Apologies That Don't Suck

WEBVTT

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That's just a continuation of the fight. Pretty

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much. While pretending to be trying to end it.

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It's the sneakiest thing. And it's just, it's

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lies, it's lies. Don't lie to people. Chris,

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I'm sorry you're wrong. Exactly. Yes, I'm sorry

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I'm wrong too. Welcome to Making Yourself Clear.

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I'm Chris. I'm Patrick. Today we're going to

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talk about how to apologize. That's a good one.

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Yeah. Not the sorry, not sorry kind of apology.

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Not the I'm sorry you feel that way kind of apology.

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Not the I'm sorry you're so wrong about this.

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There's lots of ways apologies land flat or actually

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make things worse. I would say that they're not

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apologies. Those are not apologies. No, they're

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lies. Lies that you tell yourself. Lies that

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you tell others. They're ways of trying to be

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right while making it look like you're apologizing.

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They're kind of the... The worst kind of lie

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where it's like, look how virtuous I am while

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I do a thing that pisses you off even more. So

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we don't want to get defensive. We don't want

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this to be performative, right? And we don't

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want it to be a non -apology where it's, oh,

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I'm sorry that you feel that way. Right. We're

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talking about the actual, real repairing, restorative,

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bridge -building, ego -swallowing, empathic apology

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with the intent of having the other person feel

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whole. Yeah. after a rupture, and then where

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you invite them back into relationship with you.

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That's right, yeah. So instead of it being about

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us and relieving that pressure and just feeling

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better about ourselves, actually, like you said,

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reconstructing, repairing, building that bridge

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back, or leaving space for it to happen eventually

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if that's not where a person is right away. Yeah,

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and preamble here, we've all messed up. Every

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single living human has messed up at some point.

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And that's OK. You know, there's a lot to be

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said for how you repair after the rupture. And

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even in relationship psychology, they talk about

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the rupture repair cycle where there's a fight

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or an argument or some kind of break in trust

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or relatedness. And when people come back together

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and can repair effectively after that, the relationship

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actually ends up stronger than it was even before

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the rupture happened. Yeah. So this can be. It

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can be uncomfortable. It can feel awkward. It

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can be scary. But if it's done well, it's an

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opportunity to strengthen the relationship and

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come out of it even stronger than it was before

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the rupture in the first place. And there's no

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relationship that's going to occur with zero

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issue. You're going to, at some point, come up

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against something with a person that you're in

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relationship with. So being able to navigate

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those waters is important. Equally important

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is being able to navigate an apology if and when

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one is required, which most certainly is going

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to happen. Totally. Yeah, absolutely. So why

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don't we start with talking about why most apologies

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fail? Why do they fall flat? Why do they make

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things worse? How do they go sideways? I mean,

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the first thing is like we talked about, you

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know, people show up and they give non -apology

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apologies or they don't apologize properly or

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from a place of actual ownership, right? So let's

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talk about some of the non -apology apologies

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and we can, these will likely ring familiar,

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but why don't we cover a few of them to get a

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sense of all of the things that people commonly

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do that don't work. Okay. Well, one that I have

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experienced a number of times is I'm sorry you

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feel that way. Right. I'm sorry you feel that

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way. So what's wrong with that? It absolves the

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person of any actual wrongdoing and it makes

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it my fault that I'm feeling a certain way. Right.

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It's about your irrational response rather than

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the thing that I did that impacted you. That's

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right. Right. The other thing about it is an

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apology is about taking responsibility for something

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and no one can be responsible for another person's

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feelings. Your feelings are inside of your skin

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and your nervous system. So I can't. Unless I've

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got like a Neuralink probe and I'm pushing the

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wrong buttons, I can't control that directly.

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Yeah, so it makes it my fault that we had an

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argument. There's two things. One is that, that

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it's sort of, I'm trying to blame you while apologizing.

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Like, I'm sorry you're so irrational, which is

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sneaky. That's like, it's an insult masked, like

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hiding behind a fake apology. But the other piece

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is, what has an apology work is when it's genuine,

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when it rings true. And in order for it to ring

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true, you've... You've got to be apologizing

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for something that you had control over. Right.

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Which is not their feelings. It's your action.

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Right. I can control what I said. I can control

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how I said it. Those are things I can apologize

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for. I can also apologize for my intention. If

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I had a shitty intention towards you. Right.

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And that came across in my tone of voice, my

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word choice, my body language. I can own all

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of that. I can also own the impact, even though.

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even though I don't control how you're impacted

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by something, that's kind of the next level is

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I did the following and I get that that led to

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a certain impact on you. And I can take some

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responsibility for that, even though I didn't,

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but that's very different from saying, I'm sorry,

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you feel that way. Yeah. It's I'm sorry. I said

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the thing I said, and I get that. I get that

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you felt this way in response. So you're getting

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an actual understanding of why I'm feeling that

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way instead of just saying like, listen, it's

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bullshit that you're hurt or upset or angry.

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And I'm sorry that you're angry. There you go.

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Here's your apology. The difference is the causality.

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I'm with an effective apology. I am owning what

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I did and I'm acknowledging the causal link between

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what I did and how you feel. That's right. As

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opposed to just, I'm sorry. you feel that way,

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which kind of pushes it away, pushes the causality

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back onto you. Yeah. So there's your non -apology

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apology. We've also got defensive apologies.

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You ever had one of those? Sure. Yeah. I'm sorry,

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but you know, in fairness, you were being difficult.

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Yeah. Right. So that's the apology. And then

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immediately a justification for why it was right

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that I did what I did or why it's still on you

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that I did. You're not really owning it. Not

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really an apology. You're not really owning it.

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You're saying, you know, listen, if you had not

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been such a jerk or if you had just listened

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to me better, then we wouldn't be having this

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issue. Yeah, that's just a continuation of the

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fight. Pretty much. While pretending to be trying

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to end it. It's the sneakiest thing. And it's

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just, it's lies, it's lies. Don't lie to people.

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Chris, I'm sorry you're wrong. Exactly. Yes,

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I'm sorry I'm wrong too. Yeah. And then we, so

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we've got your non -apology apology. We've got

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your defensive apology. There are performative

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apologies, which are kind of non -apologies as

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well. I said, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. What else do

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you want from me? What do you want from me? I

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said, sorry. Yeah. With an eye roll and the sarcasm.

