How to Prepare for High-Stakes Conversations

WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.800
You don't always know in advance which conversations

00:00:01.800 --> 00:00:03.359
are going to change the course of your life.

00:00:03.419 --> 00:00:05.179
Yeah, that's true. Sometimes you just think you're

00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:08.039
talking to a stranger at a party and then 10

00:00:08.039 --> 00:00:09.800
years later, you realize this is, I've been in

00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:11.359
the relationship with this person 10 years and

00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:13.500
now we have a dog and two kids or whatever. And

00:00:13.500 --> 00:00:15.939
you didn't know that in advance. Sometimes you

00:00:15.939 --> 00:00:18.280
do have a sense in advance that this conversation

00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:21.640
is going to matter. And when you have a sense

00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:23.480
that this matters and the outcome is important,

00:00:23.719 --> 00:00:26.300
it's so high leverage to take an extra 20 minutes,

00:00:26.420 --> 00:00:35.060
30 minutes and prepare for it in this way. Welcome

00:00:35.060 --> 00:00:37.439
to Making Yourself Clear. I'm Chris. I'm Patrick.

00:00:37.659 --> 00:00:39.600
And today we're going to talk about how to prepare

00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:43.159
for high stakes conversations. That's a good

00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:45.719
one. Walking into any conversation, sometimes

00:00:45.719 --> 00:00:48.299
you might walk away and just go, what happened

00:00:48.299 --> 00:00:50.539
there? Where did I go wrong? Something went off

00:00:50.539 --> 00:00:53.380
the rails there. What happened? Yeah, that's

00:00:53.380 --> 00:00:57.000
likely a familiar experience. You go into a conversation

00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:59.549
and then come out of it going. I'm not sure what

00:00:59.549 --> 00:01:01.929
that was. I don't know what got accomplished.

00:01:02.130 --> 00:01:03.909
Maybe it's a conversation in your private life.

00:01:04.049 --> 00:01:06.670
Maybe it's a meeting at work. This is a common

00:01:06.670 --> 00:01:09.109
one. We've all had meetings where you're there

00:01:09.109 --> 00:01:11.390
for an hour and maybe there's a large group of

00:01:11.390 --> 00:01:14.409
highly paid people in a boardroom. And at the

00:01:14.409 --> 00:01:16.769
end of it, you're just like, I'm not sure at

00:01:16.769 --> 00:01:19.390
all what was accomplished there. Yeah. Yeah.

00:01:19.409 --> 00:01:22.469
So you wind up confused, drained, frustrated,

00:01:22.549 --> 00:01:26.049
or sometimes we go in with a plan and we wind

00:01:26.049 --> 00:01:28.730
up. In the opposite situation, right? You find

00:01:28.730 --> 00:01:30.030
yourself in the middle of a misunderstanding

00:01:30.030 --> 00:01:33.489
or a conflict. And it's not always because of

00:01:33.489 --> 00:01:35.170
something you said. Sometimes it's because of

00:01:35.170 --> 00:01:36.650
something that you didn't say, something that

00:01:36.650 --> 00:01:39.849
you didn't put into this space. So having a way

00:01:39.849 --> 00:01:43.209
to build a conversation and to build an interaction,

00:01:43.489 --> 00:01:45.969
that would be a pretty helpful tool. I would

00:01:45.969 --> 00:01:47.890
say so. So what we're going to talk about today

00:01:47.890 --> 00:01:51.430
is how to do that before the conversation, before

00:01:51.430 --> 00:01:54.340
the meeting. So this is the pre -work. And we're

00:01:54.340 --> 00:01:57.099
going to present a three part framework, which

00:01:57.099 --> 00:02:00.280
is really an intention setting exercise. And

00:02:00.280 --> 00:02:03.599
it's often the intention piece that's missing.

00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:05.959
If you go into something with a vaguely defined

00:02:05.959 --> 00:02:09.479
intention, you're going to get vague results

00:02:09.479 --> 00:02:12.680
or ambiguous results, or it'll kind of go sideways

00:02:12.680 --> 00:02:15.460
and you're more likely to lose control of the

00:02:15.460 --> 00:02:17.400
thing. Right. Whereas if you're crystal clear

00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:20.180
on what you want to accomplish, why you're doing

00:02:20.180 --> 00:02:22.590
it. and how you want to show up, you've got a

00:02:22.590 --> 00:02:26.789
much better shot of succeeding. A wise man once

00:02:26.789 --> 00:02:29.530
told me that the secret to your effectiveness

00:02:29.530 --> 00:02:33.150
in life broadly is being clear on your intentions.

00:02:33.669 --> 00:02:37.789
And he also said that human beings are remarkably

00:02:37.789 --> 00:02:41.250
effective at fulfilling on our intentions, but

00:02:41.250 --> 00:02:43.590
we're pretty terrible at knowing what those really

00:02:43.590 --> 00:02:46.689
are. Right. So if we could find a way to plan

00:02:46.689 --> 00:02:50.889
or reverse engineer. what our intentions are

00:02:50.889 --> 00:02:54.389
and then go into that with a specific mindset

00:02:54.389 --> 00:02:56.550
then that's the tool that we're looking at at

00:02:56.550 --> 00:02:58.490
unpacking today consciously create an intention

00:02:58.490 --> 00:03:00.129
or a set of intentions because the other thing

00:03:00.129 --> 00:03:02.289
is we often have conflicting we have multiple

00:03:02.289 --> 00:03:04.990
conflicting intentions behind a lot of the things

00:03:04.990 --> 00:03:07.189
we do yeah that's true so getting clear about

00:03:07.189 --> 00:03:10.150
what the higher purpose is yeah and designing

00:03:10.150 --> 00:03:12.229
on purpose and then having your intention is

00:03:12.229 --> 00:03:15.710
a thing you can true yourself up to in order

00:03:15.710 --> 00:03:18.169
to to stay on track So that's what we're going

00:03:18.169 --> 00:03:19.530
to talk about today. We're going to talk about

00:03:19.530 --> 00:03:23.849
a tool called CPR. So CPR stands for context,

00:03:24.110 --> 00:03:27.689
purpose, and results. When you don't have those

00:03:27.689 --> 00:03:29.710
three things, you're just kind of winging a conversation.

00:03:30.030 --> 00:03:32.750
And sometimes winging it works, but oftentimes

00:03:32.750 --> 00:03:34.830
we find ourselves, especially in high stakes

00:03:34.830 --> 00:03:37.669
interactions, then that's not the case, right?

00:03:37.770 --> 00:03:41.310
So that's where crafting a CPR comes in. It's

00:03:41.310 --> 00:03:43.969
a simple framework, but invites you to slow down

00:03:43.969 --> 00:03:47.240
and be intentional about. where we're going.

00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:49.740
So we're going to break it down. What is context?

00:03:50.060 --> 00:03:52.460
What does it mean to know your purpose? And then

00:03:52.460 --> 00:03:55.020
how do you define results in a conversation?

00:03:55.800 --> 00:03:57.439
One of the things we want to watch out for is

00:03:57.439 --> 00:03:59.780
not turning it into a list of things that we

00:03:59.780 --> 00:04:01.639
want to hit, right? We don't want it to be transactional,

00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:04.099
but what do you want to get out of the interaction?

00:04:04.639 --> 00:04:07.819
So context, purpose, results. Maybe we should

00:04:07.819 --> 00:04:10.280
say a few words about what we mean by each of

00:04:10.280 --> 00:04:12.659
those things, just to clarify. Let's dive into

00:04:12.659 --> 00:04:14.180
each one and do a little bit of a definition.

00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:17.829
So context. Context is who you're being when

00:04:17.829 --> 00:04:20.730
you show up. So it's not the content of the conversation,

00:04:20.970 --> 00:04:24.350
but rather, I said mindset earlier, right? So

00:04:24.350 --> 00:04:27.189
your energy, your presence, how are you showing

00:04:27.189 --> 00:04:30.329
up? Your true north. Who do I want to be? How

00:04:30.329 --> 00:04:32.829
do I want to be? Yeah, you can think of it like

00:04:32.829 --> 00:04:35.949
a stance. It's kind of like where you're coming

00:04:35.949 --> 00:04:38.610
from in the interaction. Right. If we're intentional

00:04:38.610 --> 00:04:41.750
about where we want to come from, then we can

00:04:41.750 --> 00:04:43.910
always true up to that. Like you said, I know

00:04:43.910 --> 00:04:46.389
that I want to be. curious in this engagement.

00:04:46.430 --> 00:04:48.649
I know that I want to be confident in this engagement.

00:04:48.769 --> 00:04:52.050
I want to be receptive to whatever my partner

00:04:52.050 --> 00:04:55.350
in this engagement is coming to me with. I want

00:04:55.350 --> 00:04:57.329
to be firm. So those are all contexts, right?

00:04:57.509 --> 00:05:00.550
The thing about context is if you're not choosing

00:05:00.550 --> 00:05:03.370
a context, you're still showing up with one.

00:05:03.790 --> 00:05:06.009
That's a really good point. You always are coming

00:05:06.009 --> 00:05:08.870
from somewhere. It's just by going through an

00:05:08.870 --> 00:05:11.649
exercise like this, you are consciously designing

00:05:11.649 --> 00:05:13.449
what that's going to be yeah other than just

00:05:13.449 --> 00:05:16.949
defaulting to something automatic or reactive

00:05:16.949 --> 00:05:19.449
a mentor of mine always says no matter where

00:05:19.449 --> 00:05:22.149
i go i show up and so what he means by that is

00:05:22.149 --> 00:05:25.089
you know regardless of the interaction you're

00:05:25.089 --> 00:05:28.029
having you're you have a default setting you

00:05:28.029 --> 00:05:30.230
have a default way of being so going in with

00:05:30.230 --> 00:05:32.910
a context means i'm not going to go in my default

00:05:32.910 --> 00:05:35.290
mode because oftentimes our default modes are

00:05:35.290 --> 00:05:37.709
they're not the optimal space to be coming from

00:05:38.060 --> 00:05:40.480
And even if your default is going to be effective,

00:05:40.819 --> 00:05:43.399
you can still consciously choose it. Right. Like,

00:05:43.459 --> 00:05:45.019
yeah, you can consciously choose the default

00:05:45.019 --> 00:05:48.899
setting. The key distinction here is whether

00:05:48.899 --> 00:05:51.639
it's a mindful choice or whether it's just an

00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:55.319
automatic autopilot sort of way of being that

00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:56.899
you didn't choose and you just find yourself

00:05:56.899 --> 00:06:00.000
in. And this can be there's an infinite number

00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.899
of contexts we can come from or virtually infinite.

00:06:03.019 --> 00:06:05.379
And it can be anything from playful and fun and

00:06:05.379 --> 00:06:08.459
light to serious to. you know, drill sergeant

00:06:08.459 --> 00:06:12.060
mode. Right. And there's no right or wrong. It's

00:06:12.060 --> 00:06:15.600
something you get to choose based on what calls

00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:17.920
to you. Yeah. So the next piece is purpose, right?

