:51.660
is. But like, where are you at physically and

00:31:51.660 --> 00:31:54.559
where are you at emotionally? I don't know about

00:31:54.559 --> 00:31:57.359
you guys, but life sometimes hits you hard. You

00:31:57.359 --> 00:31:59.779
get a two by four in the face. Something's going

00:31:59.779 --> 00:32:02.519
on. The dog took a dump in the living room. Your

00:32:02.519 --> 00:32:04.599
boss yelled at you. You got in a fight with your

00:32:04.599 --> 00:32:08.079
mom, whatever. You may not be feeling your most

00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:12.289
sexually charged self. Quit checking with your

00:32:12.289 --> 00:32:13.890
partner. You just got fired at work and now you

00:32:13.890 --> 00:32:15.630
have to come home and be all dominant. And it's

00:32:15.630 --> 00:32:17.150
like, I'm not feeling super dominant. I'm feeling

00:32:17.150 --> 00:32:21.309
a bit crushed. Can we just cuddle? Yeah, 100%.

00:32:21.309 --> 00:32:24.710
Yeah, quit checking on that one is great. The

00:32:24.710 --> 00:32:29.589
A for the SWOT B is aftercare. So when you're

00:32:29.589 --> 00:32:32.869
exploring something new, you don't know what

00:32:32.869 --> 00:32:34.970
that's going to bring up. You don't know what

00:32:34.970 --> 00:32:38.079
that's going to bring out. And so and especially

00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:40.460
if there is a power dynamic that you're explaining

00:32:40.460 --> 00:32:43.400
where one person is dominant or submissive or,

00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:45.380
you know, I like to talk about is the erotic

00:32:45.380 --> 00:32:50.380
leader or the erotic follower is what is necessary

00:32:50.380 --> 00:32:54.200
to like bring things back into equilibrium. And

00:32:54.200 --> 00:32:57.019
that's a lot of depending on the type of play

00:32:57.019 --> 00:32:59.940
could be for a very long period of time could

00:32:59.940 --> 00:33:01.940
be longer than the actual sexual interaction

00:33:01.940 --> 00:33:04.440
can be. But that's really and that's something

00:33:04.440 --> 00:33:05.920
that's co -created with you and your partner.

00:33:06.380 --> 00:33:11.720
And it can include like cuddling, caresses, like

00:33:11.720 --> 00:33:16.740
soft kisses, like washing each other, bathing

00:33:16.740 --> 00:33:21.480
each other, eating, like holding hands, like

00:33:21.480 --> 00:33:25.140
checking in, like some of those things are important.

00:33:25.660 --> 00:33:28.779
You know, the number of, and this happens with

00:33:28.779 --> 00:33:31.119
a number, a greater number of female clients

00:33:31.119 --> 00:33:34.640
that I have is like. You go somewhere with someone

00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:37.519
sexually that's new or it's a new partner or

00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:39.240
you're trying something new. There's some there's

00:33:39.240 --> 00:33:41.980
newness around the relationship. And then they're

00:33:41.980 --> 00:33:43.640
like, OK, thanks. See you later. I got to go.

00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:47.140
Bye. Or I got to go, you know, and you're just

00:33:47.140 --> 00:33:49.160
kind of like, oh, you know, and you're trying

00:33:49.160 --> 00:33:53.279
to grapple with this this this new kind of realm

00:33:53.279 --> 00:33:56.839
that you're playing in. So aftercare is is very,

00:33:56.940 --> 00:34:03.710
very important. The T is triggers. Now, a trigger

00:34:03.710 --> 00:34:06.609
can be anything that takes you out of a sexual

00:34:06.609 --> 00:34:09.949
headspace. Anything. It could be touched a particular

00:34:09.949 --> 00:34:12.989
way. It could be someone calling you a particular

00:34:12.989 --> 00:34:15.809
name. It could be anything that takes you out

00:34:15.809 --> 00:34:17.389
of a sexual headspace. You want to talk about

00:34:17.389 --> 00:34:19.789
that stuff because you want to be able to create

00:34:19.789 --> 00:34:23.949
this really beautiful, safe place to play and

00:34:23.949 --> 00:34:27.170
explore sexually together. And then B is boundaries.

00:34:27.449 --> 00:34:29.170
And there's two types of boundaries. There's

00:34:29.170 --> 00:34:31.250
hard boundaries, which is like a hell to the

00:34:31.250 --> 00:34:34.159
no. That's never happening. And then there are

00:34:34.159 --> 00:34:36.500
soft boundaries and a soft boundary could be

00:34:36.500 --> 00:34:39.780
like, oh, OK, well, this is something that I'm

00:34:39.780 --> 00:34:43.519
open to exploring under these particular circumstances.

00:34:44.119 --> 00:34:47.260
When we're on vacation for New Year's, when it's

00:34:47.260 --> 00:34:50.380
my birthday, when I have short hair or long hair,

00:34:50.460 --> 00:34:53.900
whatever it is. And the only time that those

00:34:53.900 --> 00:34:57.179
soft boundaries are explored is after communicating

00:34:57.179 --> 00:34:59.360
about them. Right. Right. It's not an assumption

00:34:59.360 --> 00:35:03.420
that like. On Chris's birthday, you know, we're

00:35:03.420 --> 00:35:07.920
going to dip him in honey, and he likes bee stimulation,

00:35:08.139 --> 00:35:10.460
so we're going to explore that, right? These

00:35:10.460 --> 00:35:12.719
soft boundaries are something to discuss, and

00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:14.500
then we can, you know, move forward when both

00:35:14.500 --> 00:35:17.840
parties or all parties are involved. I like that,

00:35:17.920 --> 00:35:22.860
SWAT bee. Do you notice, broadly speaking, differences

00:35:22.860 --> 00:35:26.099
between the challenges that men have versus women

00:35:26.099 --> 00:35:29.300
when it comes to communication around sex? And

00:35:29.300 --> 00:35:31.300
we've gone very binary with men and women here.

00:35:31.380 --> 00:35:33.480
So you might want to broaden the spectrum for

00:35:33.480 --> 00:35:36.559
us. I don't know. When I work with people and

00:35:36.559 --> 00:35:41.960
I invite people to think about their partner

00:35:41.960 --> 00:35:48.480
as a specific, unique human being and get curious

00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:52.159
about that. Sometimes people read studies, books,

00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:56.699
articles that say men like whatever, X blank.

00:35:57.159 --> 00:35:59.699
And then they try and do that to their partner.