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Or those really hollow apologies, right? That

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are not actually apologies. People are just trying

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to end whatever conversation is happening. Like

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if I say, sorry, will you shut up? Right. Yeah,

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yeah. Is this the magic incantation that ends

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the conversation? Yeah, if I say I'm sorry, will

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you feel like you've won and thereby end this

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conversation? Right, I'm sorry, Patrick. There

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you go. Yeah, so the common thread through all

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of those, there's a few things. One is you're

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not actually taking responsibility for anything.

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And two is there's something disingenuous about

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it, right? Like you're smuggling in an intention

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that is other than... the set of intentions that

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are prerequisite for an effective apology. Yeah.

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It's all about, we said, you know, relief versus

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repair, right? So are you trying to just relieve

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yourself of any wrongdoing or are you actually

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trying to repair the damage that's been done?

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Yeah. And so the fundamental question you want

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to ask yourself is, is the apology about you

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or is it about them? Right. Because if it's about

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you, either justifying yourself, trying to be

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right, or even just easing your own conscience,

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it's still a selfish apology with the focus and

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the intention on your needs. And that's always

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going to fall flat. So we would say that a good

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apology wouldn't be about easing your own guilt.

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It would be about acknowledging the hurt and

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then doing what you can to actually repair the

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relationship. Yeah. We've all experienced these

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disingenuous kinds of apologies and they leave

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us feeling either empty or It falls flat at best.

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At worst, it makes us even angrier. Even angrier,

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yeah. Right? That's been my experience. In contrast,

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if you've received a really effective apology,

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it can be really moving. You feel touched and

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seen and validated. Yeah. And as you said, it

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can be the foundation for an even stronger relationship

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going forward. And it's deeply healing. And why

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is it healing? It's because there you are in

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some state of hurt or betrayal or upset. in response

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to something someone else said or did. And when

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they can really show you that they get your experience,

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they get what they did and they get how it impacted

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you. And when they can state that in their own

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words and say like, I did a thing that hurt you

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and I get how that made you feel and I'm really

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sorry. It's like all of the weight and all of

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the pain and all the suffering from it, they

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kind of melt away. I mean, that's an important

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part of just communicating in general with people

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is just that when you feel seen by someone else,

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it's truly moving. It is. It is. So this is something

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to keep in mind, right? You're apologizing for

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them, not for you. So if we want to apologize

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properly, right? We don't want it to be a performative

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apology or an empty apology or a non -apology.

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If we're looking to create a genuine apology

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where a person feels understood, felt. heard

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and appreciated and it's genuine, how do we build

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an apology? Yeah. So there's some mindset headspace

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stuff going into it. Okay. Recognizing that apologizing

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requires humility. There's that old, it's an

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Elton John song, story is the hardest word. Something

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like that. This is tough, but it requires swallowing

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your own ego and getting yourself out of the

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way. But it's easier when you can make it not

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about you. Like make it about the other person,

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put your attention on them and you're less likely

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to get hijacked by your own shame, guilt, defenses.

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It's just recognize the other person is a sentient

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human being having a full, complete human experience

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over there. And you're trying to bridge the gap,

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get over to their world and speak to them in

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their experience. And you can get yourself out

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of the way, get your ego out of the way. Realize

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that in their life, you're just a... supporting

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character just like they are in yours yeah lose

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the main character syndrome lose the main character

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syndrome right and get into their world so we're

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gonna drop our ego and approach it with actual

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humility a lot of times what people get hung

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up on is well i apologized so now you have to

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forgive me right and there's no entitlement there

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you don't you don't get forgiveness just because

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you apologize it would be nice but um the apology

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is if it comes from a place of I'm giving this

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to you so that I get something in return. Like

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an apology is not meant to be a reciprocal. It's

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not transactional. It doesn't imply entitlement

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to forgiveness right away or on any particular

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timeline. Yeah. It's you're just owning what

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you did and how it impacted the other person

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for the sake of it. And then it's an invitation.

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Right. For them to reconnect with you. Yeah.

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And forgive if they choose to. And they will

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or they won't. We can't control what other people

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do. And so let it go of your expectations and

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apologize just because for the sake of your own

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integrity, it's the right thing to do. It's the

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right thing. And it's the best chance you have

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of repairing the relationship and having that

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person be willing to reconnect with you. But

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you can't force it. And you want to give up the

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expectation so that you don't feel entitled to

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it. I feel like that's a huge pitfall for people

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is the expectation of forgiveness. That's going

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to be a tough one. But if you can swallow your

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ego and you can get to a point where you're just

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offering the apology for the other person, that's

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a great foundation. It's a great basis to start

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your apology. Yeah. So let's break down what

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is the anatomy of a real apology? Because the

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good news is there's a... structure to it. There

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are a few key ingredients that if you include

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them, this is what will make an apology feel

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complete. So the first part is ownership. And

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this is you taking ownership over a couple of

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things, mainly what you did or said that caused

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the hurt or the upset in the other person. So

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you're naming what you did without excuses and

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without justification. So it's just, I said X

00:12:37.870 --> 00:12:41.580
or Y, I did this, this thing. Right. No excuses,

00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.899
no justifications. Just name what you did factually

00:12:43.899 --> 00:12:46.960
and then own the impact, the way that that impacted

00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:49.080
the other person. So what do we mean when we

00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:51.759
say impact? We're talking about, I said, I don't

00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:53.320
like the shirt you're wearing and you got upset.

00:12:53.519 --> 00:12:55.220
Is that what we're talking about? So impact can

00:12:55.220 --> 00:12:57.740
show up in lots of ways. Sometimes it's material,

00:12:57.960 --> 00:13:02.399
like, I'm sorry I crashed your car and that inconvenienced

00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:04.340
you and you had to make an insurance claim. And,

00:13:04.340 --> 00:13:06.620
you know, like there's physical material impact

00:13:06.620 --> 00:13:09.840
sometimes. Oftentimes it's the emotional impact

00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:13.799
that's the Okay. The more substantive. So you

00:13:13.799 --> 00:13:16.700
might've been made to feel a certain way. Yeah.

00:13:17.100 --> 00:13:19.600
Yeah. I feel like most of the time when we're

00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:23.019
apologizing for something, though, those are

00:13:23.019 --> 00:13:26.200
the impacts that we're really looking to, to,

00:13:26.299 --> 00:13:29.659
um, repair. Right. Yeah. You crashed my car.