00:06:17.959 --> 00:06:20.240
So we're segueing to the why. When you're clear

00:06:20.240 --> 00:06:23.319
on your purpose, you're anchored. You can redirect

00:06:23.319 --> 00:06:25.220
things. When things veer off course, you can

00:06:25.220 --> 00:06:26.980
check in with yourself. If you're familiar with

00:06:26.980 --> 00:06:29.019
Simon Sinek's work, he had a TED talk that went

00:06:29.019 --> 00:06:31.980
super viral the 15 years ago on start with why.

00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:35.680
And it was, it's the big why behind what you're

00:06:35.680 --> 00:06:38.079
doing. And again, we'll say more about that as

00:06:38.079 --> 00:06:39.660
we move on, but that's probably a good enough

00:06:39.660 --> 00:06:42.459
intro for now. Yeah. And then the last piece

00:06:42.459 --> 00:06:45.920
is the results. So this is if the context is

00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.699
the who, who am I going to be? And the purpose

00:06:48.699 --> 00:06:52.060
is the why the results are the what? Right. What

00:06:52.060 --> 00:06:55.500
am I trying to accomplish? And when we talk about

00:06:55.500 --> 00:06:57.540
results, you know, one common framework for thinking

00:06:57.540 --> 00:06:59.620
about results is in terms of, say, smart goals,

00:06:59.740 --> 00:07:02.579
you know, specific, measurable, attainable, relevant,

00:07:02.779 --> 00:07:05.579
time bound. not all of your results have to hit

00:07:05.579 --> 00:07:08.180
all of those check marks, but the point being

00:07:08.180 --> 00:07:10.600
the results are the measurable changes you're

00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:14.000
trying to cause out there in the world that are

00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:16.199
observable. Yeah. And outsiders. So these are,

00:07:16.220 --> 00:07:19.199
and they can be subjective as well. If I want

00:07:19.199 --> 00:07:21.220
to measure a feeling or something like that,

00:07:21.300 --> 00:07:24.339
like I know how I felt, but I can't speak for

00:07:24.339 --> 00:07:27.339
somebody else. So that's not to say you can't

00:07:27.339 --> 00:07:30.720
have a result around, you know, we laugh a couple

00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:32.660
of times, like we laugh a couple of times. That's

00:07:32.660 --> 00:07:36.009
a yes or no. We feel good. That's harder to measure,

00:07:36.089 --> 00:07:38.750
but we laugh together. And it's reasonable to

00:07:38.750 --> 00:07:42.089
include the other person's subjective experience

00:07:42.089 --> 00:07:44.709
in the results that you're targeting. Like if

00:07:44.709 --> 00:07:46.589
you're going into a conversation to resolve a

00:07:46.589 --> 00:07:49.410
conflict, a reasonable result might be we both

00:07:49.410 --> 00:07:52.889
walk away feeling heard and understood and respected.

00:07:53.069 --> 00:07:56.269
And you have firsthand knowledge of whether or

00:07:56.269 --> 00:07:58.649
not you felt that way. You can ask the other

00:07:58.649 --> 00:08:00.569
person. There are ways to try to make these things

00:08:00.569 --> 00:08:02.500
measurable, but... You don't need to be a stickler

00:08:02.500 --> 00:08:05.279
for that part of it. It's really about getting

00:08:05.279 --> 00:08:07.060
clear on what the intentions are. When I'm doing

00:08:07.060 --> 00:08:09.480
one of these, I'll do it in bullet form and I'll

00:08:09.480 --> 00:08:11.060
just make bullet points of all the results I'd

00:08:11.060 --> 00:08:14.500
like to achieve. And I like to phrase them almost

00:08:14.500 --> 00:08:16.720
in the past tense. So I imagine myself on the

00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:19.079
other side of the conversation, presentation,

00:08:19.399 --> 00:08:22.500
interaction, whatever it is. And then I'll write

00:08:22.500 --> 00:08:24.220
out in the past tense, like the results have

00:08:24.220 --> 00:08:27.000
already happened. So I felt seen and understood.

00:08:27.339 --> 00:08:30.569
My counterpart felt valued and respected. We

00:08:30.569 --> 00:08:34.129
agreed on X, Y, Z decision, whatever they are.

00:08:34.190 --> 00:08:35.629
And you just kind of bullet point them out. And

00:08:35.629 --> 00:08:38.850
it's useful to be precise and crisp and thorough

00:08:38.850 --> 00:08:40.909
here. So you don't want to say something like

00:08:40.909 --> 00:08:43.750
we talked about or discussed. Right. Yeah. X

00:08:43.750 --> 00:08:47.129
or Y. Yeah. Okay. You discussed it. So what?

00:08:47.190 --> 00:08:48.789
Yeah. Right. Are you trying to get a decision

00:08:48.789 --> 00:08:51.090
made? Are you trying to update somebody on something?

00:08:51.190 --> 00:08:53.509
Are you trying to sell somebody something? Are

00:08:53.509 --> 00:08:55.350
you trying to get agreement? Right. Are you going

00:08:55.350 --> 00:08:58.539
on a date and you want to. Your goal is to get

00:08:58.539 --> 00:09:00.159
a second date. So we've talked about choosing

00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:02.120
who you're being. We've talked about anchoring

00:09:02.120 --> 00:09:05.320
your reason for having this interaction. And

00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:07.379
now we know what we want to come away with. So

00:09:07.379 --> 00:09:09.840
it sounds pretty basic, but when we're not doing

00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:11.860
it, we're just reacting. We're just in the moment.

00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:13.980
We're just winging it. And we're hoping that

00:09:13.980 --> 00:09:15.940
things will magically land where we want them

00:09:15.940 --> 00:09:19.019
to. It's much easier if we're clear on these

00:09:19.019 --> 00:09:21.279
couple of things. Context, purpose, results.

00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:24.240
I usually suggest if you're sitting down to...

00:09:24.549 --> 00:09:26.610
work through this exercise. I like to start at

00:09:26.610 --> 00:09:28.690
the end and work backwards. Yeah. I do the same

00:09:28.690 --> 00:09:30.370
thing actually. Yeah. So there's no right or

00:09:30.370 --> 00:09:32.990
wrong way to start a CPR. Why is it that you

00:09:32.990 --> 00:09:35.950
do it that way? I think because the results are

00:09:35.950 --> 00:09:39.289
usually the easiest for me to define. I find

00:09:39.289 --> 00:09:41.250
that too. Yeah. I say like, okay, what at the

00:09:41.250 --> 00:09:42.830
end of this conversation, here's what I want

00:09:42.830 --> 00:09:45.309
to have achieved. That's easier for me to access.

00:09:45.610 --> 00:09:47.990
Yeah. And so I'll make those bullet points and

00:09:47.990 --> 00:09:50.950
maybe refine it, add to it. And I look at it

00:09:50.950 --> 00:09:52.759
from a couple of perspectives. I actually look

00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.039
at both objective results. So things that are

00:09:56.039 --> 00:09:58.379
observable and measurable. I also look at the

00:09:58.379 --> 00:10:00.980
subjective, the felt experience that I want to

00:10:00.980 --> 00:10:03.320
create for myself and the others. So if I'm giving

00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:05.919
a speech, I'll talk about how I want to feel.

00:10:06.019 --> 00:10:08.019
I'll talk about the reaction I want to get from

00:10:08.019 --> 00:10:09.559
the crowd, the experience I want to leave them

00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:12.000
with. So the objective and the subjective, and

00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:14.399
I'll work through the results piece. And then

00:10:14.399 --> 00:10:17.659
once that feels complete, I'll pause and I'll

00:10:17.659 --> 00:10:19.960
say, okay, so what is the big why behind all

00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:22.210
these results? There's like a unifying. theme

00:10:22.210 --> 00:10:24.669
that unites them. And the purpose is not a bunch

00:10:24.669 --> 00:10:27.190
of bullet points. It's typically more like a

00:10:27.190 --> 00:10:30.710
sentence or maybe two that has some resonance

00:10:30.710 --> 00:10:32.389
and says, okay, yeah, this is meaningful. This

00:10:32.389 --> 00:10:35.350
is my motivation. This is why these results are

00:10:35.350 --> 00:10:37.929
valuable to me. So deep dive on results. Getting

00:10:37.929 --> 00:10:39.730
results doesn't mean we're controlling the conversation

00:10:39.730 --> 00:10:42.049
or the interaction. We're not scripting where

00:10:42.049 --> 00:10:44.210
we want things to go. It's like Chris said, like,

00:10:44.269 --> 00:10:46.809
I want to walk out with this specific feeling.

00:10:47.169 --> 00:10:50.129
I want to know that we have made a decision around

00:10:50.129 --> 00:10:53.250
X or Y. Maybe it's something as simple as I want

00:10:53.250 --> 00:10:54.929
to see people nod their heads in agreement, like

00:10:54.929 --> 00:10:56.909
they're getting what I'm saying. You know, I

00:10:56.909 --> 00:10:58.789
want to see a couple of heads nod like, cool,

00:10:58.870 --> 00:11:00.730
I can check that box off. Yes, that happened.

00:11:00.769 --> 00:11:04.049
No, it didn't. So the more specific, the more

00:11:04.049 --> 00:11:06.590
measurable, the more binary. And if you're, if

00:11:06.590 --> 00:11:08.950
it's a presentation or a speech or a performance

00:11:08.950 --> 00:11:11.309
of any sort, you can talk about how the crowd

00:11:11.309 --> 00:11:13.549
reacts. I got a few laughs. I got a few laughs.

00:11:13.549 --> 00:11:15.629
X number of laughs. Yep. Or I got a standing

00:11:15.629 --> 00:11:18.850
ovation or in the feedback form I had people

00:11:18.850 --> 00:11:21.240
fill out at the end. X number of people filled

00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:23.539
them out and they commented on such and such

00:11:23.539 --> 00:11:25.419
valuable takeaway. Yeah. Something. So you can

00:11:25.419 --> 00:11:28.200
find ways to try to measure the impact of the

00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:30.580
conversation, even if much of it resides over

00:11:30.580 --> 00:11:32.460
there in someone else's experience. And that's

00:11:32.460 --> 00:11:34.460
clarity, right? That gives us clear, yes, it

00:11:34.460 --> 00:11:37.320
happened. No, it didn't. And sometimes the results

00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:40.059
are super clear. Like you're going into a promotion

00:11:40.059 --> 00:11:42.139
conversation with your boss. You probably won't

00:11:42.139 --> 00:11:44.139
leave with a promotion in the first conversation

00:11:44.139 --> 00:11:45.740
you bring it up with, but maybe you leave with

00:11:45.740 --> 00:11:48.320
your boss's commitment to work with you on a

00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:52.330
promo package. and advocate for it in a calibration

00:11:52.330 --> 00:11:55.129
meeting, the next promotion cycle, let's say.