00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:02.039
And the partner's like, what the hell? I don't

00:36:02.039 --> 00:36:03.440
like that. Don't do that. And I was like, well,

00:36:03.519 --> 00:36:06.360
there's something wrong with you because this

00:36:06.360 --> 00:36:08.239
is what the study said or this is what the book

00:36:08.239 --> 00:36:11.840
said. Or maybe they bring it up in conversation

00:36:11.840 --> 00:36:14.280
and he's like, oh, no, thank you. That's not

00:36:14.280 --> 00:36:16.300
my thing. And they're like, well, then there's

00:36:16.300 --> 00:36:18.480
something wrong with you because there's this

00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:22.639
study that says this. Right, right. So I'm always

00:36:22.639 --> 00:36:28.590
inviting people to let go. of any kind of preconceived

00:36:28.590 --> 00:36:31.110
notion about how they think their partner should

00:36:31.110 --> 00:36:36.090
be because of their gender identity and get curious

00:36:36.090 --> 00:36:39.889
about that person. Right. Right. I remember as

00:36:39.889 --> 00:36:42.250
a kid, you know, you're going through the groceries

00:36:42.250 --> 00:36:45.269
to check out and there's like the magazines on

00:36:45.269 --> 00:36:47.730
each side and it's like, how to blow his mind

00:36:47.730 --> 00:36:51.110
in eight easy steps and how to make her orgasm

00:36:51.110 --> 00:36:53.510
again and again and again. And I was like, how

00:36:53.510 --> 00:36:57.489
do you know? how to make my partner orgasm again

00:36:57.489 --> 00:36:59.289
and again and again. Have you had sex with her?

00:36:59.409 --> 00:37:02.570
Because if you had, then you have the ethical

00:37:02.570 --> 00:37:06.349
and journalistic right to write that article.

00:37:06.530 --> 00:37:10.130
But other than that, it's not. And what a lot

00:37:10.130 --> 00:37:14.389
of people do is they push buttons to sell of

00:37:14.389 --> 00:37:17.150
your sexual inadequacy. Oh, I need to read this

00:37:17.150 --> 00:37:19.230
or I need to get better at this or I need to

00:37:19.230 --> 00:37:21.130
get this. Now, that's not to say you shouldn't

00:37:21.130 --> 00:37:24.449
educate yourself, but I am always a firm believer.

00:37:25.019 --> 00:37:29.340
in people getting really curious about the individual

00:37:29.340 --> 00:37:33.800
or individuals that they're looking to have sex

00:37:33.800 --> 00:37:36.280
with. Now, having said that, on a broader scale,

00:37:36.460 --> 00:37:40.659
if I look at things, is women have been given

00:37:40.659 --> 00:37:47.699
more permission in society to be emotional, and

00:37:47.699 --> 00:37:51.380
men have been given more permission to be sexual.

00:37:53.469 --> 00:37:56.650
And those those things in different circles are

00:37:56.650 --> 00:37:59.969
changing. And men are becoming more empowered

00:37:59.969 --> 00:38:02.750
to talk about their emotions, to deal with them

00:38:02.750 --> 00:38:07.889
in healthier ways. And women are, you know, stepping

00:38:07.889 --> 00:38:10.369
up into their sexual empowerment and owning that

00:38:10.369 --> 00:38:13.570
and talking about that in healthy ways. So I

00:38:13.570 --> 00:38:18.309
think there's a balance to be held between educating

00:38:18.309 --> 00:38:21.349
yourself and learning. and then getting really

00:38:21.349 --> 00:38:24.449
curious about the people or the person that you're

00:38:24.449 --> 00:38:26.449
going to be naked with. Does that make sense?

00:38:26.610 --> 00:38:31.510
It does. It does. The work that you do with individuals

00:38:31.510 --> 00:38:34.610
in that space has been a large part of your career.

00:38:34.710 --> 00:38:37.510
I know that you're starting to make a bit of

00:38:37.510 --> 00:38:40.570
a shift in terms of the kinds of work that you're

00:38:40.570 --> 00:38:44.090
doing and you're moving more into leadership

00:38:44.090 --> 00:38:47.889
work and corporate spaces and working with teams.

00:38:48.440 --> 00:38:51.780
And so I'm really curious as to how those two

00:38:51.780 --> 00:38:56.260
worlds sort of fit together or overlap. Yeah.

00:38:56.280 --> 00:39:00.400
So I think people get very caught up in the sex

00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:03.920
piece of, you know, sexology or sex therapist.

00:39:04.679 --> 00:39:10.840
90 % of the work that I do is not about sex.

00:39:11.079 --> 00:39:15.800
It's not about the positions. It's not about

00:39:15.800 --> 00:39:20.050
your body. It's about how you connect and communicate

00:39:20.050 --> 00:39:23.010
with yourself and how that translates to you

00:39:23.010 --> 00:39:25.750
connecting and communicating with other people.

00:39:26.230 --> 00:39:28.969
And some of the expansion work that I've done

00:39:28.969 --> 00:39:31.969
over the last two years is, you know, I've been

00:39:31.969 --> 00:39:35.010
part of different research studies. So one specifically

00:39:35.010 --> 00:39:37.610
around Canadian female veterans experiencing

00:39:37.610 --> 00:39:40.170
homelessness. And, you know, some people said,

00:39:40.230 --> 00:39:42.050
well, Stephen, how like you're a sexologist.

00:39:42.110 --> 00:39:45.039
Why? Why are you now part of this study? And

00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:46.980
one of the things that a couple of things is

00:39:46.980 --> 00:39:48.860
one, I work with this population, the homeless

00:39:48.860 --> 00:39:51.000
population when I grew up in Vancouver, British

00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:53.699
Columbia on the downtown east side. So I have

00:39:53.699 --> 00:39:57.099
a level of familiarity with that. But two, one

00:39:57.099 --> 00:39:59.420
of my skills is to be able to communicate and

00:39:59.420 --> 00:40:01.480
relate to people regardless of their socioeconomic

00:40:01.480 --> 00:40:04.559
standing. So I talk to CEOs. I got CEOs that

00:40:04.559 --> 00:40:08.320
are, you know, my clients. And then I can talk

00:40:08.320 --> 00:40:09.920
to people who are experiencing homelessness.

00:40:10.780 --> 00:40:15.000
Aside from that. a lot of this population has

00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:17.260
had some level of sexual interference in their

00:40:17.260 --> 00:40:18.579
life. And again, that's something that I have

00:40:18.579 --> 00:40:21.940
a lot of experience with as well. And then from

00:40:21.940 --> 00:40:24.760
there, trampolined into another research study

00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:27.719
around the future of dementia care in Canada.