00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.490
That's upsetting. But the bigger thing is, is

00:13:33.490 --> 00:13:35.950
that I trusted you. And now that trust is broken

00:13:35.950 --> 00:13:38.389
because I said, you know, be careful. Or I said,

00:13:38.389 --> 00:13:40.809
don't drive drunk. And you did or whatever, you

00:13:40.809 --> 00:13:43.710
know, whatever it was. One that came up for me,

00:13:43.769 --> 00:13:46.669
I'm going to tell one of myself here, but earlier

00:13:46.669 --> 00:13:50.490
in my life, I had a nasty habit of being late

00:13:50.490 --> 00:13:54.769
for things. I'm better at it now, but this was

00:13:54.769 --> 00:13:58.070
an issue for a while. And my sister is someone

00:13:58.070 --> 00:14:01.169
who's. She's meticulously punctual. She's never

00:14:01.169 --> 00:14:04.149
late. And she takes it seriously because she

00:14:04.149 --> 00:14:07.149
values and respects other people's time. And

00:14:07.149 --> 00:14:10.649
so, you know, after a fairly long history of

00:14:10.649 --> 00:14:13.509
being late with her, she kind of lost it on me.

00:14:13.690 --> 00:14:17.210
And I had to, you know, I had to apologize. Part

00:14:17.210 --> 00:14:19.110
of the impact was, you know, not just I'm sorry

00:14:19.110 --> 00:14:21.009
I was late this time, but I'm sorry I have a

00:14:21.009 --> 00:14:24.230
long history of being late with you. In some

00:14:24.230 --> 00:14:26.809
cases, we'd made plans together and then I was

00:14:26.809 --> 00:14:29.240
late. And in the time that I was late, you could

00:14:29.240 --> 00:14:31.139
have done something else. Like if I canceled

00:14:31.139 --> 00:14:32.620
at the last minute, she could have gone to the

00:14:32.620 --> 00:14:33.960
gym and she didn't get to have a workout that

00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:36.120
day. Right. So it may have impacted like the

00:14:36.120 --> 00:14:40.059
practicality of her day. Right. Also, I know

00:14:40.059 --> 00:14:43.919
it has you feel disrespected and frustrated and

00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:46.960
angry. And it also hurts your trust in me. So

00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:48.860
that's other impact is I lose credibility with

00:14:48.860 --> 00:14:50.460
you and you're now hesitant to make plans with

00:14:50.460 --> 00:14:51.980
me. Yeah. If you don't trust, I'm going to show

00:14:51.980 --> 00:14:54.379
up on time. So there's a few flavors of impact

00:14:54.379 --> 00:14:57.629
there. There's like practical, emotional. And

00:14:57.629 --> 00:15:02.070
then the credibility piece, right? And you may

00:15:02.070 --> 00:15:04.070
have to sit down and think about this and make

00:15:04.070 --> 00:15:06.549
notes on like, what is the scope of the impact

00:15:06.549 --> 00:15:09.629
of the thing that I did or failed to do or said?

00:15:09.730 --> 00:15:12.330
And the more completed picture you can paint

00:15:12.330 --> 00:15:15.529
of what all of that impact is, every time you

00:15:15.529 --> 00:15:18.809
name a bit of this impact you've had, it's almost

00:15:18.809 --> 00:15:21.710
like you tap it and it disappears. You know,

00:15:21.750 --> 00:15:24.549
it's like naming it is often enough to... If

00:15:24.549 --> 00:15:26.409
you don't name that you caused that impact, the

00:15:26.409 --> 00:15:29.090
other person's left wondering if you know. They

00:15:29.090 --> 00:15:30.950
know because they felt the impact. Of course.

00:15:31.169 --> 00:15:33.710
So for you to clean the mess up, you're kind

00:15:33.710 --> 00:15:36.210
of taking inventory of what that mess looks like.

00:15:36.350 --> 00:15:38.309
So a good technique here would be to just pause,

00:15:38.529 --> 00:15:42.250
reflect, and create some ownership, right? Sometimes

00:15:42.250 --> 00:15:44.190
we don't have time. We apologize in the moment

00:15:44.190 --> 00:15:46.370
or we're in the middle of a conversation. If

00:15:46.370 --> 00:15:48.649
you have the time, take the time to reflect.

00:15:49.429 --> 00:15:54.379
Sit down and name the impacts. Without making

00:15:54.379 --> 00:15:55.940
excuses for yourself, because that's the other

00:15:55.940 --> 00:15:57.580
thing that sometimes we do, right? We'll make

00:15:57.580 --> 00:16:01.279
excuses. So without excuse, where are the impacts

00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:03.919
and own them? And here's the other piece is,

00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:06.960
you know, when you show up late and it impacts

00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:10.240
your sister, you're not intending to have those

00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:12.559
impacts. That's not your intention. But your

00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:14.259
intentions don't really matter at that point

00:16:14.259 --> 00:16:16.720
because you've still had those impacts. When

00:16:16.720 --> 00:16:19.159
this is a really critical point to make, there's

00:16:19.159 --> 00:16:22.730
often the, they call it the intention. versus

00:16:22.730 --> 00:16:26.289
impact gap right so sometimes we may we may say

00:16:26.289 --> 00:16:28.970
something you make a joke at a party and someone

00:16:28.970 --> 00:16:31.570
is hurt by it right now your intention may have

00:16:31.570 --> 00:16:33.649
had nothing to do with that you had it was not

00:16:33.649 --> 00:16:35.549
even on your radar screen that that offhand comment

00:16:35.549 --> 00:16:37.090
no you just thought it was funny insult somebody

00:16:37.090 --> 00:16:39.149
or hurt them but the impact's there nonetheless

00:16:39.149 --> 00:16:43.169
and so you can make that distinction like i you

00:16:43.169 --> 00:16:45.970
know i i am so sorry i It was not my intention

00:16:45.970 --> 00:16:48.509
for that comment to be hurtful, but I get that

00:16:48.509 --> 00:16:50.490
it was. Yeah. And if your intention was to be

00:16:50.490 --> 00:16:52.049
hurtful, then you want to own that too. Sure.

00:16:52.090 --> 00:16:53.649
You know what? I said that nasty thing, and in

00:16:53.649 --> 00:16:54.990
the moment, I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to

00:16:54.990 --> 00:16:56.450
hurt your feelings. I wanted to, yeah. And that

00:16:56.450 --> 00:16:59.429
was nasty. So if you did have a hurtful intent,

00:16:59.669 --> 00:17:02.149
definitely own that. Absolutely, yeah. If you

00:17:02.149 --> 00:17:04.470
didn't have a hurtful intent. then don't own

00:17:04.470 --> 00:17:07.670
something you didn't do, but own the impact anyway.