00:11:55.230 --> 00:11:58.470
But the takeaway is agreement. Your boss commits

00:11:58.470 --> 00:12:00.669
to do a thing. So that's a measurable takeaway.

00:12:01.029 --> 00:12:03.389
Some people fall into having vague results and

00:12:03.389 --> 00:12:06.250
that can really deter things. People can get

00:12:06.250 --> 00:12:08.909
stuck going into the conversation, you know,

00:12:08.909 --> 00:12:11.929
looking for a specific vibe. You know, I want

00:12:11.929 --> 00:12:14.529
to feel closer to somebody that doesn't get me

00:12:14.529 --> 00:12:17.049
what I want out of the conversation in those

00:12:17.049 --> 00:12:20.299
high stakes. interactions yeah it can be that

00:12:20.299 --> 00:12:22.820
like depending sometimes your goals are emotional

00:12:22.820 --> 00:12:25.039
if you're in conflict with say a romantic partner

00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:29.600
or a friend sometimes the goal is to feel like

00:12:29.600 --> 00:12:32.279
the conflict is complete and feel closer and

00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:35.200
more respect and affinity and love and closeness

00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:37.820
with that person yeah and that's a perfectly

00:12:37.820 --> 00:12:42.580
valid result if you are setting out to have another

00:12:42.580 --> 00:12:45.059
person feel a certain way Like you're going to

00:12:45.059 --> 00:12:47.039
apologize for something or have a make -up conversation

00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:49.620
after some rift in a relationship. At the end

00:12:49.620 --> 00:12:51.320
of the conversation, you'll know how you feel.

00:12:52.019 --> 00:12:53.940
And if part of your intention, if one of your

00:12:53.940 --> 00:12:55.940
results is I want the other person to also feel

00:12:55.940 --> 00:13:00.019
that this is resolved, ask them. You can check

00:13:00.019 --> 00:13:02.139
in and you can ask. It's kind of a reminder to

00:13:02.139 --> 00:13:05.500
say the way that you know how you impacted someone

00:13:05.500 --> 00:13:08.460
else is to check in with them and ask them how

00:13:08.460 --> 00:13:10.549
they feel. That could be one of your results.

00:13:10.750 --> 00:13:13.669
Yeah, the other person expresses that they feel

00:13:13.669 --> 00:13:16.990
heard. Heard, seen, felt, whatever it is. Yeah.

00:13:17.490 --> 00:13:19.929
I think when we talked about our apologies that

00:13:19.929 --> 00:13:22.809
don't suck, that was part of it, right? Yeah.

00:13:23.009 --> 00:13:24.289
Checking in with another person. Checking in,

00:13:24.289 --> 00:13:26.649
for sure. We talked about SMART results. It's

00:13:26.649 --> 00:13:29.529
an acronym specific. So exactly what do you want

00:13:29.529 --> 00:13:32.110
in this interaction? Measurable. How do you know

00:13:32.110 --> 00:13:34.289
that you got it? Yes, no, right? So the more

00:13:34.289 --> 00:13:36.429
binary that we can make it, the better we are.

00:13:36.769 --> 00:13:38.710
Again, doesn't mean that things have to be binary.

00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:41.179
but make things measurable. But measurable in

00:13:41.179 --> 00:13:43.379
the sense that, you know, maybe you give a presentation

00:13:43.379 --> 00:13:45.799
and there's a rating system afterwards and you

00:13:45.799 --> 00:13:48.500
want four out of five stars on average. That's

00:13:48.500 --> 00:13:50.779
measurable. That's measurable. It could be the

00:13:50.779 --> 00:13:54.980
design team agreed on the final dashboard layout

00:13:54.980 --> 00:13:57.360
for such and such software launch. Right. But

00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:58.980
the agreement is what's measurable. You either

00:13:58.980 --> 00:14:01.120
got to that agreement or you didn't. So specific,

00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:04.419
measurable, the A stands for achievable, right?

00:14:04.519 --> 00:14:09.600
Is this something we can actually achieve? timeframe

00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:11.399
that you're specifying, right? So going into

00:14:11.399 --> 00:14:13.519
a conversation, you want to say what's achievable

00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:16.139
by the end of this interaction. So whether that's

00:14:16.139 --> 00:14:18.000
45 minutes from now or three hours from now,

00:14:18.100 --> 00:14:21.179
that's the timeline you're setting for what's

00:14:21.179 --> 00:14:22.759
achievable. So if it's part of a much larger

00:14:22.759 --> 00:14:25.679
project, scope it down to what you're trying

00:14:25.679 --> 00:14:27.440
to accomplish in this meeting. But it's also

00:14:27.440 --> 00:14:29.460
useful to prevent scope creep. I think we've

00:14:29.460 --> 00:14:31.019
probably all been in some kind of planning meeting

00:14:31.019 --> 00:14:34.659
at work where... You talk about one thing and

00:14:34.659 --> 00:14:36.379
then that reminds you of another thing and then

00:14:36.379 --> 00:14:37.779
someone else takes it on a different tangent.

00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:39.120
And before you know it, the conversation has

00:14:39.120 --> 00:14:41.879
gone six kinds of sideways. Yeah. And you get

00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:43.679
way out ahead of yourself and you're now talking

00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:46.299
about decisions that you can't possibly make

00:14:46.299 --> 00:14:49.360
until three or four months from now. And you've

00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.440
essentially wasted your time. Whereas if you

00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:53.679
keep the focus on what are we here to accomplish

00:14:53.679 --> 00:14:57.820
in this meeting. Right. And let's bound the present

00:14:57.820 --> 00:14:59.600
conversation to what we're trying to get done

00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.000
here. then your meetings can be much tighter

00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:04.940
and much more focused and much punchier. Well,

00:15:04.960 --> 00:15:06.559
and that comes back to your purpose, right? So

00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:10.139
the scope creep killer, having a good purpose.

00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.259
Having a clear purpose and specifying. And you

00:15:12.259 --> 00:15:14.759
can check in as you're going along. How are we

00:15:14.759 --> 00:15:17.860
doing in terms of these results? If you've achieved

00:15:17.860 --> 00:15:20.179
the result already, you can stop beating that

00:15:20.179 --> 00:15:21.980
dead horse. The horse is dead. You don't have

00:15:21.980 --> 00:15:24.460
to kick it anymore, right? Dead horse, check.

00:15:24.659 --> 00:15:28.059
Dead horse, check. Relevant. Does this actually

00:15:28.059 --> 00:15:30.559
serve the purpose? So we've got specific, measurable,

00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:33.840
achievable, relevant. Is this relevant to what

00:15:33.840 --> 00:15:36.460
we're doing? And then the last one is our T for

00:15:36.460 --> 00:15:39.419
time bound. And this one's kind of baked in in

00:15:39.419 --> 00:15:42.799
the context of preparing for an individual conversation

00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:46.279
or interaction. The time bound part is what are

00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:47.779
we trying to achieve by the end of this conversation?

00:15:48.100 --> 00:15:51.440
And also potentially. If one of your results

00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.220
is we make a decision to do X, like have you,

00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:57.139
have you created a timeframe for that to be done?

00:15:57.200 --> 00:15:59.879
Right. Right. So that's, that's another point

00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:02.720
here is say you make a decision to do a certain

00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:05.820
thing. Okay, great. Some results might flow from

00:16:05.820 --> 00:16:08.419
that, right? Like who exactly has agreed to do

00:16:08.419 --> 00:16:11.059
what and by when have you come up with a set

00:16:11.059 --> 00:16:15.379
of not just we agreed to do X it's who agreed

00:16:15.379 --> 00:16:18.340
to do what and by when is the next level because.

00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:20.759
you're going to want to have something concrete

00:16:20.759 --> 00:16:23.820
that you can hold people to another thing that

00:16:23.820 --> 00:16:25.259
i'm sure everyone's experienced in meetings you

00:16:25.259 --> 00:16:27.159
come together and talk about a thing there's

00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:29.460
this vague agreement that x should happen right

00:16:29.460 --> 00:16:31.840
we all agree that x should happen great glad

00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:33.379
we're aligned and then you go your separate ways

00:16:33.379 --> 00:16:36.759
and you're surprised weeks or months later when

00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:38.860
x didn't happen yeah nobody how come nobody did

00:16:38.860 --> 00:16:41.360
it x didn't just happen itself i thought i thought

00:16:41.360 --> 00:16:42.779
you were taking care right well i thought x was

00:16:42.779 --> 00:16:45.299
doing it exactly like an autopoetic sort of thing

00:16:45.299 --> 00:16:48.250
but uh So if there's going to be an agreement

00:16:48.250 --> 00:16:50.850
that a thing should happen, you need to know

00:16:50.850 --> 00:16:53.889
who's going to do what by when. Right. So those

00:16:53.889 --> 00:16:56.250
are our smart results. Specific, measurable,

00:16:56.610 --> 00:17:00.950
achievable, relevant, time bound. There's a common

00:17:00.950 --> 00:17:03.870
experience where, let's say, your relationship

00:17:03.870 --> 00:17:06.109
partner comes home from work and they start complaining

00:17:06.109 --> 00:17:09.069
about something. And if you're anything like

00:17:09.069 --> 00:17:11.289
me, you've probably fallen into the trap of...

00:17:11.470 --> 00:17:13.690
jumping right into solution mode oh you try and

00:17:13.690 --> 00:17:15.670
fix things too yeah yeah you just start telling

00:17:15.670 --> 00:17:17.349
them what they should do here are all of the

00:17:17.349 --> 00:17:19.390
things we gotta do about that yeah and then they

00:17:19.390 --> 00:17:22.670
get more upset because i've assumed that they

00:17:22.670 --> 00:17:25.289
want a solution they maybe didn't maybe maybe

00:17:25.289 --> 00:17:28.289
she just wanted to be heard and validated and

00:17:28.289 --> 00:17:30.670
empathized with actually this this came up for

00:17:30.670 --> 00:17:33.410
me three days ago with a friend of mine so i

00:17:33.410 --> 00:17:35.630
play in a band with him and he was fixing a friend's

00:17:35.630 --> 00:17:39.089
guitar and the guitar came back and it didn't

00:17:39.089 --> 00:17:42.690
seem as though it was fixed. And so he went back

00:17:42.690 --> 00:17:44.650
to the drawing board and the friend who owned

00:17:44.650 --> 00:17:46.109
the guitar sort of said like, ah, you've got

00:17:46.109 --> 00:17:48.650
to tell your buddy he didn't do a good job. And

00:17:48.650 --> 00:17:50.390
he was looking for me to give him some advice,

00:17:50.430 --> 00:17:52.650
but I didn't know that. So I was just kind of

00:17:52.650 --> 00:17:54.309
listening like, okay, great. And then finally

00:17:54.309 --> 00:17:56.069
I said like, what do you need from me? Like,

00:17:56.089 --> 00:17:58.569
what do you want here? And he's like, I really

00:17:58.569 --> 00:18:00.509
just want to know what you would do in this situation.