00:40:27.880 --> 00:40:30.659
So I facilitate conversations with professional

00:40:30.659 --> 00:40:32.980
caregivers, family caregivers, and people with

00:40:32.980 --> 00:40:35.880
dementia about their lived experience and what

00:40:35.880 --> 00:40:37.659
they need and the resources that are available.

00:40:38.039 --> 00:40:40.579
So when I started stepping back and looking at

00:40:40.880 --> 00:40:45.699
The entirety of what I've been doing and what

00:40:45.699 --> 00:40:48.239
I'm good at and what I support and facilitate

00:40:48.239 --> 00:40:51.800
other people to develop skills and confidence

00:40:51.800 --> 00:40:55.099
and mastery in is about communication and is

00:40:55.099 --> 00:40:58.199
about connecting with other people. So then when

00:40:58.199 --> 00:41:02.039
I think about my corporate experience and that

00:41:02.039 --> 00:41:05.619
there is, I think, such a need to be able to

00:41:05.619 --> 00:41:09.639
connect. And to be able to challenge some of

00:41:09.639 --> 00:41:13.360
the norms, challenge some of the conversations

00:41:13.360 --> 00:41:15.440
that we have with ourselves and challenge some

00:41:15.440 --> 00:41:20.360
of the prejudice, the stigma or the blocks that

00:41:20.360 --> 00:41:24.320
we have about some people that we work with or

00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:27.719
some other teams that we work with or, you know,

00:41:27.719 --> 00:41:31.139
getting into what it looks like to blame versus

00:41:31.139 --> 00:41:34.019
take radical responsibility for what we're doing.

00:41:34.780 --> 00:41:38.019
That really started opening things up for me

00:41:38.019 --> 00:41:41.760
and looking at some of the models that I've developed

00:41:41.760 --> 00:41:46.820
and work with and then mapping them over in a

00:41:46.820 --> 00:41:49.579
business and a professional setting. How does

00:41:49.579 --> 00:41:51.599
that work? And so it provides me with a really

00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:55.760
unique kind of lens that I come at things with.

00:41:56.329 --> 00:41:58.889
that people are receptive to. And it's kind of

00:41:58.889 --> 00:42:00.389
interesting. There's, you know, people bring

00:42:00.389 --> 00:42:03.269
speakers and keynoters in and then to have someone

00:42:03.269 --> 00:42:05.750
who's a sexologist, that gets a lot of ears perked

00:42:05.750 --> 00:42:08.650
up and eyeballs wanting to be on that. And really

00:42:08.650 --> 00:42:15.610
looking at how do we lead human? And I've done

00:42:15.610 --> 00:42:20.469
the work and teased out that idea of, so how

00:42:20.469 --> 00:42:23.730
do we lead ourselves as human first? And then

00:42:23.730 --> 00:42:27.119
how do we connect with somebody else? and lead

00:42:27.119 --> 00:42:33.219
them as humans, not as a position, not as somebody

00:42:33.219 --> 00:42:35.719
who plays a role, not somebody who's on a team,

00:42:35.800 --> 00:42:38.619
but how do we build some of that human -to -human

00:42:38.619 --> 00:42:42.559
connection with somebody else that then you're

00:42:42.559 --> 00:42:45.099
able to build that trust, you're able to build

00:42:45.099 --> 00:42:47.699
that momentum, you're able to have that buy -in

00:42:47.699 --> 00:42:50.000
and that motivation and that inspiration and

00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:53.230
that desire to want to. work together to want

00:42:53.230 --> 00:42:55.769
to build those teams to want to be open to listen

00:42:55.769 --> 00:42:58.150
to be able to communicate in ways that people

00:42:58.150 --> 00:43:01.489
haven't before so that's how i'm bridging that

00:43:01.489 --> 00:43:04.289
divide and and it's been it's been quite fun

00:43:04.289 --> 00:43:06.730
to do that so that's kind of where life finds

00:43:06.730 --> 00:43:09.710
me at this point what sort of takeaways do you

00:43:09.710 --> 00:43:14.030
see uh teams uh having like what kind of breakthroughs

00:43:14.030 --> 00:43:16.269
are they having that you're witnessing yeah i

00:43:16.269 --> 00:43:20.869
i think it's an opportunity to for people to

00:43:22.059 --> 00:43:25.679
first and foremost to be kind to themselves and

00:43:25.679 --> 00:43:28.340
kind of what i started off before is like how

00:43:28.340 --> 00:43:32.360
do i normalize the the human experience experience

00:43:32.360 --> 00:43:34.460
of this person who's in front of me right now

00:43:34.460 --> 00:43:37.940
so there's a lot of people that are in the corporate

00:43:37.940 --> 00:43:41.320
world that think they have to be a particular

00:43:41.320 --> 00:43:46.190
way or because their predecessor is or And sometimes

00:43:46.190 --> 00:43:47.869
they feel really good about it and sometimes

00:43:47.869 --> 00:43:50.110
they don't feel really good about it. So normalizing

00:43:50.110 --> 00:43:52.570
like, hey, you've been put in this situation.

00:43:52.829 --> 00:43:55.130
It is normal to feel this way. It is healthy

00:43:55.130 --> 00:43:58.530
to feel this way. And so I think that's the first

00:43:58.530 --> 00:44:01.869
part. I think the second part is giving people

00:44:01.869 --> 00:44:05.550
an opportunity to realize what is being satisfied

00:44:05.550 --> 00:44:11.130
for them by being in this position other than

00:44:11.130 --> 00:44:14.500
the finances. other than money like what what

00:44:14.500 --> 00:44:17.280
is it that's underneath and this is the fun part

00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:18.860
and this is like the therapist part of me that