00:17:07.849 --> 00:17:09.849
Yeah, yeah. Don't dwell on the fact that that

00:17:09.849 --> 00:17:11.589
wasn't your intention because that doesn't matter

00:17:11.589 --> 00:17:15.190
at this particular point. Right. The impact is

00:17:15.190 --> 00:17:18.710
the impact. So whatever the impact is, own it,

00:17:18.789 --> 00:17:22.269
be aware of it, and yeah, bring it to the table.

00:17:22.529 --> 00:17:24.609
Now, there's another nuance here too, which is

00:17:24.609 --> 00:17:27.690
don't apologize unless you mean it, right? This

00:17:27.690 --> 00:17:30.950
isn't a formula that you can follow like by rote.

00:17:31.650 --> 00:17:34.549
If you say something and in your view, like no

00:17:34.549 --> 00:17:36.890
reasonable person could possibly take offense

00:17:36.890 --> 00:17:39.529
at that. And yet somebody did. And in your world,

00:17:39.589 --> 00:17:42.450
that's really a them problem. Then that may not

00:17:42.450 --> 00:17:43.890
be something you can authentically apologize

00:17:43.890 --> 00:17:47.869
for. In which case, don't. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

00:17:47.970 --> 00:17:50.269
that goes back to our very first. I'm apologizing

00:17:50.269 --> 00:17:51.990
just to shut you up and end this conversation.

00:17:51.990 --> 00:17:53.869
Just to shut you up. Yeah. Eye roll. You're an

00:17:53.869 --> 00:17:55.569
idiot. I'm going to blah, blah, blah. Sorry.

00:17:55.750 --> 00:17:57.930
Nope. Yeah. Now can we just, now can you just

00:17:57.930 --> 00:18:01.390
go grow up? Exactly. Yeah. Don't do that. Don't

00:18:01.390 --> 00:18:03.670
bother. Don't do it unless it's real. Yeah. Be

00:18:03.670 --> 00:18:05.430
authentic with your apologies. Cause I mean,

00:18:05.450 --> 00:18:07.970
people can tell, right? Totally. Totally. I've

00:18:07.970 --> 00:18:09.910
definitely had people apologize for things that

00:18:09.910 --> 00:18:12.630
they didn't want or care to apologize for. And

00:18:12.630 --> 00:18:14.750
then we're, we're sitting in the same spot. So

00:18:14.750 --> 00:18:17.509
we've talked about ownership. We've talked about

00:18:17.509 --> 00:18:20.329
impact. So what would be our next step after

00:18:20.329 --> 00:18:23.490
we own the thing that we did to cause the upset

00:18:23.490 --> 00:18:26.690
and after we've come to understand what the impact

00:18:26.690 --> 00:18:28.369
that we've had is. We've acknowledged it. We've

00:18:28.369 --> 00:18:30.910
acknowledged it. Then what? A good step before

00:18:30.910 --> 00:18:32.670
you move out of the impact stage is check in

00:18:32.670 --> 00:18:34.829
with them and say, like, did I get everything?

00:18:34.910 --> 00:18:36.630
Or are there other ways this impacted you that

00:18:36.630 --> 00:18:39.390
I haven't named? And it's a good way to check

00:18:39.390 --> 00:18:41.369
in and let the other person say, no, actually,

00:18:41.630 --> 00:18:44.609
that covers it. Or, yes, thank you for all that.

00:18:44.630 --> 00:18:47.380
And there's this other piece. Make sure you get

00:18:47.380 --> 00:18:49.519
it all because this is your chance to really

00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:51.980
clean house. And that circles back to what we

00:18:51.980 --> 00:18:53.920
had said initially, which is the apology is not

00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:55.519
about you. It's about them. It's about them.

00:18:55.559 --> 00:18:57.279
So when you check in with them, you give them

00:18:57.279 --> 00:19:00.579
that space, then we're really, you know, doing

00:19:00.579 --> 00:19:02.700
what we can to make a whole apology. That's right.

00:19:03.240 --> 00:19:07.220
Then after the impact piece, it may be appropriate

00:19:07.220 --> 00:19:10.720
to make a commitment moving forward. You know,

00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:13.640
in the future, I promise I will. be on time with

00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:15.539
you. There you go. That's a concrete one right

00:19:15.539 --> 00:19:17.980
there. Right. Or I promise I won't crack a joke

00:19:17.980 --> 00:19:20.059
at your expense in front of my friends. Yeah.

00:19:20.180 --> 00:19:22.099
Or whatever the thing is. I'll try to be more

00:19:22.099 --> 00:19:23.779
mindful about the things that I say before I

00:19:23.779 --> 00:19:25.839
say them. I'll try and take a step back and,

00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:27.700
you know, think about what it is I'm going to

00:19:27.700 --> 00:19:29.599
say before I say it. Whatever, whatever it is.

00:19:29.819 --> 00:19:32.880
Yeah. Yeah. And then as an add on to the commitment

00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:35.140
part. So this is what you're promising to do

00:19:35.140 --> 00:19:37.660
differently moving forward. Yeah. In some cases,

00:19:37.740 --> 00:19:41.769
that's pretty easy. In other cases. there may

00:19:41.769 --> 00:19:44.230
be some skepticism. Like if I've got a long history

00:19:44.230 --> 00:19:45.829
of being late and I'm just like, okay, I'll be

00:19:45.829 --> 00:19:48.789
on time from now on. She's left wondering, sure,

00:19:48.950 --> 00:19:51.109
I'll believe it when I see it. So a thing you

00:19:51.109 --> 00:19:54.109
can do to add some credibility to it and to make

00:19:54.109 --> 00:19:55.950
it more likely for yourself that you'll actually

00:19:55.950 --> 00:19:58.109
follow through on it is think about what you're

00:19:58.109 --> 00:19:59.650
going to put in place, practically speaking,

00:19:59.849 --> 00:20:02.210
to make that happen. So with my sister, I could

00:20:02.210 --> 00:20:04.509
say, you know, I promise to be on time with you

00:20:04.509 --> 00:20:07.549
from now on. What I'm going to put in place to

00:20:07.549 --> 00:20:09.829
support myself in actually following through

00:20:09.829 --> 00:20:13.269
on that. is anytime we've agreed to meet somewhere,

00:20:13.569 --> 00:20:15.650
I'm going to look up in Google Maps how long

00:20:15.650 --> 00:20:17.809
it takes to get there. I'm going to add 15 minutes

00:20:17.809 --> 00:20:21.210
and set an alarm 10 minutes before that so I

00:20:21.210 --> 00:20:23.410
can get my ass out the door. And that's like

00:20:23.410 --> 00:20:25.430
a practical set of steps. And I'm using some

00:20:25.430 --> 00:20:28.109
technology tools and like building a support

00:20:28.109 --> 00:20:30.869
system that has some chance of actually improving

00:20:30.869 --> 00:20:33.349
the outcome here. And then actually stating that.