00:18:00.650 --> 00:18:03.589
Like, can you give me some advice? And so I did.

00:18:03.750 --> 00:18:06.119
I said, I think that you're the middleman right

00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:08.200
now and you need to just sort of extricate yourself

00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:10.859
from the situation, put these two people in contact

00:18:10.859 --> 00:18:13.599
with one another, and then you're not the telephone

00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:15.579
anymore. They can actually have a direct communication.

00:18:16.059 --> 00:18:18.319
And so he did. And that, that actually really

00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:20.500
helped the situation to just. So in that case,

00:18:20.519 --> 00:18:22.980
he actually did want advice. He did. Yeah. And

00:18:22.980 --> 00:18:24.660
in this situation you were describing, the person

00:18:24.660 --> 00:18:26.920
did not. Yeah. Don't want advice. And I just

00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:29.000
default to giving it and then they get more upset.

00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:32.339
Right. So in that case. I would speculate the

00:18:32.339 --> 00:18:34.619
result that they want is maybe just to be heard

00:18:34.619 --> 00:18:37.559
and to feel supported. But I'm assuming the result

00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:39.559
they want is my infinite wisdom on how to solve

00:18:39.559 --> 00:18:42.859
their problem. So getting clear on the result

00:18:42.859 --> 00:18:45.759
you want is super useful because you can ask

00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:47.859
for it. You can say, hey, I want to vent. I had

00:18:47.859 --> 00:18:49.400
a frustrating experience. I don't need solutions.

00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:52.119
I just want you to empathize with me. Great.

00:18:52.200 --> 00:18:54.099
That tells the other person how to position themselves

00:18:54.099 --> 00:18:56.859
in the conversation. And then off you go. And

00:18:56.859 --> 00:18:58.480
if you're on the receiving end and someone just

00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:00.579
launches into something and you're not sure.

00:19:01.349 --> 00:19:05.430
what your role is in the conversation, ask. I

00:19:05.430 --> 00:19:07.089
feel like that could be a whole other podcast

00:19:07.089 --> 00:19:09.329
too, asking for what we want or trying to figure

00:19:09.329 --> 00:19:12.029
out what someone else wants by asking those kinds

00:19:12.029 --> 00:19:14.230
of questions. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent.

00:19:15.069 --> 00:19:16.890
So results, what was the point there? The point

00:19:16.890 --> 00:19:19.890
was to the extent that it's possible, get really

00:19:19.890 --> 00:19:22.349
clear on the specific measurable out there in

00:19:22.349 --> 00:19:24.109
the world, kinds of results you want to achieve.

00:19:24.309 --> 00:19:26.509
And in conversations, those results are often,

00:19:26.609 --> 00:19:28.250
you're looking for agreement, you're looking

00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:30.519
for a decision to be made. You're looking for

00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:33.119
commitments to be made. Either you promise something

00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:34.839
to someone else or you get them to commit to

00:19:34.839 --> 00:19:38.099
something from you. So it's agreements, promises,

00:19:38.220 --> 00:19:40.900
requests in the world of objective out there,

00:19:41.019 --> 00:19:43.279
measurable results. And then there's the emotional

00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:46.839
stuff to the experiential subjective. What do

00:19:46.839 --> 00:19:48.400
you want the other person to experience? What

00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:50.359
do you want to experience? What are the emotional

00:19:50.359 --> 00:19:52.039
results you want to create? And those are also

00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:54.920
valid. And you can make them more measurable

00:19:54.920 --> 00:19:56.420
in the sense that you can check in with the other

00:19:56.420 --> 00:19:58.559
person and ask what their experience was like.

00:19:58.970 --> 00:20:01.089
And then they can tell you, and that can take

00:20:01.089 --> 00:20:04.150
the purely subjective a step closer to being

00:20:04.150 --> 00:20:07.650
also measurable. Do you limit yourself to a specific

00:20:07.650 --> 00:20:09.730
number of results or is it just kind of like,

00:20:09.750 --> 00:20:12.089
I'll try and hit 20, 30, 40 different things

00:20:12.089 --> 00:20:15.130
in the one interaction? Totally depends on the

00:20:15.130 --> 00:20:17.730
type of interaction I'm preparing for. Like sometimes

00:20:17.730 --> 00:20:20.690
it's just one, right? I want to ask my boss for

00:20:20.690 --> 00:20:23.410
a week off and I want them to agree. So one result,

00:20:23.529 --> 00:20:26.009
got it. There you go. Out of here. Yeah. Other

00:20:26.009 --> 00:20:28.160
times it's a much longer list. Obviously you

00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:29.720
can't accomplish an infinite number of things

00:20:29.720 --> 00:20:31.960
in a finite meeting. Yeah. So you don't want

00:20:31.960 --> 00:20:34.119
to drown yourself in this. There's no right or

00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:35.400
wrong there. You're going to guide it however

00:20:35.400 --> 00:20:37.740
you want to. My suggestion would be if you're

00:20:37.740 --> 00:20:40.759
going to use this technique, the fewer results

00:20:40.759 --> 00:20:43.599
you have, the more intentional you can be about

00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:46.900
hitting them. Yeah. And you can look at it through

00:20:46.900 --> 00:20:49.960
the lens of like, if I achieve this set of results,

00:20:50.180 --> 00:20:53.319
will this meeting conversation interaction, will

00:20:53.319 --> 00:20:56.779
this have been a success? Yeah. And. Because

00:20:56.779 --> 00:20:58.960
it's really an intention setting exercise more

00:20:58.960 --> 00:21:01.119
than a checklist sort of thing, it's you get

00:21:01.119 --> 00:21:03.980
to say what feels right for you, find the right

00:21:03.980 --> 00:21:05.980
level of granularity. But it's useful to get

00:21:05.980 --> 00:21:08.119
precise and specific here. To that point, if

00:21:08.119 --> 00:21:10.200
I make too many results, sometimes results aren't

00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.980
met. What do we do if? Yeah, I mean, none of

00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:14.059
this is a guarantee, right? It's again, it's

00:21:14.059 --> 00:21:16.759
an intention setting exercise. So it's here's

00:21:16.759 --> 00:21:19.759
what I'm intending to accomplish. And it'll often

00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:22.680
be the case that you'll achieve many of the results,

00:21:22.700 --> 00:21:26.500
but not all. Yeah. But the idea is. By getting

00:21:26.500 --> 00:21:30.099
clear on the results you want up front, you know

00:21:30.099 --> 00:21:32.160
what the target is. Like, you know what the center

00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:34.160
of the bullseye is. You know what direction to

00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.480
shoot. And you're going to be more effective

00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:38.299
than if you go in without a clear sense of what

00:21:38.299 --> 00:21:40.259
you're trying to achieve. I mean, the likelihood

00:21:40.259 --> 00:21:43.039
is honestly that this is probably not the one

00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:45.160
and only conversation. There will be more opportunities.

00:21:45.740 --> 00:21:47.980
In some cases, that's not the case. If it's a

00:21:47.980 --> 00:21:50.420
job interview, you probably only have one shot

00:21:50.420 --> 00:21:52.039
there. So the job interview is a good example

00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:55.319
because ultimately the result you want is a job.

00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:57.420
but you probably don't know at the end of the

00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:00.140
interview whether you got the job. So the A in

00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:04.700
SMART, the achievable piece, you probably don't

00:22:04.700 --> 00:22:07.059
want to put I got the job as one of the results

00:22:07.059 --> 00:22:09.059
from a job interview. No, that could be your

00:22:09.059 --> 00:22:10.660
purpose though. It can be your bigger purpose

00:22:10.660 --> 00:22:13.740
for sure, but it's not a result you're going

00:22:13.740 --> 00:22:15.940
to leave that conversation with in all likelihood.

00:22:16.019 --> 00:22:18.579
So don't include it. Include other things that

00:22:18.579 --> 00:22:21.220
you can know at the end of the conversation whether

00:22:21.220 --> 00:22:23.339
you've achieved or not. Yeah, I felt like I presented

00:22:23.339 --> 00:22:28.410
my best self. So that's results. Shall we switch

00:22:28.410 --> 00:22:30.410
gears and now talk about the purpose part of

00:22:30.410 --> 00:22:32.690
why? Yeah, I think we've done a good job diving

00:22:32.690 --> 00:22:35.049
deep on results. So now let's dive deep on purpose.

00:22:35.250 --> 00:22:38.109
It's your why. Why are you speaking? Why are

00:22:38.109 --> 00:22:39.849
you initiating this conversation? Why does this

00:22:39.849 --> 00:22:42.250
matter to you? What's the purpose of the conversation?

00:22:42.589 --> 00:22:45.170
The purpose is something that speaks to you because

00:22:45.170 --> 00:22:48.809
there's some surface level why. Like, I'm...

00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:50.500
going to this job interview because I want to

00:22:50.500 --> 00:22:51.960
get a job. Okay. But why do you want to get a

00:22:51.960 --> 00:22:53.640
job? Why is that important? Right. And is it

00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:55.460
just any job or is it a particular kind of job?

00:22:55.559 --> 00:22:58.279
And the more you can drill down on purpose, the

00:22:58.279 --> 00:23:00.859
higher the stakes are going to be for you. And

00:23:00.859 --> 00:23:03.440
the more driven you're going to be to get the

00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.720
results that you've put on paper. There's an

00:23:05.720 --> 00:23:07.779
interesting exercise when it comes to the getting

00:23:07.779 --> 00:23:09.880
clear on the why. It's called the five whys.

00:23:10.579 --> 00:23:13.000
We're basically, why are you wanting to do this?

00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.559
Why is this important to you? And you'll come

00:23:14.559 --> 00:23:16.839
up with your first answer. Yeah. And then it's

00:23:16.839 --> 00:23:19.210
okay. Why is that important? And that forces

00:23:19.210 --> 00:23:21.710
you to pause and dig a little deeper. And then

00:23:21.710 --> 00:23:23.950
you ask again, okay, why does that matter? And

00:23:23.950 --> 00:23:26.589
you go five rounds of it and it can be give or

00:23:26.589 --> 00:23:30.630
take, but you just keep asking why until you

00:23:30.630 --> 00:23:32.650
come up with something where there is no further

00:23:32.650 --> 00:23:34.450
justification. Yeah. Where it's like, this is

00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.490
bedrock. This is just, this why is self -evident.

00:23:37.589 --> 00:23:40.450
I don't need to justify it. It's just, just because.