00:44:18.860 --> 00:44:22.500
comes out is what is that grounded in why did

00:44:22.500 --> 00:44:24.340
life lead you into a place where you are right

00:44:24.340 --> 00:44:28.880
now and what does this job actually satisfy for

00:44:28.880 --> 00:44:33.500
you as a leader and then the other part is like

00:44:33.500 --> 00:44:36.260
lead human is like like what are you struggling

00:44:36.260 --> 00:44:39.940
with right now yeah what's really going on for

00:44:39.940 --> 00:44:43.510
you because you know we get up and put on our

00:44:43.510 --> 00:44:48.889
suits of armor and go into the workplace and

00:44:48.889 --> 00:44:50.789
are like, okay, the show must go on. I got this

00:44:50.789 --> 00:44:53.429
deliverable. I got these KPIs to hit. I got to

00:44:53.429 --> 00:44:56.150
have my team produce this. I got to like deal

00:44:56.150 --> 00:44:58.869
with this crisis at this site, whatever it is

00:44:58.869 --> 00:45:02.909
that you're doing. And sometimes we can get lost

00:45:02.909 --> 00:45:06.889
in who we think we're supposed to be and who

00:45:06.889 --> 00:45:09.969
we think other people are supposed to be. So

00:45:09.969 --> 00:45:12.550
getting people grounded in that allows them to

00:45:12.550 --> 00:45:14.510
like walk away with some number one compassion

00:45:14.510 --> 00:45:17.349
for themselves and number two, some space for

00:45:17.349 --> 00:45:20.210
other people. And, you know, I always leave people

00:45:20.210 --> 00:45:24.429
with techniques and tools to actually how to

00:45:24.429 --> 00:45:28.050
implement that that day, you know, that can start

00:45:28.050 --> 00:45:30.849
shifting things. And so with that, you know,

00:45:30.869 --> 00:45:33.690
teams are coming together. There's more cohesion.

00:45:33.730 --> 00:45:36.409
There's more work satisfaction. The KPIs are

00:45:36.409 --> 00:45:39.809
safety, authenticity. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful.

00:45:39.929 --> 00:45:42.809
Yeah. As you were talking, I was just kind of

00:45:42.809 --> 00:45:45.630
in my own mind mapping, talking about the sexual

00:45:45.630 --> 00:45:47.510
domain, but then in the professional domain as

00:45:47.510 --> 00:45:50.789
well. And there seems to me to be this theme

00:45:50.789 --> 00:45:54.090
of, first of all, self -knowledge, getting in

00:45:54.090 --> 00:45:56.309
touch with like, who am I? What do I really want?

00:45:56.969 --> 00:46:01.809
What's like the authentic me, not just the part

00:46:01.809 --> 00:46:04.090
that I'm playing or the act I'm putting on in

00:46:04.090 --> 00:46:05.550
one setting or another, whether it's a bedroom

00:46:05.550 --> 00:46:08.789
or a boardroom. And then getting really comfortable

00:46:08.789 --> 00:46:12.489
in your own skin with all of it and being able

00:46:12.489 --> 00:46:18.289
to show up more fully and wholly and really who

00:46:18.289 --> 00:46:22.030
you are and giving other people space to do the

00:46:22.030 --> 00:46:23.949
same. And then it becomes a bit of a dance. It's

00:46:23.949 --> 00:46:26.570
like, who am I as a human being on this human

00:46:26.570 --> 00:46:29.329
journey in whatever setting, whether it's a sexual

00:46:29.329 --> 00:46:31.349
setting or a professional one or anything in

00:46:31.349 --> 00:46:36.780
between. And just kind of tapping into. Being

00:46:36.780 --> 00:46:38.860
yourself in the world in a way that's normalized

00:46:38.860 --> 00:46:41.340
and validated and giving other people space to

00:46:41.340 --> 00:46:44.039
also find and be and express themselves in your

00:46:44.039 --> 00:46:48.599
presence. Yeah, I think that's some of the fundamental

00:46:48.599 --> 00:46:53.619
work and smart companies are starting to realize

00:46:53.619 --> 00:46:55.619
that. Smart companies are starting to realize

00:46:55.619 --> 00:47:00.760
if I can provide my employees an opportunity

00:47:00.760 --> 00:47:04.960
to feel better about themselves, period. Be that

00:47:04.960 --> 00:47:10.139
at home. obviously at the workplace. But when

00:47:10.139 --> 00:47:13.059
there is that allowance for that humanity to

00:47:13.059 --> 00:47:17.199
show up, the issues that some companies face

00:47:17.199 --> 00:47:20.179
with employee engagement, satisfaction, results,

00:47:20.440 --> 00:47:23.059
all that other kind of stuff, that stuff starts

00:47:23.059 --> 00:47:26.400
to solve itself. And so that's really where the

00:47:26.400 --> 00:47:29.679
cutting edge of human connection and human behavior,

00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:35.219
what's really there? And there can be. Some companies,

00:47:35.300 --> 00:47:38.199
they're like, well, we have our corporate policies

00:47:38.199 --> 00:47:42.179
and our protocols and HR says X, Y, Z, A, B,

00:47:42.199 --> 00:47:46.500
C. So it's also working with their team. I always

00:47:46.500 --> 00:47:50.860
work with their teams in order to have it work

00:47:50.860 --> 00:47:53.619
for their company. But sometimes it's about breaking

00:47:53.619 --> 00:47:57.980
some norms and those breaking through is like

00:47:57.980 --> 00:48:02.719
what makes the unknown known, for lack of a better

00:48:02.719 --> 00:48:06.170
word. And so how do we have conversations at

00:48:06.170 --> 00:48:08.789
first that start playing with some of those boundaries

00:48:08.789 --> 00:48:11.750
and see what's on the other side of it? And then,

00:48:11.750 --> 00:48:14.150
hey, if that's the case, then, you know, some

00:48:14.150 --> 00:48:16.449
of the consulting work that, you know, I can

00:48:16.449 --> 00:48:18.489
go in and do with actually the implementation

00:48:18.489 --> 00:48:21.230
of and some of the coaching work as well is what

00:48:21.230 --> 00:48:23.250
I'm really kind of like lit up and excited about.

00:48:23.349 --> 00:48:25.829
And I still have, you know, my private practice

00:48:25.829 --> 00:48:28.170
where I work, you know, on the on the sex side

00:48:28.170 --> 00:48:31.309
of things as well. Right. Anything you can do

00:48:31.309 --> 00:48:36.179
to. get people more comfortable with and more

00:48:36.179 --> 00:48:38.360
empowered around just telling the truth to each

00:48:38.360 --> 00:48:40.880
other is going to be such a force multiplier

00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:43.320
in any relationship whether it's personal sexual

00:48:43.320 --> 00:48:46.739
professional yeah familial if you can just get

00:48:46.739 --> 00:48:49.219
people to a place where they can just speak the

00:48:49.219 --> 00:48:52.320
truth it speeds things up because in my experience

00:48:52.320 --> 00:48:55.719
the truth has this really pesky habit of being

00:48:55.719 --> 00:48:59.739
stubborn and unwavering and we can dance around

00:48:59.739 --> 00:49:02.300
it but The closer a relationship you can cultivate

00:49:02.300 --> 00:49:03.980
with reality, the better you're going to do.