00:20:33.840 --> 00:20:36.220
It's for the person so that they can see that

00:20:36.220 --> 00:20:38.380
it's not just an empty apology. It's not just

00:20:38.380 --> 00:20:40.079
words. It's not just, I'm going to do a thing.

00:20:40.099 --> 00:20:41.700
It's a, you've said that before. What do you,

00:20:41.700 --> 00:20:44.380
what's your strategy? What's your strategy for

00:20:44.380 --> 00:20:47.539
success here? Right. So, uh, it may make sense

00:20:47.539 --> 00:20:50.259
to put that in place too. Yeah. And I think you,

00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:53.859
you talked about a check -in. after you had talked

00:20:53.859 --> 00:20:55.480
about the impact, I think that this is another

00:20:55.480 --> 00:20:57.059
place where you might want to check in with the

00:20:57.059 --> 00:20:58.980
person like, okay, that's my complete apology.

00:20:59.319 --> 00:21:01.619
Like, how did that land for you? How are you

00:21:01.619 --> 00:21:04.119
feeling? Like, where are we at? What, you know,

00:21:04.119 --> 00:21:07.440
take the temperature of the relationship at this

00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:09.519
point. And that's not to say that they're going

00:21:09.519 --> 00:21:11.180
to forgive you right away, right? That's probably

00:21:11.180 --> 00:21:12.960
not the case. People are not just going to...

00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:14.299
It might be, it might not be. It totally depends

00:21:14.299 --> 00:21:16.619
on the... Yeah, but so check in with them at

00:21:16.619 --> 00:21:19.049
the end. Yeah. How did that land? Is there anything

00:21:19.049 --> 00:21:21.630
you need to say in order to be complete? Getting

00:21:21.630 --> 00:21:23.410
completion around it. I mean, that's really what

00:21:23.410 --> 00:21:25.190
we're doing when we're apologizing. That's right.

00:21:25.250 --> 00:21:26.450
We're trying to get complete around something,

00:21:26.569 --> 00:21:29.750
right? Or to take steps towards completion. And

00:21:29.750 --> 00:21:31.750
when we say getting complete, what we mean by

00:21:31.750 --> 00:21:35.289
that is something's complete when there's no

00:21:35.289 --> 00:21:38.130
longer any aspect of it that's still lingering

00:21:38.130 --> 00:21:40.269
in the space between you and the other person.

00:21:40.509 --> 00:21:43.309
Like when something's truly in the past, it's

00:21:43.309 --> 00:21:48.150
done with. that either one of you is carrying

00:21:48.150 --> 00:21:51.869
forward. So five steps, right? Take ownership

00:21:51.869 --> 00:21:55.490
for what you did. Acknowledge the impact that

00:21:55.490 --> 00:21:57.670
that had. Make a commitment for what you're going

00:21:57.670 --> 00:22:00.950
to do differently moving forward. If appropriate,

00:22:01.190 --> 00:22:02.990
talk about what you're going to put in place

00:22:02.990 --> 00:22:06.150
to make sure that happens. And then check in

00:22:06.150 --> 00:22:08.329
with the other person. How does this land with

00:22:08.329 --> 00:22:09.710
you? Where are you at? Is there anything you

00:22:09.710 --> 00:22:12.910
need to say? So that's the five -part anatomy

00:22:12.910 --> 00:22:17.150
of a real apology. So then... If that's what

00:22:17.150 --> 00:22:20.730
we're doing for an apology, what are some pitfalls

00:22:20.730 --> 00:22:23.930
that we want to avoid during the process? I would

00:22:23.930 --> 00:22:27.049
say, first of all, we're not trying to control

00:22:27.049 --> 00:22:29.470
the situation. And so if we're not trying to

00:22:29.470 --> 00:22:30.829
control the situation, we're trying to actually

00:22:30.829 --> 00:22:33.309
genuinely care for a person and display that,

00:22:33.490 --> 00:22:36.690
not display it, but genuinely do that, take care

00:22:36.690 --> 00:22:39.190
of someone. Then something that happens sometimes

00:22:39.190 --> 00:22:41.089
is we want to rush someone to forgiveness, right?

00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:43.789
Hey, I said, I said, I'm sorry. Do you forgive

00:22:43.789 --> 00:22:47.220
me? And that can take time. Sometimes it might

00:22:47.220 --> 00:22:49.660
be pretty quick. It might be, you know. It might

00:22:49.660 --> 00:22:51.500
happen right at the moment. And it might take

00:22:51.500 --> 00:22:53.559
more time. They made some time to process and

00:22:53.559 --> 00:22:56.859
digest. It depends on the closeness of the relationship,

00:22:57.180 --> 00:23:00.539
the magnitude of the impact. Yeah. And of the

00:23:00.539 --> 00:23:03.359
thing you did, right? Like if I stepped on your

00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:05.940
toe, I'm sorry I stepped on your toe. Right.

00:23:05.980 --> 00:23:07.900
That must hurt. Yeah. You can probably get past

00:23:07.900 --> 00:23:10.440
that. But if it's, I'm sorry I had a two -year

00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:14.099
-long affair and violated my marriage vows. That

00:23:14.099 --> 00:23:15.799
one's going to take a minute. That's going to

00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:18.000
take some time. If at all. You may never get

00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:19.779
forgiveness on something that big and you have

00:23:19.779 --> 00:23:22.240
no right to expect it. Yeah. So, and we talked

00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:23.839
about that earlier, right? You're not entitled

00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:26.460
to forgiveness. So don't rush the person to forgiveness.

00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:28.819
Don't expect forgiveness. You're not entitled

00:23:28.819 --> 00:23:32.000
to forgiveness. You are doing what you can to

00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:35.220
care for them in this moment and acknowledge

00:23:35.220 --> 00:23:38.519
a breakdown and hopefully build a bridge. But

00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:40.900
that's where we're at. And this is the thing.