00:23:40.710 --> 00:23:43.569
Yeah. And when you get to that, the expression

00:23:43.569 --> 00:23:46.569
of the why that is just self -evident, you've

00:23:46.569 --> 00:23:49.049
gotten to a... something constitutional yeah

00:23:49.049 --> 00:23:51.450
we take these fundamental truths to be self -evident

00:23:51.450 --> 00:23:55.349
just just cause because this feels like me and

00:23:55.349 --> 00:23:57.509
you might find yourself actually getting a little

00:23:57.509 --> 00:23:59.869
bit moved by it because yeah when you get to

00:23:59.869 --> 00:24:01.970
something that with a good purpose for sure when

00:24:01.970 --> 00:24:05.309
it strikes a chord it's like you'll feel seen

00:24:05.309 --> 00:24:08.289
by yourself on a level you might not have before

00:24:08.289 --> 00:24:10.970
yeah that's really uh there's there can be a

00:24:10.970 --> 00:24:12.589
spark of inspiration and you might get a little

00:24:12.589 --> 00:24:15.339
bit of uh like goosebumps on the back of your

00:24:15.339 --> 00:24:18.460
arms or something like it'll it'll really resonate

00:24:18.460 --> 00:24:21.359
deeply yeah yeah so it's not just you know i

00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:23.539
want the sale to go well it's i want my business

00:24:23.539 --> 00:24:27.759
to succeed or i want to be able to pass the legacy

00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:30.839
of this business on to my family or something

00:24:30.839 --> 00:24:34.880
like that right like so yeah drill down on purpose

00:24:34.880 --> 00:24:37.000
ask yourself why a couple of times or have someone

00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:39.940
else do it that's a great exercise yeah i was

00:24:39.940 --> 00:24:43.539
uh on a an initial kickoff call with a coaching

00:24:43.539 --> 00:24:46.799
client a while ago, and he was talking about

00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:49.839
wanting a promotion. Whenever anyone tells me

00:24:49.839 --> 00:24:52.279
they want to get a promotion, I go through this.

00:24:52.299 --> 00:24:55.440
Okay, why? Why is that important to you? And

00:24:55.440 --> 00:24:57.319
the reasons can be different for different people.

00:24:57.359 --> 00:24:59.180
For some people, it's about the money. And then

00:24:59.180 --> 00:25:00.380
again, you go through kind of the superficial

00:25:00.380 --> 00:25:04.220
reasons and you drill down. And we went through

00:25:04.220 --> 00:25:09.200
a few levels of why with him. And what he landed

00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:13.960
on was He wanted to be a great role model for

00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:16.339
his sons. So that's a great why, right? Yeah,

00:25:16.420 --> 00:25:18.240
I had a similar sort of interaction with someone

00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:20.519
who, you know, I want to get to the gym more

00:25:20.519 --> 00:25:22.880
often. And okay, well, but why is that important?

00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:24.500
Well, I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier.

00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:27.200
Okay, great. But like, why? Why do you want to

00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:28.920
be healthier? Well, I want to live longer. Okay,

00:25:28.980 --> 00:25:30.380
why do you want to live longer? Because I want

00:25:30.380 --> 00:25:32.819
to be around for my family. Same sort of thing,

00:25:32.859 --> 00:25:35.119
right? It came back to his sons. Like, I don't

00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:37.319
want to... I don't want to miss big moments because

00:25:37.319 --> 00:25:40.319
I'm not healthy. Yeah, I died sooner than I needed

00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:42.059
to because of some preventable disease or something.

00:25:42.180 --> 00:25:44.660
Yeah. Yeah. You might be surprised at the direction

00:25:44.660 --> 00:25:46.819
this takes you because something like, I want

00:25:46.819 --> 00:25:49.140
to go to the gym. Why? I want to look better.

00:25:49.299 --> 00:25:51.099
I want to look better naked. Okay, great. Okay,

00:25:51.099 --> 00:25:53.920
great. Why? Well, because I want to feel attractive

00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:56.099
to my partner. Why? Well, because, you know,

00:25:56.119 --> 00:25:57.980
and then you get into something intimate. Yeah.

00:25:58.440 --> 00:26:00.759
If you're paying attention, you get somewhere

00:26:00.759 --> 00:26:03.000
deeper than you might have expected and you'll

00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:05.529
realize it's... There's something inspiring behind

00:26:05.529 --> 00:26:07.250
it and it's super useful to get in touch with

00:26:07.250 --> 00:26:09.950
what that is and to articulate it. Yeah. The

00:26:09.950 --> 00:26:12.869
more meaningful you can make your purpose, the

00:26:12.869 --> 00:26:14.410
higher the stakes are, the more skin you have

00:26:14.410 --> 00:26:18.549
in the game. Yeah. And it becomes a perfect segue

00:26:18.549 --> 00:26:21.130
because as you peel back these different layers

00:26:21.130 --> 00:26:25.089
of why, your answers will start to sound more

00:26:25.089 --> 00:26:27.890
and more like expressions of who you want to

00:26:27.890 --> 00:26:30.750
be in the world. Right. Which takes us right...

00:26:30.890 --> 00:26:33.230
into the last piece, which is context, which

00:26:33.230 --> 00:26:35.970
is really about who you're going to be and how

00:26:35.970 --> 00:26:37.069
you're going to show up in the conversation.

00:26:37.849 --> 00:26:40.910
Yeah. Let's talk about purpose evolving. Can

00:26:40.910 --> 00:26:42.710
purpose sort of shift throughout the conversation?

00:26:42.930 --> 00:26:45.849
Is that a possibility? Yeah, absolutely. Depending

00:26:45.849 --> 00:26:47.529
on the type of conversation, for sure. It happens

00:26:47.529 --> 00:26:49.230
all the time in coaching conversations where

00:26:49.230 --> 00:26:51.309
I'll start a call with a client saying, what

00:26:51.309 --> 00:26:53.450
would you like to achieve? Yeah, I've had that.

00:26:53.509 --> 00:26:55.349
Yeah. And we spend a bit of time saying, okay,

00:26:55.390 --> 00:26:57.569
we've got 45 minutes at the end of this call.

00:26:57.650 --> 00:27:00.349
If we've achieved X and Y, that'll be a win.

00:27:00.829 --> 00:27:02.849
And maybe we get 20 minutes in and the conversation

00:27:02.849 --> 00:27:05.509
feels like it wants to take a turn to the left.

00:27:06.009 --> 00:27:08.250
And when I sense that that's happening, I might

00:27:08.250 --> 00:27:11.190
check in and say, okay, so we started off saying

00:27:11.190 --> 00:27:13.829
you wanted X goal. And now it feels like we're

00:27:13.829 --> 00:27:16.430
heading in this different direction. Is X still

00:27:16.430 --> 00:27:19.650
what you want? Or is this new thread more appealing?

00:27:19.769 --> 00:27:21.170
And sometimes I'll say, no, let's go down this

00:27:21.170 --> 00:27:24.029
new road. Great. So you pivot, but you do it

00:27:24.029 --> 00:27:26.369
consciously. I had an interaction with a client

00:27:26.369 --> 00:27:30.119
one time. She's a travel agent. And so. And she

00:27:30.119 --> 00:27:32.319
was saying, I really want to talk about the business

00:27:32.319 --> 00:27:34.559
and what I have to do next. And so anyway, we're

00:27:34.559 --> 00:27:36.079
talking about it and talking about it. And by

00:27:36.079 --> 00:27:40.039
the end of the 30 minutes, we got to, I need

00:27:40.039 --> 00:27:42.140
to quit my other job so I can focus on my business.

00:27:42.339 --> 00:27:44.380
But that's not where we started. It was, how

00:27:44.380 --> 00:27:47.720
do I get more clients? And then we're talking

00:27:47.720 --> 00:27:49.500
and talking. And then she sort of says like,

00:27:50.180 --> 00:27:53.259
you know, it's the other job that I have. It's

00:27:53.259 --> 00:27:54.599
my night job that's getting in the way because

00:27:54.599 --> 00:27:56.240
I'm tired and I can't connect with people and

00:27:56.240 --> 00:27:58.509
I can't focus on my business. I think I need

00:27:58.509 --> 00:28:00.730
to quit the other job. And then, yeah, by the

00:28:00.730 --> 00:28:03.289
end of the conversation, the purpose of the call

00:28:03.289 --> 00:28:05.950
had shifted totally. And she said, yeah, I need

00:28:05.950 --> 00:28:08.690
to talk to my boss tomorrow and quit. And then

00:28:08.690 --> 00:28:10.890
the next week when I spoke to her and checked

00:28:10.890 --> 00:28:12.789
in with her, she was focused on her business

00:28:12.789 --> 00:28:14.950
because she didn't have that distraction anymore.

00:28:15.130 --> 00:28:17.730
So some conversations, you want to leave flexibility

00:28:17.730 --> 00:28:19.509
for them to take a turn because you may end up

00:28:19.509 --> 00:28:22.130
somewhere more valuable. When I enter a coaching

00:28:22.130 --> 00:28:25.109
conversation, my purpose is to provide as much

00:28:25.109 --> 00:28:27.190
value as i can for my client and they get to

00:28:27.190 --> 00:28:30.269
set the direction right so my true north is kind

00:28:30.269 --> 00:28:33.470
of clarity and insight and helping them get closer

00:28:33.470 --> 00:28:36.049
to something that rings true for them whatever

00:28:36.049 --> 00:28:38.490
that is that can change but i don't have an agenda

00:28:38.490 --> 00:28:41.250
for where the conversation needs to end but if

00:28:41.250 --> 00:28:45.529
i'm if i am trying to negotiate something a real

00:28:45.529 --> 00:28:47.750
estate deal let's say then i might have a very

00:28:47.750 --> 00:28:49.910
different purpose like i want to i want to get

00:28:49.910 --> 00:28:51.910
10 off the price and i want them to agree to

00:28:51.910 --> 00:28:53.390
it and i want to set the closing date back a

00:28:53.390 --> 00:28:55.509
month Right. So those are concrete results and

00:28:55.509 --> 00:28:57.150
I do have an agenda and I don't want to deviate

00:28:57.150 --> 00:28:59.329
much from it. If I go in to buy a house and I

00:28:59.329 --> 00:29:01.910
come out having bet $1 ,000 on the Maple Leafs

00:29:01.910 --> 00:29:05.130
game, something went sideways. All right. So

00:29:05.130 --> 00:29:07.390
I think that's a pretty clear understanding of

00:29:07.390 --> 00:29:10.069
purpose. Anything else you feel like we may need

00:29:10.069 --> 00:29:13.309
to dive into on purpose? No. This stuff becomes

00:29:13.309 --> 00:29:15.869
clearer in the doing of it. It's really an exercise

00:29:15.869 --> 00:29:18.329
you get a feel for as you go through it. And

00:29:18.329 --> 00:29:20.410
we're kind of expounding on this in a fairly

00:29:20.410 --> 00:29:22.789
long -winded way. The exercise itself doesn't

00:29:22.789 --> 00:29:24.549
have to be lengthy. Yeah, we're just trying to

00:29:24.549 --> 00:29:26.910
give you a blueprint. So let's talk about context.