00:49:04.119 --> 00:49:07.800
It's also just, it's easier to be in a space

00:49:07.800 --> 00:49:09.800
where you feel like you can be yourself and you

00:49:09.800 --> 00:49:11.539
don't have to, you don't have to do like Steven

00:49:11.539 --> 00:49:14.400
said, a performance. Yeah. It's such an accelerator.

00:49:14.719 --> 00:49:17.260
Yeah. If I were to say in my own experience that

00:49:17.260 --> 00:49:19.840
the number one thing that differentiates mediocre

00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:22.179
teams or even dysfunctional teams from really

00:49:22.179 --> 00:49:24.519
high performing teams is the degree to which

00:49:24.519 --> 00:49:26.739
they just tell the truth to each other and roll

00:49:26.739 --> 00:49:29.630
with it. It just, that's the, that's the. the

00:49:29.630 --> 00:49:31.849
turbocharged secret sauce. It takes a lot of

00:49:31.849 --> 00:49:34.130
work to be inauthentic. It's a lot easier to

00:49:34.130 --> 00:49:36.230
be authentic. Well, and it just, you can't have

00:49:36.230 --> 00:49:37.829
honest conversations and you've got to dance

00:49:37.829 --> 00:49:40.710
around and sugarcoat things and all of that just

00:49:40.710 --> 00:49:43.469
obscures reality. And if you're trying to make

00:49:43.469 --> 00:49:46.150
decisions in the real world, you want to be able

00:49:46.150 --> 00:49:48.570
to talk about it as it is. Like the better your

00:49:48.570 --> 00:49:51.510
mental model for reality, the better the decisions

00:49:51.510 --> 00:49:55.869
you can make. Yeah. What I love doing is exploring

00:49:55.869 --> 00:49:59.840
the silent friction that exists. between people.

00:50:00.099 --> 00:50:02.679
Can you define what you mean by, yeah, what do

00:50:02.679 --> 00:50:04.539
you mean by silent friction and where does that

00:50:04.539 --> 00:50:07.699
show up? So there's often things like when I'm,

00:50:07.699 --> 00:50:11.559
when I'm working with, uh, individuals that they

00:50:11.559 --> 00:50:14.480
won't say, right. So that's the silent piece

00:50:14.480 --> 00:50:17.480
of it, but it's, it's, it kind of lingers in

00:50:17.480 --> 00:50:20.719
the unsaid. So it's something that I've been

00:50:20.719 --> 00:50:24.460
trained in to be able to, um, speak to that,

00:50:24.519 --> 00:50:26.760
to see it, to kind of pull it out of the unsaid

00:50:26.760 --> 00:50:30.159
and into the set of like, What's like, what's

00:50:30.159 --> 00:50:32.559
really going on? Like what's happening? Like

00:50:32.559 --> 00:50:34.599
I'm noticing when you're interacting with this

00:50:34.599 --> 00:50:37.019
person or I'm noticing when you're speaking in

00:50:37.019 --> 00:50:39.800
front of this group, this is the kind of sense

00:50:39.800 --> 00:50:42.340
or the kind of vibe that I'm getting that you

00:50:42.340 --> 00:50:45.139
don't like them or you're not comfortable. Can

00:50:45.139 --> 00:50:47.619
you say more about that? Am I right? Like, am

00:50:47.619 --> 00:50:49.739
I totally off base? But really like checking

00:50:49.739 --> 00:50:52.139
in to like what's going on? Because there's a

00:50:52.139 --> 00:50:55.519
lot of people that are like, F that person or

00:50:55.519 --> 00:50:58.400
F that group. I don't like that. I don't want

00:50:58.400 --> 00:51:00.179
to work with them. That person's a jerk. That

00:51:00.179 --> 00:51:03.280
person's whatever. And then it just gets messy.

00:51:03.679 --> 00:51:08.619
And it gets in the way of what the organization

00:51:08.619 --> 00:51:13.400
is meant to do and can stall things out. And

00:51:13.400 --> 00:51:15.800
then from there, it builds resentment. Naming

00:51:15.800 --> 00:51:17.840
elephants, right? Naming the elephants in the

00:51:17.840 --> 00:51:20.460
room and then talking about it. And it builds

00:51:20.460 --> 00:51:22.619
up more evidence and more resentment. And it

00:51:22.619 --> 00:51:26.280
just keeps going sideways. So it's looking at

00:51:26.280 --> 00:51:29.980
what are those silent frictions that are slowly

00:51:29.980 --> 00:51:33.480
draining the lifeblood out of this team or out

00:51:33.480 --> 00:51:36.079
of this organization? And how do we address them

00:51:36.079 --> 00:51:39.599
in a safe place, in an honest place, and be able

00:51:39.599 --> 00:51:43.599
to name it and then heal from it and then be

00:51:43.599 --> 00:51:48.199
able to build from that place? Which is not unlike

00:51:48.199 --> 00:51:51.219
relationship therapy. Yeah. Right? Couples therapy.

00:51:51.380 --> 00:51:53.699
It's the same sorts of things. What are the...

00:51:54.030 --> 00:51:57.929
What is all the screechingly loud nonverbal communication

00:51:57.929 --> 00:52:00.429
that's happening in the room here? And can we

00:52:00.429 --> 00:52:02.309
make it verbal so we can actually deal with it?

00:52:02.610 --> 00:52:09.969
It's a fun. For me, I am all about fun and exploring

00:52:09.969 --> 00:52:12.849
things and making things more fun and enjoyable

00:52:12.849 --> 00:52:16.030
for people. And I've spent a great deal of my

00:52:16.030 --> 00:52:18.110
life supporting people and continue to support

00:52:18.110 --> 00:52:20.929
people in their bedrooms. And now it's like.

00:52:21.280 --> 00:52:25.480
How do people have more fun and enjoy time at

00:52:25.480 --> 00:52:27.960
work or in the boardrooms? That's the fun kind

00:52:27.960 --> 00:52:31.059
of place to unlock and look at those parallels

00:52:31.059 --> 00:52:33.559
and to that human connection. Yeah, amen to that.