00:23:40.920 --> 00:23:42.759
If the other person doesn't accept your apology

00:23:42.759 --> 00:23:45.619
right away or even ever, it doesn't mean it wasn't

00:23:45.619 --> 00:23:48.720
worth doing. Right. You're doing it for them

00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:53.259
and then also kind of indirectly for you because

00:23:53.259 --> 00:23:55.720
you can come away from the experience knowing

00:23:55.720 --> 00:23:57.839
that you got your attention off of yourself.

00:23:58.339 --> 00:24:01.380
You genuinely took responsibility, offered a

00:24:01.380 --> 00:24:03.750
real apology to the other person. Yeah. And then

00:24:03.750 --> 00:24:06.210
gave them space and respected them to be wherever

00:24:06.210 --> 00:24:08.349
they're at. And created concrete steps that you

00:24:08.349 --> 00:24:09.869
were going to take. I mean, that's the other

00:24:09.869 --> 00:24:11.430
thing. You can invite the other person to give

00:24:11.430 --> 00:24:14.289
you some idea as to what might help to, is there

00:24:14.289 --> 00:24:17.549
anything you need to see from me? Yeah. And you're

00:24:17.549 --> 00:24:19.650
offering to rebuild a bridge. And that doesn't

00:24:19.650 --> 00:24:21.450
mean that the bridge is going to get used again

00:24:21.450 --> 00:24:24.509
right away. But at least it's there. Yeah. Sometimes

00:24:24.509 --> 00:24:26.690
apologies are not going to work. Even when you

00:24:26.690 --> 00:24:28.750
do everything right, you own your actions, you

00:24:28.750 --> 00:24:31.569
speak from the heart, you make a genuine effort

00:24:31.569 --> 00:24:34.799
to repair. The relationship and your apology

00:24:34.799 --> 00:24:37.400
still may fall flat. It might not get accepted.

00:24:37.700 --> 00:24:40.000
Worse than that, you might be ignored. You get

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:43.420
ghosted. The relationship ends. The worst possible

00:24:43.420 --> 00:24:47.240
response you could get is you offer the apology.

00:24:47.380 --> 00:24:48.960
You extend an olive branch. You show up with

00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:51.880
humility. And the other person says something

00:24:51.880 --> 00:24:54.559
like, you're goddamn right. And another thing.

00:24:54.660 --> 00:24:57.400
And they just stomp on it. That's the hardest

00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:00.880
one to stomach. Yeah. Here's where it's really.

00:25:01.529 --> 00:25:03.690
You want to swallow all your pride and really

00:25:03.690 --> 00:25:07.549
give them space. Footnote, if someone comes to

00:25:07.549 --> 00:25:10.009
you with a genuine apology, even if they don't

00:25:10.009 --> 00:25:12.089
get it perfectly and they're fumbling through

00:25:12.089 --> 00:25:14.490
and if they don't have all the ingredients of

00:25:14.490 --> 00:25:16.890
the checklist we just laid out, but you can tell

00:25:16.890 --> 00:25:19.150
that they're making a genuine effort, that their

00:25:19.150 --> 00:25:23.730
intention is clear, don't ever do that. Don't

00:25:23.730 --> 00:25:26.910
ever double down after someone apologizes because

00:25:26.910 --> 00:25:30.440
you're punishing. a genuine effort to reach out

00:25:30.440 --> 00:25:32.339
and you can be sure they're not going to do it

00:25:32.339 --> 00:25:36.240
again yeah right like acknowledge the humility

00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:38.099
and the difficulty it takes for someone to do

00:25:38.099 --> 00:25:40.000
that and to be vulnerable and open up and offer

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:41.779
an apology and be gracious in the way that you

00:25:41.779 --> 00:25:44.660
accept it yeah And then if someone does do what

00:25:44.660 --> 00:25:46.980
you just said, the the instinct there is to get

00:25:46.980 --> 00:25:48.640
frustrated. And, you know, I said I was sorry.

00:25:48.680 --> 00:25:50.099
What else? What else can I like? What else do

00:25:50.099 --> 00:25:51.819
you want for me? And to get and then you just

00:25:51.819 --> 00:25:54.519
fall into the wrong mindset. Frustration can

00:25:54.519 --> 00:25:57.519
sometimes reveal that your apology was more about

00:25:57.519 --> 00:25:59.480
your own benefit than actually giving care to

00:25:59.480 --> 00:26:02.319
a person, which defeats the entire purpose. And

00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:04.140
then you're back at square one. It makes it about

00:26:04.140 --> 00:26:06.799
you and your needs again, as opposed to you providing

00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:09.769
for their needs. Just keep your focus on them

00:26:09.769 --> 00:26:11.690
and trying to meet their needs. Get your own

00:26:11.690 --> 00:26:14.690
ego and yourself out of the way. That's the best

00:26:14.690 --> 00:26:17.490
you can do. Yeah. It's not a guaranteed reconciliation,

00:26:17.990 --> 00:26:20.450
right? So there are some reasons why apologies

00:26:20.450 --> 00:26:22.910
may fall flat. There are some common reasons

00:26:22.910 --> 00:26:25.269
why. One is, we talked about the wound is still

00:26:25.269 --> 00:26:28.250
open. Things are fresh. The timing is off. Or

00:26:28.250 --> 00:26:31.329
like you said, it's a deep betrayal. Yeah. That

00:26:31.329 --> 00:26:34.170
may take time. Apologizing too soon before the

00:26:34.170 --> 00:26:35.930
other person has had a chance to process the

00:26:35.930 --> 00:26:39.339
emotions. Someone else's emotional healing is

00:26:39.339 --> 00:26:42.660
under no obligation to follow your schedule or

00:26:42.660 --> 00:26:44.559
your calendar. That's their own schedule and

00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:47.000
their own calendar. And it's okay. If the wound

00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:49.619
is open, give it space. Give it space. Give it

00:26:49.619 --> 00:26:51.460
time. You might have to have further conversations.

00:26:52.019 --> 00:26:54.019
You may have to apologize again. You may have

00:26:54.019 --> 00:26:56.579
to take an inventory again and acknowledge the

00:26:56.579 --> 00:27:00.559
impact. This might be a breathing, living conversation.

00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:04.079
It's an organic, messy human process. I had a

00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:07.630
relationship and... five, six years ago now.

00:27:08.049 --> 00:27:10.730
And a couple of months after, I had reached out

00:27:10.730 --> 00:27:13.430
to my ex to invite her to just get together and

00:27:13.430 --> 00:27:16.589
have a conversation to try to reflect on and

00:27:16.589 --> 00:27:18.710
complete the relationship on a positive note.