00:29:27.130 --> 00:29:28.650
We've talked about results. We've talked about

00:29:28.650 --> 00:29:30.490
what you want to get. We've talked about purpose,

00:29:30.569 --> 00:29:33.750
which is why you want those things. Now let's

00:29:33.750 --> 00:29:36.950
talk about your context. Who do you need to be?

00:29:37.170 --> 00:29:40.230
What mindset do you need to bring? A lot of people,

00:29:40.269 --> 00:29:42.490
when we talk about context, they think of circumstances,

00:29:42.829 --> 00:29:45.329
what's happening, who's in the room, what the

00:29:45.329 --> 00:29:47.809
topic is. That's not what we're talking about

00:29:47.809 --> 00:29:49.569
here. We're talking about you. We're talking

00:29:49.569 --> 00:29:52.809
about... your internal way of being right your

00:29:52.809 --> 00:29:56.089
mindset your emotional state the energy that

00:29:56.089 --> 00:29:58.609
you're bringing into the room yeah it's an important

00:29:58.609 --> 00:30:00.309
distinction because typically when we when we

00:30:00.309 --> 00:30:02.170
think of context we think of background information

00:30:02.170 --> 00:30:05.250
and for the purposes of this exercise we're using

00:30:05.250 --> 00:30:07.430
the word in a very different way yeah it's just

00:30:07.430 --> 00:30:10.430
like you said it's a way of being and typically

00:30:10.430 --> 00:30:13.490
when you phrase this you want it to be just a

00:30:13.490 --> 00:30:16.690
short phrase or a couple of words that will capture

00:30:16.690 --> 00:30:18.250
the essence of something for you so it's not

00:30:18.250 --> 00:30:21.390
lengthy It's just a couple of words to remind

00:30:21.390 --> 00:30:24.589
yourself of how you want to show up. And this

00:30:24.589 --> 00:30:26.650
becomes more resonant once you've gone through

00:30:26.650 --> 00:30:28.710
the process of, okay, here are the results I

00:30:28.710 --> 00:30:30.910
want. Here's why those matter. And you've gotten

00:30:30.910 --> 00:30:33.609
to something that really speaks to you. Okay.

00:30:33.690 --> 00:30:36.430
So if I'm trying to accomplish these things and

00:30:36.430 --> 00:30:40.690
this is my deep why, who do I need to be? What

00:30:40.690 --> 00:30:43.529
energy, what stance do I want to bring to the

00:30:43.529 --> 00:30:46.130
conversation so that I can achieve that? Yeah.

00:30:46.170 --> 00:30:49.130
So if I'm going in to resolve a conflict. Do

00:30:49.130 --> 00:30:51.170
I want to be domineering and aggressive or do

00:30:51.170 --> 00:30:54.829
I want to be curious and fluid and humble or

00:30:54.829 --> 00:30:57.210
playful and light? And there's a number of different

00:30:57.210 --> 00:30:59.730
stances you can take. The key here is it's something

00:30:59.730 --> 00:31:02.170
that speaks to you, something that you can remind

00:31:02.170 --> 00:31:03.970
yourself of as you're about to walk in the door

00:31:03.970 --> 00:31:05.809
or you're about to sit down. Well, it's funny

00:31:05.809 --> 00:31:07.410
that you mentioned stance because when we had

00:31:07.410 --> 00:31:09.289
started this podcast, when we did the first one,

00:31:09.369 --> 00:31:11.210
I sent it to a couple of friends and a friend

00:31:11.210 --> 00:31:13.630
of mine, Coco, she said to me, you look a little

00:31:13.630 --> 00:31:15.349
nervous. I was like, well, yeah, it's the first

00:31:15.349 --> 00:31:17.480
one. Of course I'm nervous. And she said, well,

00:31:17.579 --> 00:31:19.019
you need to do the power stance. Do you know

00:31:19.019 --> 00:31:20.779
what the power stance is? And I was like, you

00:31:20.779 --> 00:31:22.700
mean the superhero stance where you put your,

00:31:22.700 --> 00:31:24.720
your, yeah, like that. And she's like, yeah,

00:31:24.720 --> 00:31:26.619
you need to do a power stance before you go in

00:31:26.619 --> 00:31:28.339
and you record your episodes from now on. So

00:31:28.339 --> 00:31:30.599
just stand in the mirror and do your power stance.

00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:33.160
So, I mean, that's a context, right? Like power

00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:35.759
stance. I know exactly what I'm doing if I go

00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:37.519
in and I do that. Shout out to Coco. Thank you

00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:39.420
very much for that. Hopefully I don't look as

00:31:39.420 --> 00:31:43.460
nervous anymore. I had a client who was. Going

00:31:43.460 --> 00:31:47.319
into a negotiation with her CEO, senior, she

00:31:47.319 --> 00:31:50.259
was a VP, highly successful, highly accomplished,

00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:53.579
but had been frustrated with what she perceived

00:31:53.579 --> 00:31:56.099
to be kind of not getting the respect or the

00:31:56.099 --> 00:31:58.440
resources that she needed from the CEO in order

00:31:58.440 --> 00:32:00.779
to really build out her part of the business.

00:32:01.180 --> 00:32:04.859
And she came to me for coaching because she had

00:32:04.859 --> 00:32:08.059
a sense that there was something about how she

00:32:08.059 --> 00:32:10.359
was showing up that was interfering with her

00:32:10.359 --> 00:32:12.609
ability to get. the attention and the resources

00:32:12.609 --> 00:32:14.829
that she wanted from leadership. So we worked

00:32:14.829 --> 00:32:18.509
on that and we were going through this CPR exercise

00:32:18.509 --> 00:32:20.769
and she's preparing to go in for this conversation

00:32:20.769 --> 00:32:25.470
and lay out a list of asks. And I was explaining

00:32:25.470 --> 00:32:28.549
like the context. I said, it doesn't have to

00:32:28.549 --> 00:32:31.190
make sense to anybody but you is one thing. And

00:32:31.190 --> 00:32:33.109
it's just a phrase or a couple of words that'll

00:32:33.109 --> 00:32:35.950
just kind of click you into the right state.

00:32:36.490 --> 00:32:39.210
And the context she came up with was, she sort

00:32:39.210 --> 00:32:41.990
of chuckled and I was like, What's that? She

00:32:41.990 --> 00:32:43.730
says, well, I think I got one. What's that? She

00:32:43.730 --> 00:32:47.549
says, I'm going to fuck shit up. I'm going to

00:32:47.549 --> 00:32:48.769
go in there and I'm going to fuck shit up. And

00:32:48.769 --> 00:32:51.829
that was like the context that gave her that

00:32:51.829 --> 00:32:54.269
sense of swagger and a little bit of bravado

00:32:54.269 --> 00:32:56.970
to go into the CEO. And rather than be intimidated

00:32:56.970 --> 00:33:01.809
and hesitant, it was a bold way of being. Obviously,

00:33:01.829 --> 00:33:04.390
she didn't declare that to him. This is for you.

00:33:04.450 --> 00:33:06.130
This is not something you announce. Yeah, don't

00:33:06.130 --> 00:33:07.849
go in and say, listen, I'm going to fuck shit

00:33:07.849 --> 00:33:10.690
up. Let's have this conversation. Yeah. You might,

00:33:10.750 --> 00:33:13.930
but use your judgment. Yeah. But, uh, so that

00:33:13.930 --> 00:33:15.569
was, you know, it, it spoke to her. It gave her

00:33:15.569 --> 00:33:17.230
a bit of a chuckle. It broke some of the tension

00:33:17.230 --> 00:33:20.349
and it reminded her to be a little bit, you know,

00:33:20.369 --> 00:33:21.990
a little bit of that John Wayne swagger kind

00:33:21.990 --> 00:33:23.569
of energy. Sure. Yeah. I mean, there's another

00:33:23.569 --> 00:33:25.549
one, John Wayne, right? I had a client and he

00:33:25.549 --> 00:33:27.589
said, uh, oh yeah, my contact is Stone Cold Steve

00:33:27.589 --> 00:33:29.329
Austin. It's like, what does that mean? Wow.

00:33:29.410 --> 00:33:31.289
He's an ass kicker. He goes in, he drinks beer.

00:33:31.309 --> 00:33:33.619
He doesn't take. shit from anybody you know um

00:33:33.619 --> 00:33:36.140
same sort of thing as as your client yeah so

00:33:36.140 --> 00:33:38.259
your context can be all kinds of things it can

00:33:38.259 --> 00:33:41.539
be lyrics to a song it can be a song title it

00:33:41.539 --> 00:33:44.079
could be a famous person celebrity fictional

00:33:44.079 --> 00:33:46.460
character it could be someone in your life who

00:33:46.460 --> 00:33:49.980
exudes that energy that you want yeah context

00:33:49.980 --> 00:33:52.960
is a very personal thing but once you understand

00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:55.740
what it does it's going to unlock the cpr for

00:33:55.740 --> 00:33:57.980
you this is the key piece right here is the context

00:33:58.750 --> 00:34:00.470
And when you come up with your results and your

00:34:00.470 --> 00:34:02.369
purpose, your context might just click, right?

00:34:02.789 --> 00:34:05.490
And sometimes it might take a little bit to just

00:34:05.490 --> 00:34:07.509
figure that out. This is one of the reasons I

00:34:07.509 --> 00:34:09.210
like to work it backwards. Yeah. Start with the

00:34:09.210 --> 00:34:12.130
concrete, tangible results, which are typically

00:34:12.130 --> 00:34:14.349
more grounded. They're easier to find because

00:34:14.349 --> 00:34:17.929
they're just naturally more accessible. Yep.

00:34:18.050 --> 00:34:21.050
And then the why takes a bit more digging until

00:34:21.050 --> 00:34:23.389
you get to, okay, here's my real why. My real

00:34:23.389 --> 00:34:26.800
why, yeah. Inspires me. And then having gone

00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:29.460
through all of that, the context flows more naturally.

00:34:29.559 --> 00:34:31.860
It will usually pop up pretty quickly. You'll

00:34:31.860 --> 00:34:34.239
understand like in order to get these things,

00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:37.480
this is how I need to be. This is who I need

00:34:37.480 --> 00:34:39.559
to be. This is how I need to show up. So your

00:34:39.559 --> 00:34:42.599
context will probably click pretty quickly. And

00:34:42.599 --> 00:34:45.260
there's no one right answer. No. This is a thing

00:34:45.260 --> 00:34:47.199
that you're creating for yourself because it

00:34:47.199 --> 00:34:50.099
gives you a place to stand, a place to come from.

00:34:50.619 --> 00:34:53.159
And it lights you up a little bit. It gives you

00:34:53.159 --> 00:34:55.119
some energy. It's one of these things where when

00:34:55.119 --> 00:34:57.179
you say it and it resonates, you'll naturally

00:34:57.179 --> 00:35:00.159
like snap into that. Yeah. And it'll give you

00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:03.280
a little bit of a vibe shift that you'll feel

00:35:03.280 --> 00:35:04.920
and that other people will feel. And it'll contribute

00:35:04.920 --> 00:35:07.099
to your effectiveness in the conversation. And

00:35:07.099 --> 00:35:08.800
I like that you said position too. Like you called

00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:11.599
it a position. It's a stance. It's a posture.