00:52:33.619 --> 00:52:35.559
That's something I always made a point of bringing

00:52:35.559 --> 00:52:38.760
to the workplace was a sense of playfulness and

00:52:38.760 --> 00:52:44.099
banter and make it fun. Work is work and you're

00:52:44.099 --> 00:52:47.559
going to spend such a significant chunk of your

00:52:47.559 --> 00:52:50.780
waking hours. for most of your life doing it

00:52:50.780 --> 00:52:53.260
like why why can't it be fun too it has to be

00:52:53.260 --> 00:52:55.039
playful you have to be able to laugh and joke

00:52:55.039 --> 00:52:59.500
and uh it just it builds rapport and it it can

00:52:59.500 --> 00:53:01.480
combat stress and it can get you through the

00:53:01.480 --> 00:53:05.619
rough times and it's super important yeah yeah

00:53:05.619 --> 00:53:09.940
absolutely so we usually try where it's applicable

00:53:09.940 --> 00:53:12.559
to leave our audience with a couple of things

00:53:12.559 --> 00:53:14.420
they can take away that are kind of practical

00:53:14.420 --> 00:53:17.460
and one of them would be like what's a mindset

00:53:18.320 --> 00:53:20.960
or a mindset shift or a reframe that's really

00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:23.840
powerful that people can contemplate and adapt

00:53:23.840 --> 00:53:26.199
and try on in their own lives that would be useful?

00:53:27.000 --> 00:53:30.119
And then the other one is, is there a practical

00:53:30.119 --> 00:53:34.320
tool, technique, framework, exercise, something

00:53:34.320 --> 00:53:37.840
they can do? So there's a, one is in the realm

00:53:37.840 --> 00:53:39.579
of thinking and being and the other is maybe

00:53:39.579 --> 00:53:41.539
in the realm of doing. If you have any nuggets

00:53:41.539 --> 00:53:44.280
like that for our audience, we'd love to hear

00:53:44.280 --> 00:53:49.550
it. Yeah, I think if we look. at challenging

00:53:49.550 --> 00:53:56.710
what we think we know for certain and exploring

00:53:56.710 --> 00:53:58.989
what it would look like if you were coming to

00:53:58.989 --> 00:54:04.469
it just with an open mind and learning and asking

00:54:04.469 --> 00:54:07.809
yourself, what would it take for me to do that?

00:54:09.110 --> 00:54:11.150
So if there's something that's certain for you

00:54:11.150 --> 00:54:14.010
know about your job or your position, about your

00:54:14.010 --> 00:54:16.309
relationship, about your sex life, this is it.

00:54:16.570 --> 00:54:18.590
This is, I know this for a fact, this is it.

00:54:19.110 --> 00:54:21.750
Or about your partner. Or your partner, for sure.

00:54:22.050 --> 00:54:26.230
Yeah. And then being like, what if I just came

00:54:26.230 --> 00:54:30.389
from, I didn't know it, and I wanted to learn

00:54:30.389 --> 00:54:34.650
more about it. What are those immediate blocks

00:54:34.650 --> 00:54:37.329
that are like, no, you're right, you shouldn't

00:54:37.329 --> 00:54:38.789
do that. Like, what are those things that you

00:54:38.789 --> 00:54:41.670
need to let go of? And a lot of that could be

00:54:41.670 --> 00:54:47.719
ego. It could be status. It could be safety.

00:54:47.900 --> 00:54:50.659
It could be security. It could be like all these

00:54:50.659 --> 00:54:53.960
things. But I think when we can start pulling

00:54:53.960 --> 00:54:58.019
apart the things that we think we know for sure,

00:54:58.159 --> 00:55:02.559
it starts opening up far more possibilities than

00:55:02.559 --> 00:55:06.159
ever thought possible. Yeah. And this is something

00:55:06.159 --> 00:55:08.079
that I got to remind myself. Like I am still

00:55:08.079 --> 00:55:09.980
a student. And that's, again, that's bringing

00:55:09.980 --> 00:55:13.949
that like. new mind or learning mind or beginner's

00:55:13.949 --> 00:55:18.070
mind to things. Because if not, I can speak personally.

00:55:18.190 --> 00:55:20.449
If not, and I just go in and I think I know it,

00:55:20.449 --> 00:55:23.110
I am constantly humbled. Constantly humbled.

00:55:23.769 --> 00:55:26.889
So if I can get ahead of that, and I work with

00:55:26.889 --> 00:55:29.329
my clients and the organizations that I work

00:55:29.329 --> 00:55:31.789
with, if we can get ahead of that, what is then

00:55:31.789 --> 00:55:34.550
the possibility that we can explore? That's been

00:55:34.550 --> 00:55:36.469
a recurring theme in so many of the different

00:55:36.469 --> 00:55:40.480
episodes we've done on various topics. Curiosity

00:55:40.480 --> 00:55:44.739
is an absolute superpower. Especially if it's

00:55:44.739 --> 00:55:48.340
something you think you know. Can I stay curious

00:55:48.340 --> 00:55:51.260
a little bit longer or can I reintroduce curiosity

00:55:51.260 --> 00:55:56.079
here and replace a thing I take as a fundamental

00:55:56.079 --> 00:55:59.119
truth? Can I replace that with a question, like

00:55:59.119 --> 00:56:03.239
a genuine question, and maybe learn something

00:56:03.239 --> 00:56:05.760
about this person that I thought I had entirely

00:56:05.760 --> 00:56:09.360
figured out? Yeah. Right? Yeah. And then it opens

00:56:09.360 --> 00:56:11.079
up something new and magical. And it's like,

00:56:11.099 --> 00:56:14.420
oh, wow, okay, that's new. And then newness is,

00:56:14.500 --> 00:56:18.460
there's a magic in it and a spark. So I love

00:56:18.460 --> 00:56:21.860
that. I love the curiosity and the where can

00:56:21.860 --> 00:56:24.500
I relax some of my certainties. That's great.

00:56:24.559 --> 00:56:27.219
Thank you. That's great. And then as far as like

00:56:27.219 --> 00:56:29.679
a takeaway. So this one, if you've got something

00:56:29.679 --> 00:56:32.579
in the sexual domain, that'd be useful. Like

00:56:32.579 --> 00:56:35.559
if there's a couple or a single person and they

00:56:35.559 --> 00:56:41.119
want to. They want to practice getting better

00:56:41.119 --> 00:56:43.139
at communicating about sex in a way that feels

00:56:43.139 --> 00:56:46.119
normal and natural. And like, let's say, as you

00:56:46.119 --> 00:56:50.099
mentioned, there's a whole spectrum of ways we

00:56:50.099 --> 00:56:51.920
get weird about it and ways we make it weird.