00:27:18.849 --> 00:27:20.890
And it was clear she wasn't ready. The way that

00:27:20.890 --> 00:27:22.589
she responded to my invitation, she was very

00:27:22.589 --> 00:27:25.289
guarded and sort of standoffish. And so I left

00:27:25.289 --> 00:27:29.849
it alone. And a full year later, she then reached

00:27:29.849 --> 00:27:32.769
out to me. apropos of nothing and invited me

00:27:32.769 --> 00:27:35.109
into exactly that kind of conversation. And then

00:27:35.109 --> 00:27:36.910
we had the conversation. It was beautiful. It

00:27:36.910 --> 00:27:40.410
was really healing and really lovely. And now

00:27:40.410 --> 00:27:43.970
we're friends. But I had to give her space because

00:27:43.970 --> 00:27:45.869
she wasn't ready when I issued the invitation.

00:27:46.049 --> 00:27:48.210
But when she came back with it on her timeline,

00:27:48.369 --> 00:27:51.130
then it happened. So we were on different timelines

00:27:51.130 --> 00:27:54.589
and that's okay. Other reasons why apologies

00:27:54.589 --> 00:27:57.390
fall flat, it feels rehearsed, it feels rushed,

00:27:57.509 --> 00:27:59.849
it feels hollow. We talked about that, right?

00:27:59.970 --> 00:28:02.430
Even if you've got every word technically right,

00:28:02.549 --> 00:28:05.430
all of the words are in the right place, the

00:28:05.430 --> 00:28:07.230
energy that you put behind them matters too.

00:28:07.349 --> 00:28:09.509
If it doesn't feel genuine, if it doesn't feel

00:28:09.509 --> 00:28:12.230
sincere, if it feels like you're just checking

00:28:12.230 --> 00:28:14.890
boxes to get out of that guilty feeling that

00:28:14.890 --> 00:28:17.210
you might be carrying around, or you just don't

00:28:17.210 --> 00:28:19.829
want to deal with somebody's upset, people can

00:28:19.829 --> 00:28:22.859
feel that. That's a really good point. You want

00:28:22.859 --> 00:28:25.299
to be present with the other person in the moment

00:28:25.299 --> 00:28:27.740
and be with them in whatever their experience

00:28:27.740 --> 00:28:29.680
is during the conversation. And when someone

00:28:29.680 --> 00:28:31.680
feels that you're actually connected to them

00:28:31.680 --> 00:28:34.460
and you're not just doing a thing, apologies

00:28:34.460 --> 00:28:36.660
are more about being than they are about doing.

00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:40.299
And that's if the being is off, there's no doing

00:28:40.299 --> 00:28:43.180
that's going to make it work. Yeah. Yeah. Another

00:28:43.180 --> 00:28:46.180
common. Thing that we might see is like you mentioned

00:28:46.180 --> 00:28:48.819
earlier with your time stuff with your sisters,

00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:52.079
the history piece, right? If this is not the

00:28:52.079 --> 00:28:53.880
first time that you've apologized or it's not

00:28:53.880 --> 00:28:56.039
the first time the issue has come up, especially

00:28:56.039 --> 00:28:58.920
if nothing has changed since the last time, then

00:28:58.920 --> 00:29:01.960
no matter how sincere you are, there's no way

00:29:01.960 --> 00:29:03.740
that an apology is going to fix a pattern of

00:29:03.740 --> 00:29:06.940
behavior. Right. So that comes back to, I understand

00:29:06.940 --> 00:29:10.460
the impact. Here's what I'm going to do to change

00:29:10.460 --> 00:29:13.130
that so that we don't have to have. more of these

00:29:13.130 --> 00:29:15.849
kinds of conversations. Yeah. And that has to

00:29:15.849 --> 00:29:17.549
be sincere too. That has to come from a place

00:29:17.549 --> 00:29:20.509
of genuine change, right? And in this case, and

00:29:20.509 --> 00:29:22.369
this is a point maybe we haven't sufficiently

00:29:22.369 --> 00:29:25.410
stressed in the conversation so far, if we're

00:29:25.410 --> 00:29:27.829
talking about a behavioral pattern, there's no

00:29:27.829 --> 00:29:31.890
set of words that's going to override a consistent

00:29:31.890 --> 00:29:34.750
set of actions that are helpful. In that case,

00:29:34.869 --> 00:29:37.829
it's less about the words and more about actually

00:29:37.829 --> 00:29:40.490
changing your behavior. And this is what it was

00:29:40.490 --> 00:29:43.549
with my sister. I actually had to start being

00:29:43.549 --> 00:29:45.930
on time with her and I did, and I was, and it

00:29:45.930 --> 00:29:48.710
took, I don't know, the better part of a year

00:29:48.710 --> 00:29:50.890
of consistently being on time or five minutes

00:29:50.890 --> 00:29:53.289
early with her time and time and time and time

00:29:53.289 --> 00:29:55.789
again. And she started to notice and then she

00:29:55.789 --> 00:29:58.190
started to even acknowledge it and was gracious

00:29:58.190 --> 00:30:00.490
about it. And now if you asked her, she would

00:30:00.490 --> 00:30:01.990
say, yeah, you know what? In the last five years,

00:30:02.029 --> 00:30:04.210
you've been a lot better, but it took some time

00:30:04.210 --> 00:30:06.789
because I was undoing. Many years of consistent.

00:30:06.869 --> 00:30:08.529
Well, you said it was 10 years at least. It was

00:30:08.529 --> 00:30:10.349
probably 10 years of bullshit that I put her

00:30:10.349 --> 00:30:12.789
through. Right. You don't get to be on time twice

00:30:12.789 --> 00:30:15.269
and claim victory over that. Yeah. That takes.

00:30:15.509 --> 00:30:17.529
That's going to take quite a lot of work. The

00:30:17.529 --> 00:30:20.049
deeper the hole you've dug yourself into, the

00:30:20.049 --> 00:30:21.750
more you've got to shovel to get out of it. Yeah,

00:30:21.750 --> 00:30:25.430
absolutely. Yeah. The other reason why our apologies

00:30:25.430 --> 00:30:27.670
might not land is the relationship has shifted

00:30:27.670 --> 00:30:31.869
in some way. Again, if it's been a really egregious,

00:30:31.869 --> 00:30:36.210
deep. wound, things can change. Sometimes people

00:30:36.210 --> 00:30:38.650
move on. Sometimes people are so hurt that they

00:30:38.650 --> 00:30:41.970
just they can't accept the apology. They may

00:30:41.970 --> 00:30:44.130
appreciate it, but it doesn't mean that they're

00:30:44.130 --> 00:30:46.849
willing or wanting to rebuild the connection.