00:35:12.199 --> 00:35:15.079
You could make this a physical thing. And that's

00:35:15.079 --> 00:35:18.099
a good point. These things, like a way of being

00:35:18.099 --> 00:35:21.239
kind of encompasses a lot of things. It'll encompass

00:35:21.239 --> 00:35:24.099
your physicality. Because there's ways of kind

00:35:24.099 --> 00:35:26.519
of, you can slump down and be kind of meek and

00:35:26.519 --> 00:35:28.579
mousy and your body language will reflect that.

00:35:28.639 --> 00:35:30.820
Or if your body does that, then you'll feel that

00:35:30.820 --> 00:35:33.159
way because the causality goes both ways. I mean,

00:35:33.159 --> 00:35:35.199
there are a lot of exercises around body language

00:35:35.199 --> 00:35:38.480
and how you hold yourself and how that affects

00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:40.699
your mindset. And it'll affect the words you

00:35:40.699 --> 00:35:43.780
choose to use, the language, the emotional state.

00:35:43.860 --> 00:35:47.280
It's kind of the entirety of your being encapsulated

00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:49.000
in a couple of words that are useful to you.

00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:51.980
Yeah. We talked about default settings earlier.

00:35:52.380 --> 00:35:55.039
Let's just go back on that for a minute. Default

00:35:55.039 --> 00:35:58.179
settings. So we have a default way of being,

00:35:58.260 --> 00:36:00.579
right? You have a default context. Default ways

00:36:00.579 --> 00:36:02.500
of being for different scenarios. Sure. Yeah.

00:36:02.579 --> 00:36:04.800
I mean, you're a different person with your friends

00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:06.320
than you are with your family. You're a different

00:36:06.320 --> 00:36:08.139
person with your children than you are with your

00:36:08.139 --> 00:36:11.539
work colleagues. So you have a default mode of

00:36:11.539 --> 00:36:14.760
being. Be aware of that, that you have a default

00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:16.840
mode. That's the other thing. If you're not aware

00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:20.440
of what your default is, then you're kind of

00:36:20.440 --> 00:36:22.829
stuck. Yeah. And like I work with a lot of people

00:36:22.829 --> 00:36:25.829
who would consider themselves, let's say, people

00:36:25.829 --> 00:36:29.510
pleasers. And there are settings in which it's

00:36:29.510 --> 00:36:33.769
useful to be oriented towards making other people

00:36:33.769 --> 00:36:36.449
happy. Like if you're in customer support or

00:36:36.449 --> 00:36:39.690
customer success, it's good to be a people pleaser.

00:36:39.750 --> 00:36:42.849
You want to please your customers. But when you're

00:36:42.849 --> 00:36:45.429
feeling overwhelmed because you've taken on too

00:36:45.429 --> 00:36:47.590
many commitments and someone comes by or your

00:36:47.590 --> 00:36:49.050
boss comes by and says, hey, can you handle this

00:36:49.050 --> 00:36:51.840
one more thing? And your default is to just say

00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:54.579
yes, even though the truth would be probably

00:36:54.579 --> 00:36:57.519
no. This is one of those instances where you

00:36:57.519 --> 00:36:59.699
want to consciously override the default. So

00:36:59.699 --> 00:37:01.559
even though the default is useful to you, perhaps

00:37:01.559 --> 00:37:03.860
in some settings, there are other settings in

00:37:03.860 --> 00:37:06.539
which it's suboptimal. And you want to have the

00:37:06.539 --> 00:37:08.880
key thing here is that it's a conscious choice.

00:37:09.139 --> 00:37:11.260
Yeah. I was listening to another podcast called

00:37:11.260 --> 00:37:13.599
Diary of a CEO, and I forget who the guest is.

00:37:13.659 --> 00:37:15.659
I wish I could remember. But in any case, he

00:37:15.659 --> 00:37:17.260
was saying, you know, if you consider yourself

00:37:17.260 --> 00:37:20.780
a messy person, then. When there's a mess, it's

00:37:20.780 --> 00:37:23.099
not going to bother you. But if you consider

00:37:23.099 --> 00:37:26.679
yourself to be a tidy person, as soon as there's

00:37:26.679 --> 00:37:29.039
a mess around, that part of your brain that considers

00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:31.219
yourself to be a tidy person goes, well, I'm

00:37:31.219 --> 00:37:33.340
a tidy person. We can't have messes here. And

00:37:33.340 --> 00:37:35.400
he was talking about reprogramming your way of

00:37:35.400 --> 00:37:37.679
being. Even if you do consider yourself to be

00:37:37.679 --> 00:37:39.519
a messy person, if you start telling yourself,

00:37:39.699 --> 00:37:42.199
no, I'm a tidy person, that's going to start

00:37:42.199 --> 00:37:44.440
to kick in. It's one of the big books that came

00:37:44.440 --> 00:37:45.980
out on habits a few years ago. It might've been

00:37:45.980 --> 00:37:49.110
either Atomic Habits or... There were a couple

00:37:49.110 --> 00:37:50.469
of books on habits. I think I read them both,

00:37:50.489 --> 00:37:54.329
but in one of them, they talk about habits, not

00:37:54.329 --> 00:37:56.110
just on the level of what you're doing, but if

00:37:56.110 --> 00:37:58.670
you can connect them to your identity, then it

00:37:58.670 --> 00:38:01.750
becomes much more powerful. So it's not just,

00:38:01.789 --> 00:38:04.630
I want to work out five days a week. It's, I

00:38:04.630 --> 00:38:06.650
want to be the kind of person who does that.

00:38:06.849 --> 00:38:09.630
I'm a fitness guy. Now it's identity. It's not

00:38:09.630 --> 00:38:11.710
just, I want to do the thing called working out.

00:38:11.750 --> 00:38:15.570
It's, I - That's who I am. I'm a fitness enthusiast

00:38:15.570 --> 00:38:18.469
or I'm a fit person and it's - It just gets into

00:38:18.469 --> 00:38:22.230
your being much deeper. So again, just be aware

00:38:22.230 --> 00:38:25.389
of your defaults. If you're not, you can always

00:38:25.389 --> 00:38:27.690
ask people around, like, how do I show up for

00:38:27.690 --> 00:38:30.090
you? That's always great. It's a scary question

00:38:30.090 --> 00:38:32.690
to ask. We have lots of different ways of being.

00:38:32.889 --> 00:38:34.489
Yeah, yeah. Make sure to narrow the question.

00:38:34.650 --> 00:38:36.929
Like, how do I show up in arguments or in conflict?

00:38:37.090 --> 00:38:39.690
Right. Or how do I show up in unfamiliar social

00:38:39.690 --> 00:38:43.449
settings or whatever the situation is? And you

00:38:43.449 --> 00:38:46.090
may notice patterns. And we all have... Domains

00:38:46.090 --> 00:38:47.469
where we're more confident and domains where

00:38:47.469 --> 00:38:49.010
we're less confident, for example, some people

00:38:49.010 --> 00:38:51.550
are super confident in a one -on -one conversation,

00:38:51.809 --> 00:38:53.489
but get really nervous public speaking. Yeah.

00:38:53.550 --> 00:38:56.070
Other people are kind of the reverse. They're

00:38:56.070 --> 00:38:59.510
socially awkward in small groups, but come to

00:38:59.510 --> 00:39:02.190
life on stage. Think of Michael Jackson. Right.

00:39:02.230 --> 00:39:05.130
Right? Yeah. Just a dynamo on stage, but a little

00:39:05.130 --> 00:39:08.809
bit awkward in an interview. Very true. We all

00:39:08.809 --> 00:39:10.570
have domains where we show up differently in

00:39:10.570 --> 00:39:12.570
different settings. Yeah. And sometimes it works

00:39:12.570 --> 00:39:16.300
for us, and sometimes it doesn't. or is not as

00:39:16.300 --> 00:39:18.199
effective as it could be. Also, something to

00:39:18.199 --> 00:39:20.800
be aware of is your state when you walk in. So

00:39:20.800 --> 00:39:23.320
say you're having a conversation, you're frustrated,

00:39:23.460 --> 00:39:25.820
you're worried. Checking in with that context

00:39:25.820 --> 00:39:30.059
can just sort of dispel all of that momentary

00:39:30.059 --> 00:39:33.559
stuff as well. So that context is going to shape

00:39:33.559 --> 00:39:35.920
everything for you. If I walk in the door and

00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:37.659
I'm upset because I was just sitting in traffic

00:39:37.659 --> 00:39:41.380
and someone was a jerk and everything else, that's

00:39:41.380 --> 00:39:43.619
what I'm sitting in. And if you're like most

00:39:43.619 --> 00:39:46.130
people, Who you are when you're frustrated, stuck

00:39:46.130 --> 00:39:48.190
in traffic is probably not going to be the most

00:39:48.190 --> 00:39:50.610
effective in any setting. Not even that one.

00:39:50.889 --> 00:39:53.389
No, no, not even that one. Yeah. You come home

00:39:53.389 --> 00:39:55.010
from work, you're frustrated at traffic. You

00:39:55.010 --> 00:39:57.130
don't want to take it out on your family. No,

00:39:57.190 --> 00:39:58.710
but we do. That's what I'm saying. Like that's

00:39:58.710 --> 00:40:00.250
that default way of being right. Cause I know

00:40:00.250 --> 00:40:02.590
it lives in my body when I'm frustrated, you

00:40:02.590 --> 00:40:04.289
know, I'm slumped forward and I'm angry. And

00:40:04.289 --> 00:40:08.070
so opening up and just taking a new stance, taking

00:40:08.070 --> 00:40:11.429
a new position, taking on a new context. So we

00:40:11.429 --> 00:40:14.010
talked about quite a bit here. The whole intention

00:40:14.010 --> 00:40:16.329
setting exercise. You've got some kind of interaction.

00:40:16.849 --> 00:40:18.809
It's a conversation, a meeting, a presentation,

00:40:19.170 --> 00:40:23.030
an interview, a date, a performance, anything

00:40:23.030 --> 00:40:25.869
that's coming up where you've got an intention

00:40:25.869 --> 00:40:28.230
you're trying to realize and you want to get

00:40:28.230 --> 00:40:30.170
clear on what that is. So rather than just going

00:40:30.170 --> 00:40:33.409
in with a vaguely defined sense of what this

00:40:33.409 --> 00:40:35.510
is about and then winging it and hoping for the

00:40:35.510 --> 00:40:38.889
best, what we're advocating is going through

00:40:38.889 --> 00:40:42.090
this quick, quick -ish exercise. Usually it takes

00:40:42.090 --> 00:40:44.519
me... 20 minutes, let's say, but to write a CPR.