00:56:52.039 --> 00:56:55.280
And so say someone wants to just start practicing

00:56:55.280 --> 00:56:58.280
being more comfortable talking about sex in a

00:56:58.280 --> 00:57:01.519
genuine, real kind of way. Is there a tool, a

00:57:01.519 --> 00:57:06.219
technique, a guidebook? Yeah, absolutely. So

00:57:06.219 --> 00:57:10.340
I shared the SWATB acronym. And then there's

00:57:10.340 --> 00:57:13.179
another acronym about communicating. And this

00:57:13.179 --> 00:57:18.300
can be used with your sexual partner, with anywhere

00:57:18.300 --> 00:57:20.079
that you want in your life. It could be professional

00:57:20.079 --> 00:57:22.179
as well. But it's a communication technique.

00:57:22.320 --> 00:57:25.099
And it's often people get stuck there like, Stephen,

00:57:25.159 --> 00:57:26.619
how do I start the conversation? I don't even

00:57:26.619 --> 00:57:28.179
know how to open up because they're going to

00:57:28.179 --> 00:57:31.199
get freaked out about it. So it's what I call

00:57:31.199 --> 00:57:35.539
the LITA technique. So L -I -T -A. So you're

00:57:35.539 --> 00:57:39.420
going to start the conversation by sharing what

00:57:39.420 --> 00:57:43.619
you like or love about the person or the relationship.

00:57:44.420 --> 00:57:46.400
Right? So if someone you just met, you're not

00:57:46.400 --> 00:57:48.539
going to be like, I love you so much. Right?

00:57:48.599 --> 00:57:50.760
But you can be like, hey, listen, I love the

00:57:50.760 --> 00:57:52.360
time we're spending together. I'm really liking

00:57:52.360 --> 00:57:57.360
getting to know you. Okay? The I is sharing what's

00:57:57.360 --> 00:58:01.139
important to you. Said another way, what you're

00:58:01.139 --> 00:58:04.260
committed to for the future. So you could say,

00:58:04.800 --> 00:58:08.500
You know, Chris, I really am liking the time

00:58:08.500 --> 00:58:10.340
we're spending together. And like, I just love

00:58:10.340 --> 00:58:12.420
in getting to know you. And one of the things

00:58:12.420 --> 00:58:15.239
that is really important to me is that we can

00:58:15.239 --> 00:58:19.239
communicate about our sex life or we can communicate

00:58:19.239 --> 00:58:22.659
about our professional relationship because I'm

00:58:22.659 --> 00:58:24.659
committed that we have a great relationship for

00:58:24.659 --> 00:58:27.579
the next foreseeable future. Right. It's like,

00:58:27.599 --> 00:58:29.460
what are you committed to for the future? So

00:58:29.460 --> 00:58:32.429
these first two. um part of sharing what you

00:58:32.429 --> 00:58:34.030
like or love sharing what's important or what

00:58:34.030 --> 00:58:36.550
you're committed to for the future set a safe

00:58:36.550 --> 00:58:38.889
context for that person to listen to you from

00:58:38.889 --> 00:58:41.289
right because sometimes we'll just come in and

00:58:41.289 --> 00:58:43.329
we'll just be like hey i want to spank you and

00:58:43.329 --> 00:58:47.909
they're like what right or like hey i want you

00:58:47.909 --> 00:58:50.409
to uh take on this new stretch project and you're

00:58:50.409 --> 00:58:52.530
like what like you don't know where things are

00:58:52.530 --> 00:58:54.889
coming from and you can get freaked out about

00:58:54.889 --> 00:58:58.429
it so saying these things set a safe couching

00:58:58.960 --> 00:59:01.079
or context for what you're going to share next.

00:59:02.239 --> 00:59:05.340
The T is the topic. What is the thing that you

00:59:05.340 --> 00:59:07.199
want to talk about? I want to talk about your

00:59:07.199 --> 00:59:09.920
performance review, or I want to talk about your

00:59:09.920 --> 00:59:13.619
future here, or I want to talk about... A threesome.

00:59:13.920 --> 00:59:17.360
A threesome, sure. Diversify, whatever it is.

00:59:17.960 --> 00:59:21.139
That's the topic. And then the A is actually

00:59:21.139 --> 00:59:23.340
A to the power of two because there's two parts.

00:59:24.199 --> 00:59:27.500
Do you want to ask... if they're open to having

00:59:27.500 --> 00:59:30.719
the conversation right now. Right. Because I

00:59:30.719 --> 00:59:32.079
don't know about you, but you know, when sometimes

00:59:32.079 --> 00:59:34.199
people come up to you and be like, hey, do you

00:59:34.199 --> 00:59:36.360
got some time to talk about this? You know, and

00:59:36.360 --> 00:59:38.400
they're like, no. And they keep talking over

00:59:38.400 --> 00:59:40.199
you. You kind of want to punch them in the throat.

00:59:40.559 --> 00:59:42.980
Right? Like the telemarketer move, right? Exactly.

00:59:43.639 --> 00:59:45.760
Yeah. Right? So you want to just check in and

00:59:45.760 --> 00:59:47.500
be like, are you open to having this conversation

00:59:47.500 --> 00:59:49.860
right now? And if they say no, it's totally fine.

00:59:49.940 --> 00:59:51.539
Don't freak out. Just say, great. When would

00:59:51.539 --> 00:59:54.679
be a good time? And if it's two hours or two

00:59:54.679 --> 00:59:57.440
days, great, you have that time. And then the

00:59:57.440 --> 01:00:01.179
second part of the ask is you say, great, because

01:00:01.179 --> 01:00:03.480
I'd really like to hear your thoughts and feedback

01:00:03.480 --> 01:00:07.159
on this. So you're now making this a co -created

01:00:07.159 --> 01:00:10.480
conversation rather than a one -way conversation

01:00:10.480 --> 01:00:13.280
of you just saying what you want to say. You

01:00:13.280 --> 01:00:17.599
want to set it safe. You want to invite their

01:00:17.599 --> 01:00:19.860
feedback and you want to talk about the topic

01:00:19.860 --> 01:00:21.679
that you want to come up. So the leader technique

01:00:21.679 --> 01:00:24.269
is something. That is very useful to get more

01:00:24.269 --> 01:00:27.150
yeses in your life and create that really safe

01:00:27.150 --> 01:00:28.570
environment for people to have conversations.

01:00:29.769 --> 01:00:32.889
I like that. I like that it's a really gentle,

01:00:33.269 --> 01:00:36.989
it's like a soft opening and you're entering

01:00:36.989 --> 01:00:38.769
into a conversation on a really positive note.