00:30:47.230 --> 00:30:49.450
Say you had a relationship, romantic relationship

00:30:49.450 --> 00:30:52.890
or a friendship that ends and you apologize for

00:30:52.890 --> 00:30:56.430
your part in it. The other person may appreciate

00:30:56.430 --> 00:30:59.940
the apology. and they may still have moved on

00:30:59.940 --> 00:31:02.279
from the relationship. So they may appreciate

00:31:02.279 --> 00:31:04.819
the apology. They may accept it. That doesn't

00:31:04.819 --> 00:31:07.339
mean that they're going to want to go back to

00:31:07.339 --> 00:31:08.819
the way things were. And they don't have to.

00:31:09.220 --> 00:31:12.799
Sometimes the relationship has moved on or ended.

00:31:13.380 --> 00:31:16.339
The apology is still worth doing. And the apology

00:31:16.339 --> 00:31:19.880
is not in order to get them back. If it's in

00:31:19.880 --> 00:31:22.980
order to something, then it's not a pure apology.

00:31:23.259 --> 00:31:26.569
It's a tactic. Yeah, right. And it's... If it's

00:31:26.569 --> 00:31:28.750
a tactic, it's not going to work. It has to be

00:31:28.750 --> 00:31:31.970
just for the sake of doing everything you can

00:31:31.970 --> 00:31:33.730
to make the other person feel whole. Yeah. With

00:31:33.730 --> 00:31:37.970
no conditions attached. No like, therefore we

00:31:37.970 --> 00:31:40.190
should be back together again or we should be

00:31:40.190 --> 00:31:42.630
friends again. That may or may not happen and

00:31:42.630 --> 00:31:44.609
that's up to them. And for it to be pure and

00:31:44.609 --> 00:31:46.769
clear and clean, you want to be okay with that.

00:31:46.890 --> 00:31:48.869
So we're not using this as a manipulation tactic.

00:31:49.190 --> 00:31:53.670
And let go of the outcome. Yeah. So the relationship

00:31:53.670 --> 00:31:55.839
may have shifted. That doesn't mean that you're

00:31:55.839 --> 00:31:58.759
being rejected. Sometimes things evolve in ways

00:31:58.759 --> 00:32:01.720
that we don't necessarily want them to, but we

00:32:01.720 --> 00:32:03.240
have to be gracious and we have to let people

00:32:03.240 --> 00:32:06.259
do what they're going to do. Yeah. So the key

00:32:06.259 --> 00:32:08.779
thing here is you're apologizing without expectation,

00:32:08.839 --> 00:32:10.640
and then you're giving the other person space

00:32:10.640 --> 00:32:14.220
and respecting their own process, whether they

00:32:14.220 --> 00:32:16.000
graciously accept the apology and give you a

00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:19.259
hug and things are great again, or they give

00:32:19.259 --> 00:32:21.839
you silence. or they give you the cold shoulder

00:32:21.839 --> 00:32:23.799
or whatever it is like respect where they're

00:32:23.799 --> 00:32:26.059
at and let them be there and this is where real

00:32:26.059 --> 00:32:28.960
maturity shows up you're honoring the other person

00:32:28.960 --> 00:32:32.339
and staying grounded not allowing yourself to

00:32:32.339 --> 00:32:34.440
get emotionally reactive based on whatever they

00:32:34.440 --> 00:32:37.700
do or don't do next yeah because the goal of

00:32:37.700 --> 00:32:39.460
an apology isn't to be forgiven we've said that

00:32:39.460 --> 00:32:41.579
a couple of times now right it's to become someone

00:32:41.579 --> 00:32:43.990
who recognizes when they've done harm you're

00:32:43.990 --> 00:32:46.490
taking ownership of it, and then you're committing

00:32:46.490 --> 00:32:49.430
to being better regardless of what result that

00:32:49.430 --> 00:32:51.710
gets you within this relationship. And that's

00:32:51.710 --> 00:32:53.970
personal growth. That's going to help you just

00:32:53.970 --> 00:32:56.509
become a more well -rounded and better person

00:32:56.509 --> 00:32:59.150
in your own life. Exactly. That's rebuilding

00:32:59.150 --> 00:33:01.029
the bridge, whether the other person chooses

00:33:01.029 --> 00:33:05.230
to walk across it or not. Yeah. If you're into

00:33:05.230 --> 00:33:08.289
a homework assignment, a challenge for anyone

00:33:08.289 --> 00:33:11.400
who's willing to take us up on it. Think of an

00:33:11.400 --> 00:33:13.359
apology that you owe someone but haven't given.

00:33:14.099 --> 00:33:17.460
And, you know, what would it look like to deliver

00:33:17.460 --> 00:33:20.000
a heartfelt, genuine apology to that person?

00:33:20.099 --> 00:33:23.799
What difference might that make to you, to them,

00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:26.930
potentially to the relationship? And take that

00:33:26.930 --> 00:33:29.170
on. And we would love to hear about it in the

00:33:29.170 --> 00:33:31.089
comments for anyone who takes us up on that challenge.

00:33:31.309 --> 00:33:33.890
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, please. And if you've

00:33:33.890 --> 00:33:36.289
got your own sort of method for apologizing,

00:33:36.289 --> 00:33:38.269
maybe you've got some different steps you take,

00:33:38.329 --> 00:33:40.329
or maybe we missed something that you think should

00:33:40.329 --> 00:33:41.970
be in there. So we'd love to hear from you about

00:33:41.970 --> 00:33:45.049
that too. And then if you've gotten a really

00:33:45.049 --> 00:33:47.890
good apology or if you reflect and share on your

00:33:47.890 --> 00:33:51.069
experiences with actual genuine apologies, we'd

00:33:51.069 --> 00:33:53.039
love to hear about that sort of thing. And a

00:33:53.039 --> 00:33:55.460
little teaser for an upcoming episode. We're

00:33:55.460 --> 00:33:56.859
going to do one on the art of setting boundaries

00:33:56.859 --> 00:33:59.880
without being a jerk. That'll be a fun one. All

00:33:59.880 --> 00:34:01.500
right. Hopefully you learned something here.

00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:04.119
And if not, well, I'm sorry that you feel that

00:34:04.119 --> 00:34:08.079
way. I see what you did there. As always, we

00:34:08.079 --> 00:34:09.699
hope this was useful. Thanks for tuning in.