00:40:44.619 --> 00:40:46.519
Yeah. And the first few times you do it, it might

00:40:46.519 --> 00:40:48.739
take a bit longer, but like anything, you get

00:40:48.739 --> 00:40:51.179
better at it with practice for sure. But it's

00:40:51.179 --> 00:40:53.519
such a high leverage thing to do because the

00:40:53.519 --> 00:40:55.579
20 minutes or so half an hour at most that you

00:40:55.579 --> 00:40:58.219
spend getting clear on what are the results I

00:40:58.219 --> 00:41:01.000
want? Why are these results important to me?

00:41:01.019 --> 00:41:04.280
And how do I want to show up for this interaction

00:41:04.280 --> 00:41:06.760
in order to achieve those? Now you go in with

00:41:06.760 --> 00:41:11.039
this laser focused crystal clarity on why you're

00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:13.130
there, what you're doing. And how you're going

00:41:13.130 --> 00:41:16.429
to be. Do you really need to experience this

00:41:16.429 --> 00:41:19.170
to get how effective? It is a game changer. It

00:41:19.170 --> 00:41:21.369
really is. Here's something you can reflect on.

00:41:21.849 --> 00:41:23.909
What's a context you've been slipping into lately

00:41:23.909 --> 00:41:27.250
without realizing it? Are you showing up checked

00:41:27.250 --> 00:41:29.250
out? Are you showing up frustrated from traffic?

00:41:29.550 --> 00:41:31.409
Are you trying to be the smartest person in the

00:41:31.409 --> 00:41:34.829
room? Are you showing up guarded in spaces where

00:41:34.829 --> 00:41:37.300
you don't need to be guarded? And what would

00:41:37.300 --> 00:41:39.300
happen if you were to choose a different context?

00:41:39.440 --> 00:41:41.119
Just choose an interaction where you want to

00:41:41.119 --> 00:41:43.539
choose a different context and see how that lands.

00:41:43.820 --> 00:41:47.880
That question alone is game changing. Just reflecting

00:41:47.880 --> 00:41:50.940
on how you've been showing up lately, just pausing

00:41:50.940 --> 00:41:54.280
to take stock and ask yourself what unconscious

00:41:54.280 --> 00:41:57.039
mode you've slipped into. That alone is huge

00:41:57.039 --> 00:41:58.719
because now you can see it and it's like, oh,

00:41:58.719 --> 00:42:01.059
I've been showing up kind of half checked out

00:42:01.059 --> 00:42:02.579
or maybe I've been phoning it in at work lately.

00:42:02.840 --> 00:42:06.659
Hmm. Is that how I want to be? Yeah. Is that

00:42:06.659 --> 00:42:08.420
the kind of worker you want to be? Is that the

00:42:08.420 --> 00:42:10.519
kind of parent you want to be? Is that the kind

00:42:10.519 --> 00:42:13.159
of partner you want to be in a relationship?

00:42:13.340 --> 00:42:16.579
So just take a moment, anything, especially if

00:42:16.579 --> 00:42:18.659
something's not working right now, what is your

00:42:18.659 --> 00:42:21.860
default way of being and what context might help

00:42:21.860 --> 00:42:24.780
you better? Super useful. Just pausing and asking

00:42:24.780 --> 00:42:28.059
that little introspective question will pop you

00:42:28.059 --> 00:42:30.800
into the next level of self -awareness and awareness

00:42:30.800 --> 00:42:35.090
comes choice. Yeah. So let's recap it. If you're

00:42:35.090 --> 00:42:38.210
making a CPR, you're choosing your results. And

00:42:38.210 --> 00:42:40.190
then that's what you want to walk away with.

00:42:40.829 --> 00:42:43.269
That's going to inform your purpose. Why are

00:42:43.269 --> 00:42:46.530
you doing this? And then that's going to illuminate

00:42:46.530 --> 00:42:48.869
a context. Who do you need to be? What mindset

00:42:48.869 --> 00:42:51.469
do you need to bring in? It's amazing how we

00:42:51.469 --> 00:42:55.110
plan for all sorts of things instinctively. If

00:42:55.110 --> 00:42:57.250
you've got a long, complicated project or a home

00:42:57.250 --> 00:43:01.130
renovation or even a party or a trip. You know,

00:43:01.130 --> 00:43:02.590
you'll sit down and you'll make a plan. You'll

00:43:02.590 --> 00:43:04.170
make a grocery list and you'll make a guest list

00:43:04.170 --> 00:43:06.489
and you'll figure out how many plastic cups do

00:43:06.489 --> 00:43:08.250
I need? Right. All that stuff. You plan for these

00:43:08.250 --> 00:43:10.289
things because you want them to go well. And

00:43:10.289 --> 00:43:13.409
yet we don't think to do this when it comes to

00:43:13.409 --> 00:43:16.349
an interaction with other people. Yeah. Really,

00:43:16.489 --> 00:43:19.329
that's all this is, is a simple structure and

00:43:19.329 --> 00:43:23.789
a framework for planning so that a conversation

00:43:23.789 --> 00:43:25.869
that is important to you or an interaction that's

00:43:25.869 --> 00:43:28.110
important to you goes well. Yeah. And you owe

00:43:28.110 --> 00:43:31.230
it to yourself to do that because. Our lives

00:43:31.230 --> 00:43:34.889
turn on some of these pivotal conversations.

00:43:35.070 --> 00:43:37.289
Sure, yeah. Our conversations don't, not much

00:43:37.289 --> 00:43:39.449
turns on them. If you're just kind of shooting

00:43:39.449 --> 00:43:41.190
the breeze with friends, then great. Then your

00:43:41.190 --> 00:43:42.929
purpose is just to have fun and connect. Awesome.

00:43:43.269 --> 00:43:45.949
No preparation needed, probably. But if you think

00:43:45.949 --> 00:43:48.510
back over the course of your life, there have

00:43:48.510 --> 00:43:51.690
been several conversations that totally altered

00:43:51.690 --> 00:43:54.550
the course of your life. You ask that person

00:43:54.550 --> 00:43:57.349
out on a date. and they ended up being your spouse,

00:43:57.510 --> 00:43:59.449
and now you have a family with them. That's a

00:43:59.449 --> 00:44:01.369
conversation that was pivotal. You had a hard

00:44:01.369 --> 00:44:04.210
conversation with a family member about a defining

00:44:04.210 --> 00:44:06.809
moment in an interaction that you had with them.

00:44:06.949 --> 00:44:08.730
Absolutely. There's been maybe a resentment you've

00:44:08.730 --> 00:44:10.969
been holding onto for years or decades, and you

00:44:10.969 --> 00:44:13.989
finally addressed it, and it changed the quality

00:44:13.989 --> 00:44:16.849
of that relationship, or you worked up the courage

00:44:16.849 --> 00:44:19.969
to go and ask your boss for that promotion or

00:44:19.969 --> 00:44:22.070
that new assignment. You don't always know in

00:44:22.070 --> 00:44:23.949
advance which conversations are going to change

00:44:23.949 --> 00:44:25.670
the course of your life. Yeah, that's true. Sometimes

00:44:25.670 --> 00:44:27.409
you just think you're talking to a stranger at

00:44:27.409 --> 00:44:30.190
a party. And then 10 years later, you realize

00:44:30.190 --> 00:44:31.909
this is, I've been in the relationship with this

00:44:31.909 --> 00:44:33.650
person 10 years, and now we have a dog and two

00:44:33.650 --> 00:44:35.690
kids or whatever. And you didn't know that in

00:44:35.690 --> 00:44:38.730
advance. Sometimes you do have a sense in advance

00:44:38.730 --> 00:44:41.070
that this conversation is going to matter. And

00:44:41.070 --> 00:44:44.130
when you have a sense that this matters and the

00:44:44.130 --> 00:44:46.650
outcome is important, it's so high leverage to

00:44:46.650 --> 00:44:49.480
take an extra 20 minutes, 30 minutes. prepare

00:44:49.480 --> 00:44:51.679
for it in this way yeah the cpr just it helps

00:44:51.679 --> 00:44:54.699
you set an intention and it helps you have an

00:44:54.699 --> 00:44:58.719
interaction that just has clarity around it clarity

00:44:58.719 --> 00:45:01.079
i think is you nailed it there that's really

00:45:01.079 --> 00:45:04.320
what this is clarity of intention and when you've

00:45:04.320 --> 00:45:07.619
got that clarity of focus you become really unstoppable

00:45:07.619 --> 00:45:11.440
it'll tell you also what to respond to and what

00:45:11.440 --> 00:45:14.380
to ignore and how to react to what life throws

00:45:14.380 --> 00:45:16.599
at you we have a mutual friend who i've spoken

00:45:16.599 --> 00:45:19.750
to about CPRs on a couple of different occasions

00:45:19.750 --> 00:45:21.929
because we've needed to use them in different

00:45:21.929 --> 00:45:24.230
interactions. And he said to me, I have a CPR

00:45:24.230 --> 00:45:27.590
for every moment of my life. He said, I don't

00:45:27.590 --> 00:45:30.090
sit down and write it, but like I pick a context

00:45:30.090 --> 00:45:32.230
everywhere I go. I know what I want to achieve

00:45:32.230 --> 00:45:34.349
and I know who I want to be. And I know the purpose

00:45:34.349 --> 00:45:36.510
of why I'm doing those things. And I just set

00:45:36.510 --> 00:45:40.449
an intention and I set a mindset and that's it.

00:45:40.989 --> 00:45:42.969
Yeah. If you do this enough, it can become almost

00:45:42.969 --> 00:45:48.170
like you get in the habit of consciously charting

00:45:48.170 --> 00:45:49.710
a course through your life. Yeah. Which is super

00:45:49.710 --> 00:45:52.610
useful. Yeah. I would just encourage people to

00:45:52.610 --> 00:45:54.670
give it a shot. So think about some kind of interaction

00:45:54.670 --> 00:45:56.630
you've got coming up, whatever that might be,

00:45:56.710 --> 00:46:00.829
and take a few minutes, follow this exercise

00:46:00.829 --> 00:46:02.889
to prepare for it. And we would love to hear

00:46:02.889 --> 00:46:05.869
how the interaction goes, but equally importantly,

00:46:05.869 --> 00:46:07.389
we'd love to hear what your experience is like

00:46:07.389 --> 00:46:10.530
of following this framework. What did you notice

00:46:10.530 --> 00:46:14.550
about yourself and your relationship to the interaction

00:46:14.550 --> 00:46:16.800
as you went through this? preparation exercise

00:46:16.800 --> 00:46:20.980
and uh if you like this give us a thumbs up and

00:46:20.980 --> 00:46:23.460
subscribe if you want more content and you know

00:46:23.460 --> 00:46:25.280
as always we hope this was useful thanks for

00:46:25.280 --> 00:46:25.639
tuning in