01:00:38.829 --> 01:00:41.269
You're setting a positive context and an intention.

01:00:41.590 --> 01:00:43.829
You're being clear on like, here's my intention.

01:00:44.130 --> 01:00:47.449
Here's what's important. Here's why I want to

01:00:47.449 --> 01:00:49.110
talk about this that's connected to something

01:00:49.110 --> 01:00:51.670
that I value and that you can probably relate

01:00:51.670 --> 01:00:54.210
to. I can speak personally on this. I have actually,

01:00:54.329 --> 01:00:57.989
I have used this Alita technique. Steven shared

01:00:57.989 --> 01:01:00.789
it with me in the past. And I have invited a

01:01:00.789 --> 01:01:03.829
conversation with a partner in the past. And

01:01:03.829 --> 01:01:07.789
it went really well because of all of those things,

01:01:07.829 --> 01:01:09.190
right? It was a co -created conversation. I thought

01:01:09.190 --> 01:01:11.650
you were going to be like, and it bombed. It

01:01:11.650 --> 01:01:13.489
totally blew up. No, it went really well. It's

01:01:13.489 --> 01:01:17.530
his fault. It went really well. And one of the

01:01:17.530 --> 01:01:20.190
most important things was asking, is this a good

01:01:20.190 --> 01:01:22.329
time? And the answer to that question was no.

01:01:22.690 --> 01:01:25.130
This is not a good time for me to talk about

01:01:25.130 --> 01:01:27.369
this. I need some time to think about it. I introduced

01:01:27.369 --> 01:01:30.090
the topic and then it was, no, I need some time

01:01:30.090 --> 01:01:31.849
to actually sit with this and think about how

01:01:31.849 --> 01:01:35.590
I feel about it. Can you get back to me in three

01:01:35.590 --> 01:01:38.449
days? And then, yeah, sure, okay. We'll set an

01:01:38.449 --> 01:01:40.469
intention to have a conversation three days from

01:01:40.469 --> 01:01:43.090
now. And the conversation went really well because

01:01:43.090 --> 01:01:46.889
the person didn't feel blindsided with that topic.

01:01:47.010 --> 01:01:50.219
And they felt like... It was, you know, a co

01:01:50.219 --> 01:01:53.039
-created conversation rather than me just talking

01:01:53.039 --> 01:01:55.260
at them and saying like, yeah, I got, I got a

01:01:55.260 --> 01:01:57.500
lot of problems with you, you know? Yeah. So

01:01:57.500 --> 01:02:01.019
yeah, that's great. I think we've covered a lot

01:02:01.019 --> 01:02:04.280
of, a lot of great material here. Is there anything,

01:02:04.539 --> 01:02:07.619
uh, Steven, that you feel called to touch on

01:02:07.619 --> 01:02:09.980
that we haven't covered? Is there any question

01:02:09.980 --> 01:02:14.260
you wish we had asked you? Yeah. Oh, is there

01:02:14.260 --> 01:02:16.360
any question that I wish you would have asked

01:02:16.360 --> 01:02:21.730
me? No, nothing, nothing sticks out in my mind.

01:02:21.769 --> 01:02:25.369
And I'm open to like listeners, if there were

01:02:25.369 --> 01:02:28.210
questions that they had, you know, I'd invite

01:02:28.210 --> 01:02:30.030
them, you know, feel free to reach out to me.

01:02:30.070 --> 01:02:33.510
I'm always up for answering questions and connecting

01:02:33.510 --> 01:02:35.610
with people and chatting. If something resonated

01:02:35.610 --> 01:02:37.670
with people or left a question in their mind,

01:02:37.969 --> 01:02:40.510
I'm happy to, you know, to jump in and answer

01:02:40.510 --> 01:02:43.250
some of those. Well, that's a perfect segue into

01:02:43.250 --> 01:02:44.829
the last question, which is where can people

01:02:44.829 --> 01:02:46.929
find you? Someone wants to reach out to book

01:02:46.929 --> 01:02:49.980
you as a coach. as a therapist, for a speaking

01:02:49.980 --> 01:02:53.619
engagement, for a corporate team building exercise?

01:02:54.119 --> 01:02:57.440
What are your coordinates? My website. So drdewitt

01:02:57.440 --> 01:03:01.539
.com. So D -R -D -E -W -I -T .com. Instagram

01:03:01.539 --> 01:03:05.960
at Dr. Dewitt. So again, D -R -D -E -W -I -T.

01:03:06.119 --> 01:03:09.300
And then, yeah, people can just reach out to

01:03:09.300 --> 01:03:11.300
me. You just, I mean, at that point, you just

01:03:11.300 --> 01:03:14.300
email me at Stephen, S -T -E -P -H -E -N. at

01:03:14.300 --> 01:03:17.400
drdewitt .com if they have any questions from

01:03:17.400 --> 01:03:20.960
there. I'm just switching websites, but my private

01:03:20.960 --> 01:03:24.900
practice website is sexlifeunleashed .com as

01:03:24.900 --> 01:03:27.860
well. People want to find more about that aspect

01:03:27.860 --> 01:03:30.820
of my work. Awesome. We will put all of those

01:03:30.820 --> 01:03:33.179
coordinates in the show notes so people can find

01:03:33.179 --> 01:03:35.320
them if they want to reach out to you. Thank

01:03:35.320 --> 01:03:37.039
you so much for joining us. Great conversation.

01:03:37.300 --> 01:03:39.780
I feel like we could talk for several more hours,

01:03:39.860 --> 01:03:41.460
so maybe we'll have you back on for a follow

01:03:41.460 --> 01:03:44.239
-up at some point in the future. Uh, thanks so

01:03:44.239 --> 01:03:46.340
much for your time. It's been a lot of fun and,

01:03:46.380 --> 01:03:50.860
um, uh, a nice kind of different angle on a lot

01:03:50.860 --> 01:03:52.880
of the topics we touch on and dive into stuff

01:03:52.880 --> 01:03:54.300
we haven't yet. We haven't really gotten into

01:03:54.300 --> 01:03:57.059
sex and communication around sex. So this is,

01:03:57.099 --> 01:03:59.699
it'll be fresh and maybe titillating for our,

01:03:59.719 --> 01:04:02.139
for our listeners. There you go. Cool. Yeah.

01:04:02.559 --> 01:04:05.860
You're happy to come back anytime. Awesome. And

01:04:05.860 --> 01:04:08.460
as always, we hope this has been useful. Thanks

01:04:08.460 --> 01:04:09.099
for tuning in.